


Paper Butterflies

by destieljunkie



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, Angst, Astral Projection, Bittersweet Ending, Chronic Illness, Dark, Destiel - Freeform, Dom! Dean, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Sexual Content, Light Bondage, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Mental Health Issues, Oral Sex, Prescription Drug Abuse, Psychological Trauma, Sick Dean Winchester, Sub! Castiel, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-21
Updated: 2013-12-29
Packaged: 2017-12-27 05:27:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 76,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/974971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/destieljunkie/pseuds/destieljunkie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel has spent a lifetime as a dedicated nurse. Trying to heal his own lonely past filled with heartache and disappointment. His perceptions and priorities suddenly change when a beautiful stranger is admitted to the emergency room.<br/>Castiel soon becomes infatuated with his patient, but his condition is serious and he is close to death. Dean eventually wakes to the realization Castiel has fallen in love with him. Dean must protect him from a cruel truth that endangers their happiness.</p><p>Sometimes in trying to protect the heart of the one you love, you accidentally break it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. How To Save A Life

**Author's Note:**

> If they only knew what I would say if I could be with you tonight  
> I would sing you to sleep  
> Never let them take the light behind your eyes.  
> One day I’ll lose this fight as we fade in the dark just remember you will always burn as bright.
> 
> Be strong and hold my hand  
> Time becomes for us you’ll understand.  
> We’ll say goodbye today and we’re sorry how it ends this way  
> If you promise not to cry then I'll tell you just what I would say.
> 
>    
> Death is not goodbye.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel is a dedicated nurse, trying to forget a lonely past full of heartache. His perceptions and priorities suddenly change when a beautiful stranger is admitted to the emergency room. Castiel soon becomes infatuated with his patient and starts to communicate with him.  
> He develops intense emotions but remains confused and pessimistic. Castiel knows his attachment to this man is dangerous and has no idea if his love will ever be returned.

Chapter 1     **How To Save A Life**

Morning light filtered in through the window and spilled easily into the room. Castiel opened a weary eye and blinked when the sunlight reached the bed, turning his face away with a muffled complaint. He sank back into the pillow just as the alarm clock startled him awake. He flicked back the covers with a sigh, another long and lonely night behind him. He swung his legs round to sit up on the side of the bed, running a hand through dark messy hair while he picked up the clock and squinted at it. He groaned and stood up with a stretch before heading for a shower. 

An hour later he was jogging up the hospital steps two at a time. He smiled at the receptionist through a half-eaten bagel sticking out one corner of his mouth, keeping it safe while he clipped on his ID. Castiel pulled out his key card and slid it over the lock, pushing his way inside when it clicked open. He was hanging up his jacket and finishing his breakfast when he glanced over one shoulder.

“Hey, Doc.” Castiel gestured, sparing a cursory nod at the new medical student who recently joined the team. He looked totally lost but still waved back in greeting anyway.  “Early start, huh?” Castiel said lightly, chewing the last remnants of his food. The man let out an exhausted sigh. 

“No, actually. Just a very late night.” 

Castiel whistled sympathetically. 

“Huh. I’ll stick to my scrubs, thanks.” He smiled.  “I don’t get enough sleep as it is.” The student murmured something but Castiel wasn’t really listening anymore. He was scanning through the admissions on the board behind the station and sticking a pen and thermometer in his top pocket. He draped a stethoscope over his neck and gave the hem of his tunic a quick tug. Castiel sat down behind the desk and leafed through some notes in front of him while he waited for the change over briefing. He was always insanely early for his shifts. Some of them used to tease him about it, but when he didn’t rise to it they soon gave up. He used to smile sadly to himself when they presumed it was just dedicated professionalism. The truth was so much colder. He had nothing to go home to. Work was always a welcome distraction from the pain of loss that still tortured him. Everyone told Castiel time would heal his heart, but it hadn’t. His thoughts started to drift again when he was pulled back to the present by movement in front of him. He looked up and smiled when his colleagues approached the desk. 

“Morning, Cas.” One of the nurses greeted him warmly. “You do the night shift, as well?” Layton laughed. Castiel shook his head, standing up to join him. “You may as well just move in here and have done.” He added, patting his friend gently on the shoulder and steering him towards the staff room. Castiel didn’t grant him a reply. 

_____

Dean tilted his head back and let the warm sunlight drench his face. He was sitting by the side of a lake, letting peace wash over him. The light breeze was a beautiful and welcome release while he listened to the voices of small children as they played by the water’s edge, running and retreating along the side of the pool. The haze of early spring clouded his senses and left him drowsy. Dean felt the weariness build while he bathed in the soft golden light and slowly closed his eyes. Letting out a sigh and basking in the calm. 

Dean soon lost track of how long he sat there, abruptly dragged from the quiet by the sharp sound of someone screaming for help. His eyes snapped open in alarm, searching for the source of the noise. Vision momentarily marred by the brightness in the sky. He heard it again, much more frantic this time. It made him jump up and start to sprint towards the echo of a voice belonging to someone he couldn’t see. He followed as it grew louder. When he ran up the bank, Dean saw an agitated young woman shifting restlessly by the water. Her arms were flailing hopelessly when she moved, suddenly stopping when she saw a man running over. She beckoned Dean closer with pleading eyes. The woman started shouting, turning to point a shaky hand towards the centre of the lake. 

Dean frowned in confusion, eyes following the line of her arm. He caught the unmistakable thrashing of a small gasping figure, arms rising and falling with weak attempts to stay above the surface. He muttered a curse, stripping off his jacket and kicking off his boots while he stumbled to the edge. Dean plunged full length into the water and started to wade forward with exaggerated strides. Within a few seconds he reached the child and grabbed one arm, reaching around the small chest. He pulled him back into his body and away from the cold depths. Dean managed to lift the boy’s head above the water before starting to kick back towards the shallows. He was almost at the bank when he sensed the weight of the water soaking through his clothes and pulling at his muscles. He couldn't swim well, and every stroke seemed to need more effort than the last but he would be damned if he was going to let go. 

Dean could hear the blood pounding in his ears, the burn in every sinew almost unbearable. He struggled against the pull of water threatening to drag him down. With one last struggle, Dean gathered all the energy he had and propelled the child forward. He pushed him out the water and up the bank into the waiting arms of his mother. Dean waited until he saw the boy hauled fully from the lake and free of the water. Several hands reached for the child. Dean knew without any doubt the boy was saved. The tightness in his chest subsided, releasing him before drifting back into the lake. Weariness finally won over. Dean felt the combined burden of soaked denim and bitter cold, weak attempts to breach the surface just giving a disloyal sense of false hope. His flickering eyes drifted slowly upwards before closing altogether.

Bright flashes of sunlight gently pulsed and then faded against the shifting surface of the water above, cold pressing in hard when his vision started to dim. Delicate swell swaying him softly while remaining air in his burning lungs started to dissipate. Panic in his chest morphing into a strange calm. Dean resigned himself to death. He stopped fighting the inevitable darkness about to devour him, exhausted limbs floating wide when he expelled the last remnant of air he was holding and remembered nothing more.

_____

“Cas!” Castiel heard an urgent voice call him from down the corridor. He jumped up, threw his empty coffee cup in the bin and rushed out the doorway. “We got one.” Layton beckoned him over with a familiar nod. Castiel moved quickly to the side of the stretcher, instinctively reaching for the lifeless hand resting on top of the sheet. He pushed his fingers against the man’s wrist, searching expectantly for a sign of life. He felt nothing, whispering a faint plea no one could hear. 

“Come on.” Castiel breathed, squeezing the wrist more tightly. Still no response. 

The man's arm was cold to the touch and Castiel felt a familiar pull in the pit of his stomach. He knew a hopeless case when he saw one. Layton was moving just as quickly by his side, eyes scanning the clipboard he was holding. 

“John Doe.” Layton muttered. “Drowning.” Castiel looked up at him through concerned eyes. 

“Was he… is he a suicide?” He whispered softly. God, how that word stuck in his throat. Layton let his gaze scan the notes. 

“Er, not sure.“ Layton read through the paperwork. “No... oh.” He sounded shocked. “Apparently he jumped into the lake to save a child and got into trouble somehow. Maybe he couldn’t swim.” Layton trailed off. “Who does that?” He shook his head in disbelief. Castiel stared back in amazement. _Someone pretty special._ He thought to himself. He didn't say it. Layton finished reading. “They gave him CPR and managed to get most of the water out his lungs, but he crashed again. He’s been gone just over two minutes.” 

Castiel thrust the stethoscope into his ears and tugged at the sheet. He lifted up the man’s shirt and rested it over the still chest. Something he did naturally from long hours and repetitive shifts. Castiel increased his pace to keep up with the movement of the gurney while it rattled towards the crash room. He hadn't even glanced at the man lying unconscious beneath him. There was no place for familiarity in this job. Castiel knew that. They reached the resuscitation area just as more staff surged into the bay. They were all working together to try and save this one fragile and nameless man. Two orderlies quickly lifted the lifeless body on to the bed before setting up the resuscitation suite to start compressions again. 

Castiel reached over and carefully placed a mask over the man’s blue lips, squeezing gently to deliver fresh oxygen into his lungs. He glanced back hopefully to make sure his chest was rising and falling in steady rhythm before they hooked him up to the defibrillator and gestured for the house officer to carry on while he continued CPR. She swiftly worked on getting an airway open, setting up an IV line and heart monitor. Castiel hated it. Hated every second of watching a life slip away. Once again he had to push through his own memories and detach. For a fleeting moment he wondered why he continued to punish himself like this, stepping back when the rest of the team moved in and took over. The man’s fate was no longer his responsibility. Someone attached the electrode pads to his chest and the doctor hovered over him with the paddles ready while the machine charged up to full power. 

“Clear!” The customary shout echoed. 

There was no response. Castiel sank back from the bed and slumped against the wall, both arms across his chest. Expression tight while he willed the machine to sound the signal of a heartbeat. For the first time since the body got rushed in, Castiel had a moment to breathe. He felt his gaze gradually focus on the tragic scene unfolding before his eyes. The next few minutes seemed to pass in slow motion. Blurs of colour, muffled noises and the familiar frantic tension in the air all acted out in front of him. On the fifth try he heard it. A sharp sound preceding a slow bright blip on the screen at the side of the bed. Castiel suddenly shot up straight and tried to peer around his colleagues to get a better view. He smiled weakly with relief. The patient was alive at least. _That was something._ Castiel mused. He did a brave thing. Cold death would have been a bitter fate. Castiel edged a little closer. He didn't want to get in the way but the desire to look at this man was overpowering.

_____

After he was stable and blood samples were taken to assess his oxygen levels, the chaos seemed to fade away. Castiel waited patiently at the edge of the room, nervously fidgeting with the lining of his tunic. The only people left in the room were him, Layton and the mysterious Mr. Doe. Castiel didn’t realize he was staring until he heard his friend calling him. 

“Cas?” Layton almost yelled at him. “Wake up, buddy. What’s got into you today?“ He frowned, leaning in a bit closer. “You were miles away. I shouted you like six times already.” 

Castiel visibly flinched. 

“Sorry.” He stammered, shaking the feeling free. 

“Come on.” Layton encouraged. “Let’s get him comfortable.” 

Castiel insisted on putting the man in his section of the ward. After they moved him, Castiel smoothed down the sheets with slow strokes, reverently tucking in the edges to keep his patient fixed in position. His fingers accidentally brushed the man’s hand where it lay on top of the covers. Castiel suddenly stilled, glancing around to make sure he was alone. Taking in a deep breath and finally allowing himself to really look at him. Castiel had no idea why he was so fascinated with this man. The countless patients he cared for over the years, the endless repetition of routine. Something drew him to this one. Something he couldn't define. Castiel felt a twisted warning pool heavily in his stomach when he moved closer to the bed, checking the machines and the drip again. Remnants of muddy water were sticking to tousled and matted hair where his head rested on the pillow. 

Castiel returned with a small bowl of water and a clean cloth, setting them on the cabinet beside the bed. He squeezed out the excess water, careful not to spill any. Gently dabbing the cloth around the man's face to clean his skin and hair. Castiel was studying the planes of his mouth, his cheeks, his eyes. The man was still pale, shallow machine assisted motions of his breathing tragically constant. Castiel let his gaze scan every part of the empty expression. His thoughts betrayed him. For a shameful moment Castiel imagined what his laugh sounded like, how his eyes might crease up at the corners. The soft bow of his lips curving when he smiled. Castiel swallowed hard, a breath catching in his throat. He pulled the cloth away and hurriedly picked up the bowl before backing out of the bay and yanking the curtain across. 

Castiel scurried down the corridor. His face felt hot and his steps faltered when he reluctantly went back to his other duties. He shared casual snatches of conversation with the other nurses. The long afternoon seemed to drag as he worked. Castiel was completely distracted by the events of the morning. Every once in a while his eyes would flick back towards the same bay, but the curtain was still drawn around the bed and blocked his view. He willed the last hour of his shift to pass, constantly checking the clock. The minute hand ticked round slowly like it deliberately decided to torture him. At the end of his shift, Castiel quickly scribbled up some notes and pulled on his jacket before throwing his friend a half-hearted wave. He waited in the staff cafeteria for twenty minutes, mindlessly cradling a cup of cold coffee. He wanted to make sure Layton had enough time to clock off. He felt ridiculous. _What the hell was he doing?_ Castiel headed back up to the ward. It was getting dark, and some of the lights were dimmed now only two staff were left on the ward. One of them was sitting behind the desk, completely fixated on a text message she was tapping out. 

Castiel slipped in through the end door and sneaked in to see his patient. Someone clearly checked on him since. Soft shadows of movement in the ward catching his eye. Castiel glanced hesitantly at the man. He was in exactly the same position as before. A strange calm swept over him when he pulled up a chair next to the side of the bed and sat down quietly. Castiel didn’t really know what he expected, or what he was doing but he wanted to be there. Wanted to be next to him somehow. _Sometimes a warm presence is enough to help the recovery process_. He convinced himself. 

Castiel watched the man for an hour or more. He felt his eyes grow heavy and knew someone would come by to check vitals soon. He wasn’t sure why, but he didn't really want to have to explain why he was still there when his shift finished hours ago. Castiel got up and leaned over the bed, tentatively reaching forward to stroke the edge of his hair. A gentle and intimate gesture. 

“See you tomorrow.”

_____

Castiel closed his front door and slumped against it, eyes quickly growing accustomed to the flooding darkness. He reached around to flick on the lights, sliding off his jacket and throwing it aimlessly over the stair rail. Castiel padded into the kitchen and drew a half empty bottle of wine from the cupboard. He set it down on the counter while he reached for a glass. He poured it slowly, allowing his thoughts to process the events of the day. Something was happening to him. He glanced at a faded photograph and smiled bitterly, drawing one finger across the lines of a young face immortally preserved on a piece of shiny paper. 

“I miss you. Every day.” He breathed, clutching the glass more tightly in his hand and heading up the stairs to his bedroom. The wood creaked beneath his feet with every step. 

Castiel undressed and crawled into bed, tiredness finally drifting through his body. He put down the glass and picked up the book he started the night before. Everything was so much simpler then. He leafed through it to find his page, but abandoned it just as quickly. Leaving it next to the untouched glass of wine before dropping his head back on crisp pillows. Castiel stared vacantly at the ceiling and pulled the sheets up to his chest. It took him so long to fall asleep. Images of soft skin dotted with sun-drenched freckles and dirty blonde hair swimming around in his head before oblivion finally took him.

Castiel woke before dawn. He was up and washed quickly, trying to suppress the rare fluttering sensation in his stomach while he made his way back to the hospital. When he entered the ward, his eyes slipped to the small recess where he knew he would find _him._ One of the night staff suddenly emerged from behind the screen. He couldn’t remember her name, so he just forced a weak smile. 

“No change.” She shrugged. “Honestly, it’s not looking so good.” She gave his arm a little tap when she handed him the notes. “He’s not responding to anything. Maybe you’ll have better luck.” She added, pulling off her gloves and disappearing down the corridor. Castiel wondered for a moment if her remark had more meaning to it. He soon dismissed it, waiting for her to round the corner before flattening down his uniform. He inhaled a deep breath, desperate to steady his heartbeat before joining the others for the daily update. 

Castiel slowly poured a coffee and leaned back when the meeting started. He tried to appear professional as routine information washed over him. Today there was only one patient he was interested in. He cursed himself in his head for even thinking it. Castiel had always cared about the patients. He wouldn’t still be there if he didn’t. He knew that. The steam from his cup clouded his vision and sent his mind elsewhere while he tried to focus. 

“Bed 2. John Doe.” The reference quickly targeted all his senses back to reality with those four simple words. “Vitals relatively stable. We got the results back from blood work. Oxygen levels below normal of course but it looks like someone pulled him out before he was totally hypoxic. Staying on life support for now. Brain activity is low.” He murmured absently, eyes scanning the folder. “Max is getting a neurologist in to assess him. Not looking great for this one, so just keep him comfortable.” The head nurse looked directly at Castiel. “He’s all yours for now, Cas.” Castiel just nodded. He felt unexpectedly warm. The room suddenly seemed too small to hold so many people. His boss continued in a flat monotone, seemingly unaware of the pink tinge Castiel felt creep across his cheekbones. “We're considering a move to ICU. See how he does for the next few days. Still waiting for identification. Have a good day everyone.” He closed the folder with a snap as the morning staff filed out the office.  

The next three days passed in a blur of routine observations and sleepless nights. Castiel watched his patient closely. This man was officially his responsibility now. Castiel started to think the nights seemed colder and longer every time he went home.

_____

The second Castiel finished his shift the next evening, he signed off quickly and moved straight towards the little bay at the end of the corridor. He dropped into the chair by his patient’s bed, sitting quietly for a few minutes like he always did - just looking at him. Castiel aimlessly scanned his notes and stats charts until his gaze was soon drawn back as always to the subtle contours of his face. There were the sprinkled freckles that stretched across his nose and highlighted strong cheekbones. The faint curve of a scar across his chin and lips that were now pink. Formed into a perfect bow. 

Castiel held a breath, staring at the silhouette he continued to admire from a distance. God, he was beautiful. _Stop it._ Castiel chastised himself. _Don’t think like that. You’re here to help him get better, give him some hope. That’s all. You can’t have him._ The words sounded hateful as they echoed in his head. He sighed heavily, trying to ignore the undeniable warmth that snatched at his heart with every whispered movement of the man's body. The rise of his chest with each push of the machine. The random twitch of a finger. Soft moans that rarely passed his lips _in dreaming maybe_ Castiel thought. They were all enough to keep him there by his side, however small and inconsistent they were. He knew the man was still in there somewhere. He just knew, and Castiel wanted to be the one he woke up to.

He reached out and slipped his trembling fingers over one hand, softly stroking his thumb over the skin while he closed his eyes. The area under his caress warmed slightly under such a compassionate touch. Castiel willed his patient to wake up with everything he had, desperate to look into those eyes that flitted underneath seductive lashes. Longing to see the depth of the light behind them in the way he imagined in his mind a thousand times over. 

Castiel stayed by the side of the bed for a long time, watching the regular push of the machine as it filled his lungs with precious oxygen. His hand was still wrapped around static fingers. Eventually Castiel started to move away, but something made him hesitate. The room seemed stale and airless. A peculiar shiver scratched at the edges of his skin when he felt the skim of invisible strokes up and down his arms. He swallowed hard. There was an unnerving feeling of anticipation pulling at his thoughts. It felt like he was being watched. His sense of unease grew, eyes darting into every empty space. The tense air around him was like the herald of an oncoming thunderstorm. Castiel gently tightened his grip on the hand resting under his.

 _“Dean.”_  

Castiel felt a strange chilling sensation brush against the skin of his cheek, a nervous frown suddenly etched on his face. _What the hell_? Castiel gasped, twisting his head while frantic eyes searched every dark corner. He tried to find the voice inside his head. The room felt unnaturally cold and he shivered. There it was again, a soft and almost imperceptible sound that dripped over his senses like gentle rain. He thought there were words in it, but he couldn’t be sure. 

 _“Dean.”_ The voice whispered again. He hadn't imagined that. This time it sounded clearer and seemed to have come from just behind him. It wasn't inside his head. It was in the room, and it was close. Castiel waited, air trapped in his lungs. A strange but pleasant sensation was tugging at his mind.  _“My name is Dean.”_ This time it was too close. 

He could feel a disturbance in the air next to his mouth. Castiel almost tipped the chair over in his haste to get up. Staggering back and holding onto the wall for support before his legs gave way. Blue eyes were still searching the darkness, breath coming in rapid gasps when he bent forward with both hands on his knees. He stared at the body under the sheets like he expected it to move, expression a combination of confusion and disbelief. Castiel shook his head and huffed a small laugh. He must be tired. All the sleepless nights were finally catching up with him and warping reality. 

It came again. This time Castiel was scared. 

_“Can you hear me?”_ The voice whispered through the blackness. 

Castiel stopped breathing altogether. He was pressed up against the side of the room, skin throbbing. Something was there, a presence in the shadows. An excited tingle coursed through his veins. 

“Hello?” He gasped expectantly. “Is someone there?” 

He stayed himself, wondering what the hell he was doing. There was an anxious pause until the quiet was suddenly broken by another plea. Castiel thought it seemed heavy with desolation. 

 _“Help me… please.”_

“Who’s there?” Castiel whispered softly, heart pounding in his chest. The silence seemed to close in around him while he took in huge gulps of air and forced himself to stand up straight. He wrapped his arms around his body. More from fear than from cold, even though the temperature in the room had definitely dropped a few degrees. He rubbed his hands up and down his arms and searched the shadows with narrowed eyes. Castiel waited. He thought he felt something brush past his face again and it sent a pleasant shiver down his spine.  “What can I do?” He murmured at last. A cold breeze caressed the back of his neck. 

 _“You can hear me?”_ A broken reply came back straight away. Castiel nodded. _“I don’t know where I am. Everything is so dark. I kept trying to talk, but no one would listen.”_ Castiel frowned. A sudden and terrifying realization dawned on him. 

“Is this you?” He stuttered, gesturing towards the bed with a trembling hand. Grasping aimlessly at the air. It sounded insane but he couldn't think of another explanation. There was a heavy pause. 

 _“Oh, God.”_ Castiel heard the voice again but it was less clear this time. It seemed to emanate from above the bed. _“Am I dead?”_ Castiel almost laughed. He shook the doubt from his mind and quickly crossed the room. 

“No. No, you’re just… sleeping.” He replied calmly, careful to choose the right word. Castiel turned in small circles while he spoke, not sure where to aim the conversation. “You’re in hospital. I’ve been… looking after you.” He added, a nervous flutter stroking the inside of his stomach. 

 _“Yes, I saw you.”_ The voice whispered back. Castiel bit his lip, wondering just how much more of his overly attentive care had been observed while he thought they were alone. He hoped Dean couldn’t see the thoughts inside his mind as well. _“Thank you.”_ The sound was like a litany to him. A reward for every precious moment spent by his bedside. 

“You are very welcome. Dean.” 

____

The rest of the evening passed uneventfully. Castiel didn't hear another sound, but things were different now. Dean could hear him, feel his presence. Castiel didn’t touch him again except to check on the mask that covered his mouth and the drip in his arm. A small part of him held back. Dean hadn’t seemed to mind, but he needed to process it all with a clear head. He had to be sure. He whispered a gentle goodnight and headed home.

Castiel opened up his computer and pulled it on to his lap, the meal he meant to warm up in the microwave forgotten. He tapped out _astral projection_ into the search engine, hardly believing he was even considering it. He heard all the stories before. Working in medical services was a backdrop for every crazy theory spawned by overworked staff and optimistic relatives. His eyes scanned the results on the screen, scrolling down until he spotted the entry _astral projection + coma patients_. He clicked on it, reading through article after article. Absorbing countless statistics and patient accounts. He read until his eyes started to sting from scrutinizing every word. After almost four hours he closed the lid with a sigh. Castiel shut his eyes and crossed his hands behind his neck. He hadn’t imagined it. Dean was real. So close, and yet so far away. He could almost still hear the voice in his head. Many disjointed thoughts and emotions made his heart ache. He managed to sum it all up in one word. 

“Shit.”

_____

Castiel didn't have to work the next day. He woke up a little later than normal and decided to stay in bed for a while. Snatches of half-conscious dreams soothing his mind while he dozed, each one consumed by Dean’s face. Every image seemed clearer than the last. He stretched out lazily under the sheets, picking up his clock from the bedside to check the time. Castiel rubbed the back of his hand across his eyes, squinting when a small sliver of morning sunlight peeped through the blinds. There was no help for it. Every waking thought was a whispered voice in the dark. His face. His scent. The soft, refined lines of his muscular body lying motionless under cheap hospital sheets. Castiel threw back the covers and sat up, breathing hoarse and shallow now panic was starting to move through his body. This wasn't a feeling he knew or even pretended to understand. Castiel strategically avoided the pitfalls of relationships for years. The ward officer at work suggested a long time ago it might help to get out more - go find a nice girl to settle down with. The look Castiel delivered on the specifics of that particular proposal all but withered him on the spot, his only response “Oh… right.” 

Castiel knew he understood the implication completely. No one ever mentioned it after that. The officer clearly passed on the none too subtle information the new male nurse had absolutely no interest in girls. For several minutes Castiel went about his morning routine, distracting himself with a meager breakfast. He moved aimlessly through the kitchen, unnecessarily shifting unwashed cups and eventually sitting down at the table with his second mug of strong black coffee. He tapped his fingers restlessly on the table while he fought the desire to go back to the hospital. Torn between needing the rest, and wanting to check on his patient. 

“For goodness sake.” Castiel blurted out, to no one in particular.

He pushed the coffee aside, cursing his indecision. Castiel headed up to the bathroom and turned on the shower, undressing quickly and stepping in. He stood under the running water, mindlessly stroking the dampening hair from his face. He felt his heart beat in time with the drip of streams tumbling over his body. A combined ripple of fear and desire caused his hands to tremble while he squeezed some shampoo on to his palm. Castiel rubbed his fingers gently through his hair, willing it all to go away. He just wanted his life to be simple again. 

After he got out the shower and dried himself, Castiel pulled on a fading t-shirt and a pair of jeans before padding downstairs. The coffee was cold, and he couldn’t face the thought of any more food so he tipped the drink down the sink and grabbed his car keys before he could change his mind. Mumbling incoherent reprimands to his moral self, he shrugged on his jacket and slammed the door behind him. 

_____

“Cas?” Max looked confused. “What you doing here? Thought you had a day off.”  Castiel lowered his eyes, frantically trying to come up with a plausible lie. 

“Yeah, I forgot something.” Castiel stammered. “You know me. Just can’t keep away.” He laughed awkwardly, hoping he wasn’t being too obvious. He was. 

“Okaayy.” Max drawled slowly. Castiel coughed. 

“I’ll just go get it then.” He smiled weakly, unable to stop himself from asking the one question now resonating loudly in his head. “So, how’s everything… everyone?” Castiel asked over his shoulder. Max studied his face for a moment, expression gradually shifting into understanding. 

“Good, I think.” He smiled gently at Castiel before waving him off dismissively. “Why don’t you just go check on him yourself while you’re here. Be a pity to waste the trip over.” Castiel felt warmth spread up his chest, rubbing the back of his neck while he let out a small noise. He couldn’t find a damn thing to say. They stared at each other while Max stifled a smirk. Castiel slumped, blushing shamefully. Max let his smile grow, walking over to place a calming hand on one shoulder. He patted it twice. “Cas.” He laughed. “How long have I known you? Besides, Layton told me you were like a man possessed when you insisted on putting him in your section.” Castiel looked mortified. 

“What? I was not.” He exclaimed indignantly. “No… I... I just think it’s a shame he has no one to visit.” Max indulged him with a nod. 

“He’s a John Doe. Nobody knows he’s here, you idiot. Now go on, some of us have actual work to do.” He grinned when Castiel bit his lip, letting his eyes wander to the end of the ward. Inhaling like it was his last breath. _Not strictly true._ Castiel thought. _I think I know his name._

_____

Another two long days went by. Dean’s condition didn't improve, and the neurologist Max requested was still due to assess him. Castiel would spend time with him on shifts when he could spare it. He made sure he didn’t neglect his other duties, no matter how much he wanted to. Between shifts he would sit by Dean's bedside, reading, talking. Sometimes staring, but he would never acknowledge that as one of his less subtle personality traits. The hours he spent at home were becoming fewer. His house, and even his bed seemed much wider and emptier while he was waiting for sleep to take him. By the following evening, he had almost given up hope of hearing the voice again. Starting to believe he must have dreamed it. A romantic illusion spawned by loneliness and desire.

Castiel quietly hummed something to distract himself while he watched Dean sleep, gradually remembering small snatches of a song somewhere in his distant memory. A memory of happier days before he lost _her_. He couldn’t even bring himself to say her name, even in his own head. Castiel pushed the thought back when his eyes misted over. His fingers slid lightly underneath Dean’s palm, subconsciously at first. He wrapped one thumb gently over Dean's hand. His voice grew stronger while he sang softly to him. Repeating his gentle lullaby, not sure Dean could even hear him in his physical body.

_“Sometimes, all I need is the air that I breathe and to love you. All I need is the air that I breathe, yes to love you. Peace came upon me and it leaves me weak. So sleep, silent angel, go to sleep.”_

Castiel faltered as he murmured the last line, stunned he was suddenly fighting back unshed tears that pushed behind his eyes. He let go of Dean’s hand and backed away in dismay. An unexpected rush of feelings surging through his blood and leaving him cold. He wasn’t supposed to feel like this. Castiel wondered if he simply imagined Dean's presence. He wanted him so badly his thoughts betrayed him, not entirely convinced the voice in his head wasn't just a product of insomnia and too much medication. He swallowed hard and took one last fearful glance at Dean before stumbling to the doorway. _I’m just upset because it reminded me of my sister_. Castiel told himself, over and over in his head while he backed out of the bay. It sounded like a lie. His eyes shimmered in the soft glow of half-light. Castiel didn’t see one of the staff nurses approaching and collided with her in his haste to leave, knocking the stack of papers she was carrying onto the floor. She gasped in surprise. 

“You okay?” The nurse asked, frowning up at him with concern when she bent to pick up the notes now scattered across the corridor. Castiel blinked frantically, expression totally blank. “Cas?” She prompted. He took a shallow breath and pushed past her.

“I just need a minute.” He whispered faintly, almost running by the time he reached the exit. Castiel pushed the door open, a sudden burst of air rushing over his face. The breeze chased away tears that threatened to spill from his eyes. This had to stop.

_____

Soundtrack Chapter 1: [**Save A Life** (Manic Drive)](http://www.loudtronix.co/listenYT.php?name=MANIC+DRIVE+%7C+SAVE+A+LIFE&show=true&url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wWLyQBDxdJ0)

           

[](http://s1351.photobucket.com/user/lostangel68/media/NurseCastiel_zpsfa50a9c7.jpg.html)


	2. Beautiful Loser

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel develops a close bond with the spirit of his patient. He hopes Dean will recover but reports on his progress are disheartening. Castiel is sent away for a few days, trusting his friend to watch over the man in his absence.  
> Castiel is forced to return when Dean's condition starts to deteriorate, knowing he is falling in love. All hope seems lost until the arrival of an unexpected visitor.

Chapter 2     **Beautiful Loser**

The ward was calm when Castiel came back ten minutes later, eyes now free from tears. He nodded a silent apology to the nurse he unintentionally assaulted in the corridor but she didn’t smile back. Castiel bit into his bottom lip, twisting nervous fingers through the edge of his tunic. He managed to stay out Dean’s room for the best part of an hour, even though his eyes darted to it many times while he completed his rounds. Watching the hour hand edge round until it eventually signalled the time he had to go and check Dean’s pulse and blood pressure. Castiel couldn’t subdue the excitement inside him, gently pushing the screen aside while his eyes drifted lazily across every contour of his body. Everything else in the world just fell away.

Castiel fussed over Dean for a few more minutes and wrote down his statistics. He smoothed down the sheets, humming the same tune that affected him so profoundly earlier. Really annoyed with himself because it was now stuck in his head. Castiel moved quietly around the small bay, trying not to be distracted by the warm pull of Dean's body lying so still in the bed beside him. He was mindlessly twisting the plastic cog controlling the flow on the IV line when he felt the effusive caress on his face. A touch he convinced himself he definitely hadn't missed. _Not at all._ Castiel closed his eyes and let the feeling move through him. Waiting for the soft push of a hushed voice that would join his thoughts with Dean’s.

 _“Hello?”_ Castiel felt the question flood his senses, suppressing a shiver.

“Dean?” He tried so hard not to sound desperate.

 _“Yes. Yes, I’m here.”_ Castiel allowed himself a small smile.

“Hello, Dean.” He whispered, his face suddenly warm and pink. “I haven’t heard you for a couple of days. What happened?”

 _“I don’t know. Has it really been days? I heard something… a song I think. It sounded so - ”_ Dean hesitated. _“Anyway, it must have pulled me back.”_ He added. Castiel frowned.

“Pulled you back?” He echoed. “What do you mean… where were you?” The vibration in the air seemed to move closer when it came again.

 _“I’m not sure. Everything was so dark. It felt like I was drowning again. Was that you?”_

Castiel swallowed down many emotions caught in his throat. He nodded once.

“The song? Yes, I used to sing that to - ” He paused, never sharing that with anyone before. “My sister.” Castiel said at last. “I used to sing it to her when she felt sad. It helped her fall asleep.” He felt a light touch by the side of his face, and almost leaned into it.

 _“I have a little brother. His name is Sam.”_ Dean continued. _“Your sister, what’s her name?”_ Castiel could feel the sadness rising up again, trying to stop fresh tears from building.

“Lily.” Castiel answered softly. “Her name is... was, Lily.” He corrected, falling silent for a few seconds. “She died.” Castiel murmured. “A long time ago.” The air hung heavy around him.

 _“I’m sorry.”_ There was another pause.

“Dean, I can’t talk about this right now.” Castiel whispered.

 _“Sorry. I understand.”_ More silence. _“I just realized, I don’t know your name.”_ Castiel let out a broken laugh and wiped the back of his hand across his eyes, grateful for the distraction.

“Sorry.” He said at last. “Castiel. It’s Castiel, but most people just call me - ”

 _“Cas. Yes, I remember now.”_ Dean’s voice drifted through the air next to his face. _“I heard it. Some things are just... I dunno… disjointed. I can hear people talking sometimes, but it’s not very clear.”_ Castiel nodded thoughtfully. _“You. I hear you. For some reason your voice is clearer. Stronger somehow.”_ Castiel’s eyes opened wide.

“Really?” It wasn’t a question.

 _“Cas?”_ The word was spoken like a breath in his ear.

“Hmm?”

 _“Can I ask you something?”_

Castiel swallowed.

“Of course.” He replied quickly, heart starting to race again. There was a brief silence like Dean was trying to find the right words.

 _“Why do you spend so much time in here?”_ Castiel froze, thoughts a storm of possible responses.

“I don’t know.” He answered honestly. There was no reply.

_____

Castiel stood patiently at Dean’s bedside while the neurologist examined him. He was painfully professional, much to Castiel’s annoyance. He treated the body so clinically. Castiel locked his fingers together, a conscious attempt to stop himself from reaching out to take Dean’s hand. Castiel wanted to give him some comfort, now knowing Dean’s spirit could be watching. He may have even been waiting in the shadows to hear his diagnosis. There was at least twenty minutes of silence, broken only by the unpleasant sounds of the doctor poking and jabbing at his patient with a variety of ominous looking metal instruments and the mournful clicks of the machine he attached to Dean’s head to assess his brain activity. Dean’s physical body didn't respond to any of the reflex tests he administered.

 _“What’s he doing?”_ Castiel heard a soft whisper beside him, the question loaded with concern. Castiel jumped, quickly trying to regain some composure in front of his colleague. He moved away from the bed and answered in a low whisper.

“He’s assessing you. We need to know exactly what’s wrong so we can help you recover.” The doctor looked up. Castiel smiled weakly, lifting a dismissive hand. The doctor shook his head. “Great. He thinks I’m insane.” Castiel heard a muffled laugh close beside him.

 _“You are, Cas. You spend all your time in here with an unconscious loser.”_ Castiel inhaled a sharp breath.

“Don’t say things like that.” Castiel muttered as quietly as he could, despite the fact he was completely thrown by Dean’s remark. “You are _not_ a loser. You did a really selfless thing. I think you’re - ” He stopped himself when his face grew warm again.

 _“What, Cas? What were you gonna say?”_ Castiel swallowed again.

“Never mind.” He forced out a laugh. “Just ignore me. After all, I'm completely insane, apparently.” Castiel felt a cold draft of air on the back of his neck. Dean must have come closer.

 _“Don’t say things like that.”_ Dean echoed, teasing by casting his words back to him. It made Castiel smile.

When the examination was over, Castiel adjusted the pillows and smoothed down the sheets while the neurologist left to file his report. He could still feel Dean’s presence just behind him. Castiel waited until the other man left the room, resigning himself to an anxious wait for any details on his patient’s condition. Castiel sensed the shiver of calm pleasure sweeping over his skin whenever the spirit was close. He wondered if Dean actually knew where he was and what happened to him. Castiel made sure they were alone before he closed the door, patiently waiting to hear Dean’s voice again.

 _“Cas, what’s wrong?”_ Dean asked softly, when Castiel moved to sit on the edge of Dean’s bed. Leaning in towards the man who was so temptingly close.

”What do you mean?” Castiel asked quietly. “Nothing’s wrong. I just wanted to make sure you were alright.” Dean's body was distressingly still, but Castiel knew the ever present soul of Dean was close enough for him to feel the disembodied breath beside his face.

 _“Cas?”_ Dean started slowly. _“Is there something you wanna tell me?”_ Castiel guessed what Dean was trying to ask. _“Something’s bothering you, man. I can feel it.”_ Castiel turned to the space where he thought Dean might be.

“How?” Castiel heard a rushed sigh next to his ear. He waited for Dean to explain, while he picked at the stitching on the edge of the sheet draped across Dean’s body.

 _“I don’t really understand how.”_ Dean said at last. Castiel dared a cautious touch to Dean’s arm where it lay motionless on top of the cover. Blood was rushing through his veins. He felt a responsive shudder beside him. _”You always comfort me, Cas. Thank you.”_ He heard the soft whisper of Dean’s voice. Castiel tried to hide a blush. _“I don’t know.”_ Dean added. _“It’s kinda weird here. Most of the time it’s sort of like walking through fog. Sometimes I see colours.”_

“Colours?”

 _“Yeah. I can sort of see what you’re feeling. It's not real clear and I can’t really explain it, but when you’re happy it makes me think of light and sunshine, but when you’re sad or worried it’s darker somehow. Almost black.”_ Dean continued. _“Like when you mentioned - ”_ He stopped when Castiel’s expression hardened into a frown. “When you’re not so happy.” Dean finished diplomatically. Castiel was thankful for it.

“Dean?” Castiel asked. “You do understand what this is, don’t you? What's happening here?”

_“If you mean do I wonder how I can talk to you, when I'm clearly lying unconscious right here. Kinda. I know I'm not real."_

“Of course you’re real. Honestly, I think it’s some kind of astral projection. You died, Dean. You died in that lake. It’s only the machines keeping your body alive.” Castiel sounded so sad. “That’s what I think, but I didn’t say you had to like it.” Castiel sensed a slight tremor in the air when it rushed past him. The rise of Dean’s voice shifted slightly. It was less clear.

 _“There’s someone else here with me, Cas. I don’t like him.”_ Castiel felt a rush of dread clench at his chest.

“Dean… Who is it? What do you mean?” Castiel spluttered out.

 _“I think he wants me to go with him.”_ Dean whispered. _“But I don’t want to. I want to stay here. With you._ ” Castiel felt a cold gust of air beside Dean’s body.

“Calm down. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want.” Castiel encouraged, falling silent when the room grew warm again. Castiel looked around desperately for some sign Dean’s spirit was still near him, but he felt nothing. “Dean?” He cried out in fear. “Dean? Stay with me, please.” The words seemed to hang in the air. Castiel had no choice but to wait… and hope.

_____

Max called all the staff into the office. His face was drawn, mouth set in a fixed line. When Castiel came in, he quickly lowered his eyes and coughed, beckoning Layton to close the door.

“Right.” He started, coughing again. Castiel felt a twist in the pit of his stomach. He searched his friend’s face for some emotion, but Max deliberately avoided his gaze. Castiel felt sick. “Okay, I got the report back on our mystery hero in Bed 2.” He began slowly. “According to the neurologist, there's almost no brain activity, no physical response to any of the tests and - ” He paused, daring a sideways glance in Castiel’s direction. “His heart rate is very irregular. Honestly, the only reason he’s still breathing is because he’s hooked up to the ventilator.” Castiel felt the room close in around him, sounds suddenly muffled and hazy. He steadied himself on the counter behind him. “If we can’t find his next of kin, we’ll have to make the decision when it comes to it.” Max said quietly, eyes now fixed on Castiel. “Cas, can I have a word with you please?” He asked calmly.

The rest of the staff left them alone and went back to their rounds. Layton turned to take a last look at Castiel before he left, face etched with concern. Max pulled up a chair in front of him and gestured for Castiel to sit.

“Cas.” He began gently. “I know this is none of my business but are you alright? Really?” Castiel looked up, not sure where the conversation was heading. He didn’t reply. Max sighed. “Listen, I know the anniversary is coming up. Maybe you should take a couple of days.” Castiel actually felt a small jolt of relief. Max had completely misread it.

“Yes. I think that would be helpful. Thank you.” Castiel answered in monotone. The other man smiled kindly at him before leaving the office. Castiel heard the door close, inhaling a deep breath and dropping his head in his hands. He had been so completely distracted by Dean, Castiel almost forgot about the most hateful day of his entire year. That thought filled him with shame and guilt. He had let someone else take her place in his thoughts. It had come round all too quickly again.

Lily. The name that inspired all his self-hatred and the depth of his sorrow for the last fifteen years. He never said her name out loud when he mentioned her death to anyone, but he had said her name to Dean. The first time in over a decade he had actually given voice to his pain. Every day since, Castiel wondered if maybe he had done something differently, said something she wanted to hear, it would have made her stay. He finally got up, pushing his hands through his hair and tugging on the edge of his uniform before opening the door.

Layton was outside, leaning up against the wall and mindlessly clicking the tip of his pen in and out. He stood up straight when he saw Castiel come out.

“Hey.” He offered a quick smile. “You okay?” Castiel smiled back, shutting the door behind him.

“Yeah, I’m okay.” He lied. “I gotta stay off the ward for a couple of days.” He made an exaggerated gesture of rotating the air next to his temple with one finger. “Apparently, I’m unstable.” 

“Yeah well, got to be to work here, Cas.” Layton grinned. Castiel just nodded distractedly.

“Hey, can you watch him for me?” He asked suddenly. The words sounded a little too desperate, even to him. Layton frowned until he realized what Castiel meant. He gave his friend a genuinely warm smile when he gestured behind him with a simple flick of his head.

“You mean, your boyfriend?” Layton laughed. Castiel felt heat shoot up his face and spread across the tips of his ears.

“I mean, my patient.” Castiel gave a small sigh. “Please. Just… I don’t know.” He was stammering awkwardly. Layton rested his hand affectionately on his friend’s shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze.

“Sure, Cas. Don’t worry. I won’t let them dissect him or sell off all his internal organs while you’re gone.” Castiel narrowed his eyes.

“Thank you, that makes me feel so much better.” Castiel made a move to leave, but Layton held him back with his hand still resting on one shoulder.

“Cas. Take care, okay?” Layton gave him a sympathetic nod.

“I will, thanks. See you in a few days.” Castiel added, eyes drifting intuitively to the bay at the end of the corridor. He wanted to go to Dean one last time, but knew it would only weaken his resolve to leave. Layton knew it would be best for Cas to go home before he had another fit.

“Just go. I’ll look after him.” Layton winked. Castiel still didn't move, staring absently into the space behind his shoulder. He held onto Castiel’s arms, turning him round to give him a push. Castiel left without another word.

_____

It was raining. _Figures._ Castiel thought, grey skies cascading heavy sheets of water far as his eyes could see. He stared up into the clouds through the taxi window, watching the deluge pour down. The car eventually pulled up in front of iron gates, unchecked ivy twisting through the open bars like it was trying to choke the life out of everything it touched. Castiel inhaled a breath so deep it made his whole body shake. He slowly opened the cab door and stepped out onto the saturated ground of the cemetery. Castiel looked down at the fading cluster of pink roses in his hand. An inadequate symbol of the love he once had for her.

Castiel made his way to the modest plot under the cherry tree that still blossomed by the shadow of the west wall. He found the marker easily, laying the wilting flowers reverently under carved stone. The resting place of his beloved Lily. Castiel leaned forward, tracing the weather worn etchings with his fingers, heart aching in his chest. He settled on his knees to begin the ritualistic plea for forgiveness he perpetuated every year.

His sad eyes rested on the stone. Dreamlike images of his sister’s young face, blue eyes sparkling. Shiny dark hair cascading over her shoulders like a river of glass swirling around his mind. Castiel remembered her.

His one lasting regret in life had been how badly he failed her, ignoring the signs that all seemed so painfully clear when he looked back. He hadn’t seen the way she reached out for him to lift her from a deep pit of despair. Maybe there was just something dark inside her. His thoughts drifted back to Dean. He would never have another death on his conscience. _Never._ Castiel knew in his heart he couldn't take that agony again. He turned his attention back to the reason for his presence in such a cheerless place.

Castiel could never explain why he still persecuted himself by visiting his sister’s neglected grave. The guilt that haunted him over her death was still as raw as on that fateful day he discovered she had taken her own life. Castiel silently fought the swell of sorrow that breached the corners of his eyes.

“Lily.” He attempted faintly, running his fingers through pale pink rose petals. All he had to offer her now. “I’m so sorry. I wish you were here with me. I miss you so much.” He let out a muffled sob. Castiel sat by the grave for a long time, not caring the sun had begun its idle descent behind the horizon. Rain clouds long since guided away by a gentle breeze. “I’ve met someone I really care about, Lily.” Castiel smiled, after a long pause. “You would like him. He makes me feel all those things I swore I would never let myself feel. He makes me feel alive, like I have a purpose again. I can help him. Help him in all the ways I couldn’t help you.” He patted the soil beneath him. “You would tease me because he isn’t even conscious.” The absurdity of the whole situation had become so overwhelming, so quickly. “I'm going to help him get well. I want to take care of him.” Castiel knew Dean was gone for now. It would take a lot more than the promise of his affection to deliver him from darkness. Castiel finally rose to leave when his tears dried upon his cheeks. He allowed himself one last lingering gaze at her name carved in the enduring grey stone before he walked back to the road.

_____

Castiel made no attempt to go into work the following day, concerned all his thoughts were being consumed by the need to placate Dean’s spirit. It tore at the very fabric of his conscience. Wanting to be close to him cast a shadow on his position at the hospital. It was his only access to Dean.

During his second lonely night alone, Castiel awoke to the dull hum of his cell vibrating with a message. He reached over to open it, scrolling down to reveal a blurry note from Layton. Castiel glanced at the time on top of the screen: 2.40 a.m. He shot bolt upright in bed, heart racing while he read the message again with frantic eyes.

_You need to come back. He crashed again. Might not make it. Just get here._

Castiel let out fractured sounds of distress, launching the covers away before plummeting out of bed. He scrambled to find discarded clothes where he cast them carelessly the night before. Castiel dressed quickly and grabbed his car keys from the counter in the hallway. Pulling on his jacket and heading out the door without even switching off the lights.

_____

Castiel sprinted down the corridor towards Dean’s room. Layton grabbed his arm when he rushed past. Castiel stopped suddenly when he got pulled back.

“Cas.” Layton muttered breathlessly. “Thank God. You got my message?” Castiel nodded, fear and desperation straining his features into a stiff expression. His eyes searched Layton’s face for some kind of explanation.

“What happened?” Castiel gasped, after a few seconds. Layton released him, gently smoothing down the sleeve of Castiel’s jacket.

“I have no idea, man. He was just the same the last couple of days, but then he suddenly crashed again just after midnight. No warning. Nothing. We managed to get him back. Just.” Layton shook his head sadly, staring into Castiel’s eyes. “I’m so sorry. I know I said I’d look after him.” His voice trailed off miserably.

“It’s not your fault. Just let me go to him.” 

Layton sighed and touched his friend's arm.

“Cas. He’s just another patient, remember. Don’t get too close.” Castiel removed his hand, meeting that gaze with stern eyes.

“I think it’s a little late for that.”

_____

Castiel's hands were trembling by the time he reached the room, eyes falling immediately on Dean’s face when he became accustomed to the light. It was still a blank canvas of silence.

“Dean.” Castiel breathed, all sense of duty and consequence disappearing when he drank in the familiar contours of Dean’s silhouette. This man he coveted more than anything. Wonderful and terrifying all at the same time. Castiel waited hopefully in the shadows, willing Dean's spirit to find him and tell him what happened. There was nothing. “Dean?” Castiel tried again, broken voice urgent and desperate. The seconds seemed to pass like an eternity when he moved closer to Dean’s bed, resting one palm on the rise of his hip.

 _“Cas?”_ It was remote and hesitant. Castiel scanned every dark corner, visibly relieved he could sense Dean again.

“Oh, thank God. What happened?” Castiel asked, through a rush of air. He felt a cold tremor pass by him. 

_“I think I was supposed to leave, but I stayed away from him. Where were you?”_ Dean asked. Castiel thought there was a soft note of accusation in it.

“I got asked to take a couple of days off. I’m so sorry.” Castiel replied, voice faltering slightly when he thought about visiting Lily. Castiel suddenly stopped. “Stayed away?” He tensed. “Dean? What do you mean?” Castiel felt Dean’s reassuring presence move closer.

 _“That man I told you about. He tried to get me to go with him. He wants to take me away, Cas.”_ Dean muttered, voice hitching with anxiety.

“Dean.” Castiel murmured softly.

 _“And you know what scares me more than anything?_ ” Dean added. _“I wanted to go with him.”_ Castiel sat up straight, pulse racing. _“You don’t understand how hard it is to keep fighting it. There’s a warm place waiting for me and a light that pulls me in. Cas_ \- ” Dean said suddenly, ethereal voice breaking with emotion. _“He said I could see my mother again.”_ Castiel felt a keen shard of sympathy pierce his heart. He knew he would give anything to see Lily just one more time. To hold her, feel the warmth of her small body when he embraced her.

“Dean, if that's what you want.” Castiel forced out the words through a heartbreaking ache that pulled inside him. “Then you should go. You could be at peace.” He waited for Dean to say something. Minutes passed. Castiel wondered dismally if Dean had actually gone, but the heart monitor was still sending out mournful clicks. Castiel felt air caress the skin of his cheek.

 _“I want to live.”_ Dean said decisively. _“I want to see my brother again.”_ Castiel sensed Dean was hesitating. _“Cas, I wanna be awake when I thank you for everything you've done for me.”_ Castiel's voice was trapped in his throat. He couldn’t move.

“Dean, you don’t need to do that.” Castiel hid a shy smile.

 _“Yes I do, Cas. You don’t even know. You kept me here. I would have stopped fighting him a long time ago.”_ Dean admitted. Castiel flushed with warmth.

“I don’t believe I can take all the credit for that.” A bud of hope curled inside him. 

_“Believe me, you can.”_ Dean added. _“This world is dark to me now. I know I'm on the edge of death. You're the light that keeps me here, I know it.”_

_____

Castiel made every effort to help Dean recover. There was something meaningful between them now, much more than a simple exchange of words. It was almost like they could see inside each other. The dangerous attachment Castiel had developed for this beautiful man let him know in his heart he was falling.

_Why do you always love with everything, Castiel? Why do you always love too much?_

Lily’s words still haunted him. The last thing she ever said to him. He couldn't find an answer to it now. No more than he could then. _Just let me go._ Four words that went unspoken at their last meeting, but he could see each one reflected in her eyes. If only he had known at that moment what she truly meant by it. Castiel still held on to the comfort she knew he loved her. Very much.

_Not enough._

Castiel tried to hide his affection for Dean from the other staff, but suspected Layton at least was more switched on than he gave him credit for. _Smug bastard._ Dean had a life outside these white walls. It was probably a good life. A life he would want to return to. Castiel knew about his brother of course, but little else. Partly it was deliberate. He hadn't asked. If he didn’t know, then it would be easier to pretend. The cold grip on his heart when he thought about that was too much. Dean might not even be interested in him like that. He didn't dare to hope his romantic sentiments would be returned by another man. Castiel sighed, convincing himself he was much happier not knowing. He could still believe Dean could be his, and his alone. He felt a sting of possessiveness. _This was not good. Not good at all._

_______

Days passed into weeks. Castiel decided whatever this was Dean did to him, wasn't even worth denying to himself anymore. He spent most of his time just watching the regulated movement of Dean’s chest with each intake of air. The room was always so still, Castiel often found himself wondering where Dean’s spirit went when it wasn’t there with him. The thought was broken when he suddenly looked up to see Layton standing in the doorway. His eyes were full of concern. Castiel's mouth suddenly felt too dry.

“What is it?” He asked anxiously. His friend said nothing, _which was much worse,_ Castiel thought. A sick feeling started to twist at his insides. “Layton?” Blue eyes grew wide. Layton moved around the bed and touched his arm.

“Cas.” The name faltered on his lips. “It’s been almost a month.” Castiel visibly stiffened, forcing himself to meet Layton’s gaze. “He’s never going to regain consciousness. He’s just too damaged.” Layton spoke the last few words as delicately as he could, but Castiel looked at him with betrayal in his eyes. He roughly pulled his arm away. “Max just called it, Cas. There’s no one else to sign for it. I really am sorry.” He tried to reach for Castiel in sympathy when he frantically shook his head, stumbling back until he was pressed up against the wall.

“No." Through hazy vision, Castiel saw two more nurses come into the bay. Max was standing behind them. He exchanged a knowing look with Layton.

“Castiel.” Max stated firmly. “I’m sorry, there’s nothing more we can do for him. He’s gone.”

“No. You’re wrong.” Castiel breathed out desperately, fractured voice cutting through the silence. “He’s there. He is.” His only response was a canvas of vacant expressions.

“Layton.” Max directed. “Can you take Cas to get some air? He doesn’t look well.” Layton looked over in surprise. Castiel was now visibly shaking, all the colour drained from his face. Layton held him up, supporting his friend at the elbow while he tried to help him outside. Castiel shook him off.

“No.” He tried again, struggling to free his arm. Layton was tugging him gently towards the exit. “Get off me!” Castiel cried. “He’s there, I know it.” The last sentence was painfully quiet. Castiel knew in his heart he couldn’t argue any more right now. He pulled free and took himself outside for air.

_____

Later that day, the ward was peaceful once again. Castiel avoided the other staff and Dean’s bay for the most part. He was struggling to form coherent thoughts. He might lose Dean, and now he was scared his colleagues were convinced he was a complete psychopath. Subliminal thoughts drifted aimlessly in his head, random snatches of ethereal conversations and stolen touches in the dark when he was alone with Dean in his room. It was like being in love with a ghost.

Castiel cursed himself for getting so close and letting in all the emotions he buried in a grave with his sister. Too much heart was always his weakness. A sudden horror gripped him. _What if Dean already had someone else?_ Castiel busied himself with inane ward duties, casting fake smiles and starting polite conversations while he was slowly dying inside, piece by tiny piece. He pushed the intolerable images aside until he eventually felt pulled towards the little bay at the end of the corridor. He stopped in the doorway, face frozen in alarm. He saw what could only be described as a colossus of a man. Shaggy brown hair drooping limply over his face. He was still tall even with leaning over Dean’s bed, shoulders slumping forward in weary defeat. He looked very tired. The man didn’t see Castiel come in, too distracted by studying Dean’s motionless body.

“Can I help you?” Castiel stammered at last, searching the man’s face. The man quickly brushed the back of his hand across his eyes. Castiel moved forward protectively, closing the distance between himself and Dean so his body was pushed up hard against the bed.

“Sorry.” The stranger replied softly, extending a large hand towards Castiel in friendship.

“Do you know him?” Castiel asked, not ready to take the man’s hand just yet.

 _Shit. Please don’t be his boyfriend._

“Yeah.” The man replied, hand still reaching out to Castiel. “He’s my brother.” Castiel felt all the air rush out of his lungs, mouth suddenly spreading into a warm smile when he rubbed the palm of one hand down his tunic and reached over the bed to return the handshake. “Sam.” The man took Castiel’s hand and shook it once.

“Castiel.” He already knew the man's name, but didn’t think it tactical to mention it with Dean’s almost lifeless body lying between them.

“I can’t believe it.” Sam gasped. “Nobody knew what happened to him.” He smiled openly at Castiel. “Thank you for caring for him.” Castiel caught a flicker of sadness cross Sam’s face. He didn’t mention it. “I hope he hasn’t given you any trouble.” Sam was still gazing down at Dean’s face, resting a huge palm affectionately against the side of his cheek. A hundred possible responses swept through Castiel's mind.

_He’s completely fucked up my head, and almost cost me my job and my sanity._

“No. No trouble at all.” Castiel managed, through an inflexible smile. There was a brief pause. Sam’s mouth twitched slightly like he saw something else there. He finally released Castiel’s hand. The two men talked for a few minutes. Castiel told Sam about the last few weeks and the small changes in Dean’s physical condition. Sam informed Castiel the police finally found his car a few miles out from the lake where he fished out the little boy, _who was fine by the way,_ Sam added. Dean’s ID got left in the car, so he must have walked up to the lake instead of parking next to it. Sam continued to tell Castiel they didn’t speak that often, but after a couple of weeks without a text or a call he started to get worried and set about looking into it. He called all the usual places, but nobody had admitted a _Dean Winchester_. Dead, or otherwise.

“Winchester.” Castiel mused tenderly, like he was tasting the word on his tongue. Sam pulled a face.

“Anyway - ” He continued slowly. “It took me a while to figure it out, but then I started checking all the recent John Does instead. It was a terrible shock, but well… at least he’s alive.” Sam said, almost as an afterthought he accidentally voiced out loud. “I really can’t thank you enough, Castiel.” Sam added. “That other staff nurse told me how attentive you’ve been. How you never gave up on him.” Castiel stilled, his thoughts scattering.

“Cas, please.” He corrected politely, trying to regain some composure. “Just doing my job.” He lied. “What exactly did he say?” Castiel tilted his head back to glance over at the nurses’ station. He saw Layton with his feet propped up shamefully on the counter. He was grinning inanely, lifting one hand to give Castiel a little wave. Castiel stared at him in disbelief. _Note to self. Remember to brutally murder that little shit and dump his cold, lifeless body in a dark alley._ He waved back and turned to Sam with a bitter smile that was completely lost on him.

“Not much.” Sam offered indifferently. He wasn’t even looking at Castiel anymore. “He just said you looked after Dean really well and even spent your free time in here 'cause you felt bad he didn’t have anyone to visit.” Castiel smiled a little more. His heartbeat was increasing at such a pace, he thought it might actually stop altogether under the strain. “That was so kind of you. Thanks, really.” There was a satisfying hum of gratitude rising from deep inside his chest. He was still smiling up at Sam from one side of his mouth when a sudden and overwhelmingly euphoric thought drenched him.

“Oh my God.” Castiel blurted out, with no heed to the consequences. “Sam.” He stared up at him. “I presume you’re his next of kin, right?” He stammered, words coming passionately fast. Sam gave him a curious glance when he looked down at the smaller man and nodded.

“Yes, but what - ” Sam wasn't sure where the question was leading. Castiel's eyes were shining with relief.

“Sam. I need to ask you something, and it’s gonna sound really bad but I have to ask it.” A flood of emotions crossed Castiel's face. “Your brother, you know he’s on a respirator? Well… the doctors aren’t sure he's ever going to regain consciousness.” Castiel waited. Sam looked serious. “You wouldn’t ever think of turning off his life support, would you?” He searched Sam’s eyes for an answer, but he already knew what he would say. Castiel saw the love there earlier when he placed his hand on Dean’s face. The question was beyond contempt.

“Why in the hell would I do something like that?” Sam exclaimed. Castiel was able to breathe again, Sam’s words wrapping around his mind like he was bathing in sunshine.

“Come with me please, Sam. Lots of paperwork.” Castiel added, an inappropriate and almost painfully wide smile stretching all the way across his mouth. His heart filled again with hope. “Do you mind?”

“No. No, of course not. After you.” Sam replied, before following Castiel down the corridor.

The sense of relief Dean would now be kept alive flooded through Castiel like a tidal wave. He started to feel a little lightheaded. His thoughts had become so consumed with Dean’s fate, the anxiety was stifling. He couldn’t remember the last time he ate, and sleep was a distant memory. Castiel watched while Sam filled in the forms on the desk with a steady hand, wondering how he could be so calm with his brother only just clinging to life like he was. Layton was now standing behind Sam and pointing out the sections on the paper he needed to sign. He looked up at Castiel and winked, just once. The adrenaline that kept Castiel on auto-pilot had gradually begun to fade. He finally let calm release swell through his body.

Castiel slowly realized the room was getting warm and claustrophobic. He could just see his friend through warped and swimming vision when the ground seemed to fall away beneath him. He tried to make out Layton’s blurry features, now stretched in alarm while he stared at Castiel. He thought he saw Layton reach out a hand towards him. Everything was running in slow motion as the edges of his sight clouded in. Sounds were muffled and distant like he was underwater. Castiel saw Layton silently mouth his name just before the light faded away completely. Blackness steadily filled in all the spaces.

_____

Castiel blinked slowly. Everything was flickering back from a faint pin point of light.

“Cas?” A distant voice called to him. He felt a sharp sting on his cheek.

“Ow.” Castiel muttered in annoyance, lifting up his hand to rub gently at the skin where he assumed someone slapped him. He realized with total humiliation, he was lying on one of the side beds in the corridor with Layton leaning over the top of him. He thrust a small paper cup in Castiel’s face.

“Here, drink this.” He commanded. Castiel squinted at it.

“What is it?” He asked quietly.

“Water. It’s just water, Cas. Here.” Layton tried again. Castiel let himself be tugged forward. He could feel Layton’s hand behind his head when he pushed his lips towards the edge of the cup. He took a small sip from one side and then pulled his mouth away. Castiel felt a warm flood of embarrassment wash over him.

“What happened?” He gasped, even though he could guess well enough.

“Dude, you full on fainted.” Layton whispered. “Cas, what the hell is going on?” Castiel sat up and smoothed down the material of his tunic with rigid motions. He tutted.

“Nothing’s going on.” He answered, in irritation. “I don’t know what you mean.” Layton took a deep breath.

“Really?” He wanted to believe him, but knew that was a lie. He stared hard at Castiel while his features softened from mistrust into concern. “This isn’t like you. Cas, you’ve always been the strong one. Lately it’s like you’re someone else. I know you don’t eat. You probably don’t sleep… you spend all your fucking time in here with him.” Layton stressed the last word, taking a tentative step forward in response to the biting glare Castiel shot him at the mention of Dean. “I’m just worried about you.” Castiel lowered his eyes.

“Well, you don't need to be. I’m fine.” He replied, a little too fast. Castiel quickly finished off the small cup of water his friend had pushed into his hand before walking away in exasperation. Castiel slowly edged off the bed and straightened up, still feeling a little dizzy from his unexpected collapse.

                                                                                 _____

Soundtrack Chapter 2: [**The Glass Parade** (Cary Brothers)](http://www.loudtronix.co/listenYT.php?name=Cary+Brothers+-+Glass+parade+\(with+lyrics\)&show=true&url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xr44dxEHxSY)


	3. Learn To Fly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel spends as much time as he can with his patient. When Dean makes a swift recovery, he must decide how he feels about being romantically involved with another man. Dean doesn't believe he is truly worthy of Castiel's affections, but it doesn't take long for him to realize he can't deny his innermost desires.

Chapter 3     **Learn To Fly**

Castiel decided he actually rather liked Sam. Not only had he refused to give permission for them to remove life support, he also seemed infinitely grateful to Castiel for looking after his brother so well. It made Castiel feel a little guilty knowing his motivation hadn't been entirely professional. At least the horrible wrenching pain in his chest was gone for now. He still wished constantly Dean would wake up, blatantly ignoring the warnings and unwanted advice of colleagues in favour of clinging to that one frail strand of hope he would come back. Castiel lived for the precious moments he could spend with Dean.

They continued to communicate in the dark with soft words and touches. Castiel submitted willingly to the warm thoughts gently pushed into his head by Dean’s spirit. Sometimes he would fall asleep by the side of the bed, lulled by the low tone of Dean’s voice. It soothed him while he told Castiel stories of when he was young. He explained about the tragic death of his mother when he was four years old, and they shared ideas and ambitions for the future. Dean explained how to strip the engine of a ‘67 Chevy and put it back together in an hour cold after he made Castiel memorize the lyrics to every Zeppelin song he could remember. Castiel was amazed by the depth of his personality. The intensity of his feelings for the things he loved. Castiel already figured out Dean didn't want much from life. Just for his little brother to be happy, and to always have enough money in his pocket for a tank full of gas and a slice of warm pie.

Castiel shared thoughts of his own. He never found it easy to talk about his family. Lily was the only one who really understood him, and she was gone. His father was dead. His mother and three older brothers had distanced themselves from him many years ago. Castiel suspected well enough the reasons why, but he let that pain go a long time ago.

 _“Cas?”_ A familiar voice pulled him back from his thoughts.

“Hello, Dean.” Castiel replied warmly, barely containing the spread of a smile that lifted up the corners of his mouth. Dean usually had questions about what was happening to him. Castiel tried his best to answer but some things were just beyond the scope of his understanding. He maybe read one philosophy book in college. Once. He was flattered Dean always expected him to have the answers he wanted, even though he often didn’t. There was a sudden break in the air around him. Castiel was sure Dean was coming closer now when they communicated. He was much calmer. Castiel rarely felt any tension in the air and there didn’t seem to be the same urgency when they spoke.

 _“Did you find anything?”_ Dean asked Castiel earlier if he would do some research in the hospital library. Dean needed to know how likely it was he would ever make it back into his body. It was a frequent topic of conversation between them. Castiel indulged him with infinite patience. Even though he kept telling him the same thing, Dean always seemed to listen intently, asking Castiel his opinion like it was worth something. Castiel liked that.

“I haven’t found anything new, if that’s what you mean. Your body's still alive, so your spirit is sort of attached to it. I suppose it must be so you have somewhere to go if you're meant to come back.” He almost heard Dean thinking it over in the conscious part of his mind.

 _“So if I actually die, then I won’t be stuck here anymore. I’ll go somewhere else.”_ It sounded like a question, but it wasn’t really. Castiel guessed Dean was just thinking aloud.

“Suppose.” That was something he didn't even want to consider. Castiel had become so used to Dean’s presence, he couldn’t imagine ever being without it.

“ _How do I get back, though?”_ He heard faintly. Dean must have moved. Castiel turned his head towards the voice.

“I don’t know.” He answered. “I’m sorry, Dean. I wish I could help more.” He felt a sharp blast of cold at his side.

 _“Cas, you have helped me. More than you know.”_ Castiel felt the skin on his arms start to prickle with how close Dean was. He modestly waved him away.

“But I wish I could. What _have_ I done? Honestly?” He felt something touch the back of his hand when he heard whispered words right next to him.

_“You saved me, Castiel.”_

_____

 _“What you doing?”_ Dean asked curiously, later on that day. Castiel glanced up from his hands. He was holding a small piece of folded white paper. He looked at Dean’s sleeping face.

“Oh, just passing time until you turned up again.” He answered, with a smile.

 _“What you making?”_ Castiel wondered why Dean was so inquisitive today.

“A present.” 

_“Who for?”_

“You.” Castiel continued to work on the paper. He was deftly folding in the corners and teasing out the edges to form the perfect shape of a lotus flower in bloom. He rested it on his palm to admire it, turning it gently in his hand to check all the angles. He placed it carefully on the table next to Dean’s bed. He heard a rush of air that almost sounded like an awed sigh.

_“Wow. That’s really good, Cas. What is it?”_

“Thanks. It’s a lotus flower. I could probably do you a hopping frog if you prefer. Easier, but probably not quite as impressive.” He heard Dean respond with a small chuckle.

 _“Nah, I like that. What did you say it was again?”_ Castiel looked down at the perfectly folded gift. His voice seemed far away and distant, like he was talking to himself.

“A lotus. It’s a symbol of spiritual awakening and rebirth. I thought it was appropriate.” Castiel answered. “It would rise up from under the muddy water with every new day into something pure and beautiful.” There was a small moment of silence.

 _“I like that too.”_ Dean added. _“How do you know all this stuff?”_ He sounded genuinely interested, so Castiel decided it would be okay to share just a small part of himself with Dean. He trusted him. Who was he going to tell anyway?

“I spent a lot of time alone as a child, and I like to read.” Castiel replied, like one somehow justified the other.

_“I thought you had brothers, too.”_

“I do.” Castiel answered quietly, mindlessly fidgeting with a stray piece of cotton on the sleeve of his tunic. He didn’t look up. “I… er… don’t have much contact with my family. They never really made much of an effort. They didn’t like that I was - ” He stopped mid-sentence, face flushing slightly while he quickly decided on another word. “Different.” Dean seemed to have missed the slip.

_“Hey, Cas. Can you teach me that?”_

Castiel laughed.

“Yes, Dean. But we might have to wait until your opposable thumbs are working again.” The sound of their happiness echoed around the walls. Castiel was the only one who could hear Dean.

_____

The visits were sometimes unpredictable. Castiel imagined time didn't pass quite the same for Dean. He rarely questioned him about it, and when Castiel asked where he went, Dean always said he couldn’t remember. Another week passed. Castiel had almost resigned himself to hopelessness, running scenarios over and over in his head of him and Dean together. Laughing and sharing secrets. Holding hands in the rain. Lying in bed together with Dean’s fingers playing through his hair while he whispered sweet promises in his ear.

A particularly loud signal from the monitor brought Castiel crashing back to reality. The only two people he wanted to keep safe were the only two he had ever failed. Castiel sat unnaturally still by Dean’s bedside, the constant sounds of the machine getting louder. He held a breath before reaching over to give it a tap, eyes scanning the screen in disbelief. The heart rate counter had definitely increased. It was rising quickly and it was erratic, but something had changed. Castiel dared to touch Dean’s face, gripping his chin with one hand and moving his face from side to side. Castiel marvelled at the touch of Dean’s stubble. How pliant it was under his caress. He looked back at the monitor.

”Dean?” Castiel imagined he saw a faint twitch of Dean’s fingers, a flutter of his eyelids. Castiel stroked the hair back from Dean's brow and searched for some sign of movement, however small or fleeting. Seconds seemed to pass like hours while Castiel waited, staring at Dean’s face. Without any warning, a splintered cough spluttered from dry lips and Dean gasped for air. The tube was still in his mouth, and he tried to blindly pull it free with desperate fingers. Castiel was caught somewhere between unprecedented joy and blank terror. He held Dean’s shoulders still in an attempt to calm him, pressing him gently back on the bed. Dean’s eyes were still closed, but Castiel could see rapid movement underneath his lids while he struggled against the touch. Dean arched his back. Castiel was still pinning him down, murmuring soothing words. “Dean, calm down. It’s okay. Just calm down.” He hushed. Dean’s body seemed to relax.

Castiel released him, stroking a gentle brush of comfort down both arms until Dean stopped moving altogether. Castiel was trembling. Dean’s face was now flushed with a subtle layer of sweat, some of it already pooling underneath his mouth and the curve of his chin. His eyelids fluttered once more as they started to open, narrowing in response to the unfamiliar light that filtered in. He blinked hard. Castiel watched in silence when the long eyelashes finally flicked open. Dean stared up at the man who saved him. It left Castiel almost speechless.

“Oh. You have green eyes.” It was all he could manage. Dean continued to stare back, taking in new surroundings. Castiel felt a small smile curl up his mouth. His gaze was still locked with Dean’s.

“Is this real?” Dean whispered, voice dry and hoarse from having a plastic tube stuck down his throat. Even though it sounded like a question, Castiel could see in his eyes Dean knew it was true. He nodded once.

“Yeah.” Castiel said softly. “Welcome back.” Dean held that unwavering stare while he tried to sit up, pushing his weight forward with a weak arm. Castiel reached out to touch him again. “You should rest. I can’t believe it. I wasn’t sure you would ever come back, Dean.” Castiel suddenly blushed, wondering if his patient had any memory of all that happened between them while he was sleeping. He looked away. Maybe it had all been in his head after all. _Shit. What if I am crazy?_ His heart was stuttering a desperate rattle in his chest while he watched Dean's mouth set in a tight line, indentations on his skin still visible where pads had marked his face. Dean tilted his head to one side in confusion.

“You okay, Cas?” Castiel released a breath of relief. Dean flinched in pain, but immediately tried to hide it with a smile. “I know what you’re thinking.” Castiel blinked in response but couldn’t find the words. Dean’s smile was now genuine, something tender playing behind it. His thoughts slowly evolved into a blend of sketchy memories and emotive whispers in the dark. “I remember.” Dean murmured, sagging back on to the pillow. “I remember everything.” Dean and Castiel just stared at each other for a while. Eventually Dean blinked and looked down at his hands where they were resting in his lap. “I don’t know what to say.” Dean admitted. “Thank you just don’t seem to cut it.” Castiel honestly thought he was going to collapse again. 

“You don’t need to say anything.” Dean glanced up modestly from under heavy lashes, meeting Castiel’s gaze once more. The warmth of his smile illuminated his handsome face and sent Castiel plunging straight from falling into hopelessly lost. Dean looked around the room and sighed. His eyes soon looked glassy and dark.

“It feels like I’ve been here forever.” His gaze scanned the little paper shapes, inexplicably drawn to the single white butterfly Castiel had placed in the collection of sculpted buds. “What does the butterfly mean?” Dean asked, delicately picking up the tiny origami creation from the many lotuses that now covered most of the surfaces in the room. Castiel didn’t answer. He couldn’t tell Dean why he made that for him. Not yet. Dean didn’t press for a reply. He examined it closely, gently running his fingers over the soft edges. “Beautiful.” He whispered, amazed at the complexity of it. Castiel dipped his head. “You made this… and all these flowers? For me?” Dean asked. Castiel nodded.

“It feels like a long time for me, too.” 

Dean whistled out a tight breath.

“Jesus, Cas. How long have I been like this?” Dean could see Castiel was trying to calculate it out in his head while he tapped his fingers on the bed.

“About six weeks, maybe longer.” He answered at last. Castiel was finding it increasingly difficult to stay calm. Conscious Dean was even more breathtaking than he ever imagined when he watched him sleep. Castiel wanted to pull him into a dangerous kiss and tell him how important Dean was to him. He wanted to hold him close to his body, bury his face in his hair and breathe him in. “How do you feel?” Came out instead. _Shit._ Castiel cursed himself for being so weak. Dean shrugged.

“Okay, I guess.” He didn’t understand why Castiel would even care how he was. He was only a patient, and a piss poor one at that. Castiel knew he was still staring when Dean sat up a bit straighter, shifting in the bed like he was in pain.

“Are you alright? Do you need anything?” Castiel was desperate to comfort him. Dean just laughed.

“No. I’m good, Cas. Thank you.” He added, but suddenly stalled. “Actually… could you call Sammy for me, please? I really wanna see him.”

_____

In less than an hour, Sam was back on the ward. He seemed flushed and slightly out of breath by the time he reached the nurses' station. Standing next to him was a small woman with golden hair rolling in soft waves down her shoulders. Her blue eyes were sparkling.

Sam saw Castiel standing in the doorway to Dean’s room. He had his back to him, but Sam could see from his movements and the tilt of his head he was talking to someone. _Dean_. Sam grinned, tugging at the woman’s arm to get her to follow him. Castiel heard Sam’s heavy footsteps behind him and turned to look over his shoulder, smiling in recognition when Sam came up the corridor. His eyes were wet with relief and joy.

“Hello, Sam.” Castiel offered warmly, moving aside to let Sam and his friend go through to see Dean. He watched them happily when Sam leaned forward, enveloping his brother in strong arms.

“Sammy.” Dean breathed out at last. “So glad to see you, man.” Sam laughed and slapped Dean on the back. Castiel imagined it was just his way of saying _I love you_. It made him smile. Dean pushed himself up to give the woman a tight hug when she leaned over his bed. “Hey, Jess.” Dean said. She planted a fond kiss on his cheek. Sam reached out to shake Castiel's hand again.

“Hi, Cas. This is my girlfriend, Jessica.” He gestured vaguely to where she was standing.

“Hello.” Castiel replied politely. She smiled kindly at him, taking his hand after Sam finally let him go.

“It’s very nice to meet you. The way Sam was going on and on, I expected you to have a halo.” Jess laughed. Castiel shuffled awkwardly, never one to take a compliment well.

“Nothing quite so inspiring, I’m afraid.” He replied, waggling the stethoscope hanging around his neck. He lifted it up to present it as evidence.

“So I see.” Jess teased, with a beam of delight. “Well, you must have done something right. Dean certainly looks to be on the mend. Don’t spoil him though, Cas. He’ll let you.” Castiel looked at Dean tenderly.

“I don’t mind. I don’t think I could ever say no to him, anyway.” Dean’s expression never changed, but there was a low edge to his voice.

“Have to make sure I take advantage of that, then.” Castiel’s cheeks turned pink. He held Dean's gaze.

“I don’t think you would have to try very hard.” Dean’s head dipped a little when he gave Castiel a shy smile. Jess looked between them, glancing at Sam with a knowing smirk playing on her lips. Sam was oblivious while Jess watched the silent exchange between the two men. Dean was looking up at Castiel from under seductive lashes while Castiel stared back with wide blue eyes, twisting his fingers in the hem of his shirt. She was pretty sure neither of them remembered anyone else was still in the room. Jess coughed and covered her mouth with one hand. Castiel suddenly blinked, backing up towards the door. “Be right back.” His voice seemed higher than usual when he hurried out the room. Jess laughed and playfully swatted Dean’s arm. He looked up at her in wounded surprise and rubbed at the skin.

“Dean Winchester! You were flirting.” Her smile was unnaturally predatory, like he was a new toy she could play with. Dean opened his mouth rather too wide.

“What? I was not.” He protested. Jessica gave him her special look.

“Oh, you _so_ were.”

Dean snapped his mouth shut and flushed all the way up to his ears.

_____

Dean was making exceptional progress. He spent most of the afternoon in the physiotherapy unit, trying to coax his wasted muscles into working again. He was slow to start, but raw determination seemed to spur him on. Castiel was waiting for him when they brought Dean back up to the ward. The early evening had set in. Castiel finished his shift an hour before, but didn't want to be anywhere else but by Dean's side. He picked up the paper butterfly he made, twirling it aimlessly through his fingers while he waited. Castiel gave him a smile that radiated pure joy as soon as he saw him. Dean got to thinking a lot about what Jess had implied, and he wasn’t really sure what to do with it.  

Castiel moved to one side to let the orderlies in, watching silently while they lifted Dean onto the bed and laid him down carefully. He looked so vulnerable. Castiel was desperate to ask Dean what the hell this actually was between them, but as usual he abandoned it in favour of fidgeting and making pointless remarks. He pushed the paper butterfly into his pocket to keep it safe.

“You're looking so much better."

“Yeah? Good. I feel much better.” Dean echoed. Castiel sat down on the very end of the bed and let his hands fall safely into his lap so he wasn’t tempted to reach forward.

“Dean.” Castiel began cautiously. “What are you going to do when you get out of here?” Dean looked up at him and sighed.

“I don’t know. I haven’t really thought about it much. I know I won’t be able to go back to work for a while.” Castiel nodded thoughtfully. The question he most wanted to ask was stuck in his throat. He was almost scared to ask it.

“Do you… have someone to go back to?” _Shit._ He said it.

Dean frowned.

“What do you mean?” He asked. Castiel shifted uncomfortably on the bed, making a point of staring out the window.

“Never mind. It’s none of my business, anyway.”

“Oh. You mean, am I with anyone?” Castiel bit into his lip but he didn’t answer. He felt stupid for even asking now. “No, Cas. I don’t have a - I’m not with anyone.”

Castiel could almost hear his heart beating. The room seemed to close in on him. He _had_ to do it now. Dean was going to leave one day soon and Castiel would hate himself forever if he let Dean slide through his hands because he was too shit scared to fight for something he really wanted. He took a deep breath and forced out the words through the tightness in his throat.

“I need to tell you something and I'm not really sure how you’re going to take it, so please just listen and let me get this out.” Dean’s expression was changing from curiosity to panic. He had an idea what Castiel was going to say and no clue how to deal with it. In his heart he knew he wanted to hear it, but in his head he denied it. Dean didn’t know it then, but he was just as scared as Castiel. Those green eyes were growing wide with fearful anticipation when he realized Castiel was staring at his mouth. Dean opened his own a couple of times but nothing came out. He shuffled restlessly under the sheets.

“Dammit, Cas. Just spit it out.” Castiel shut his eyes. He thought he was going to throw up.

“Dean. I care about you... very much.” Dean’s body tensed. “I think you know how much you mean to me. Whatever it was we shared when you were sleeping was something I've never felt before and I don’t want it to end. I can’t stand the thought of you leaving.” Castiel couldn’t look at him. “I want to be with you, Dean.” The last words were spoken in a whisper but there was so much emotion in them, Dean understood completely.

Castiel waited, wild erratic heartbeat hammering inside his chest. He dared a sideways glance at Dean’s face. His expression wasn't what Castiel expected. Dean was staring back, hard and unblinking with stern eyes. Fingers on both hands digging into the sheets beneath him.

_He's too good for me. I'll only disappoint him. He deserves so much better._

Castiel couldn't hear those thoughts in Dean’s mind. The perpetual self-condemnation that drenched his senses every time he looked at his reflection. Castiel jumped up and backed away, taking the silence as rejection. Mouth spilling short, dismayed gasps while he clutched at his tunic. Dean still hadn't said one word in response, and Castiel was fighting to stop himself from falling to the ground and sobbing. He longed to fade away.

_You don’t want me, Cas. I’m nothing._

Dean’s affirmation. Castiel looked at Dean one last time before turning to leave, holding on to the door frame to ground him.

“It’s okay.” Castiel lied, through the almost paralyzing constriction in his throat. “I didn’t expect you to feel the same, anyway. I’m sorry. I just wanted you to know.” Dean swallowed loudly, eyes never leaving Castiel’s face. Dean looked like he was going to say something, but all that followed was a terrible and confusing silence. Castiel closed his eyes again, releasing a heart-wrenching sigh before running away down the corridor. Dean seemed to be suddenly shaken from his daze and blinked. He tried to push himself up from the bed. 

“Cas, wait!” Dean yelled after him, but Castiel was almost at the exit. The world looked blurred and hazy when he reached the main entrance and stepped out into the cool night air. Castiel leaned back against the wall, trying to stop his heart from pounding, tears of humiliation falling. He thrust his hands into both pockets and felt a crumpled mass in one of them. He pulled it out. The once tidy edges of the little paper butterfly were now indistinct, tip of one delicate wing crushed and squashed in on itself. Castiel just looked at it before smoothing out the lines as best he could and placing it back inside his pocket with more care. Castiel folded, fragile as the paper butterfly. He wasn’t strong. He was defenseless and breakable, and Dean had just shown him how much it hurt to know it.

_____

Castiel decided he was going to walk home. He needed to feel the cold bite of evening air on his flushed skin. Desperate to lock his front door and go to bed so he could shut out the rest of the world. _Hiding._ He pushed the thought away quickly. He was mad with himself more than anything. He spent weeks believing in his stupid fantasy. _Why would Dean ever be interested in me?_ The little voice in his head just wouldn't be quiet. Castiel tried to stop emotions from leaking out his eyes. Dean always seemed to want him there but… _deluded._

“Shut up.” He reproached his own conscience, wrapping his jacket tightly around his body like a shield he could use to protect himself from his own treacherous thoughts. He made it home in less than twenty minutes and marched up the steps to his door, pushing the key in with unnecessary force before slamming it behind him. He dropped his coat and keys on the floor, not caring where they landed. Castiel thought, more than once, about grabbing the bottle of vodka he kept hidden on top of the kitchen cupboard for emotional emergencies but decided to go straight upstairs instead and try to calm down.

Castiel threw himself on the bed, burying his face in both hands with a muffled curse. He shifted restlessly on top of the sheets for a while, casting his eyes to the open window every once in a while. The darkness outside broken only by the pale glow of moonlight slipping through gaps in the blind. He couldn't sleep. Disjointed thoughts tormenting him with the last words he said to Dean. _Shit._ Castiel turned on to his back, pushing damp hair from his face. _How could he have misjudged something so badly?_ They had become so close. Dean must have known. Castiel had no idea what to do now. He had to go back to work tomorrow. Dean was still his patient, and he would have to tuck in his _fucking_ sheets and look straight into those _fucking_ beautiful green eyes. Pretend he hadn’t just had his heart ripped out and dragged over shards of broken glass.

He lay there for what seemed like forever, fixed in position while a thousand thoughts kept him awake. Castiel imagined he heard a faint knock on the front door and deliberately ignored it. The tapping came again, more insistent this time. Castiel cursed under his breath, throwing off the covers in annoyance even though sleep hadn't come. He pushed one hand through disheveled hair a couple of times in a pitiful attempt to look mildly presentable. Pulling on a shirt over the boxer shorts that didn’t even remotely match. Castiel stumbled down the stairs in the dark, sighing pointedly when he pulled the door open. He was far too upset to be sociable to anyone who was prepared to drag him out of bed in the middle of the night.

A faint sliver of lamplight flooded the hallway. Castiel peered out into the dark, gaze falling on a familiar silhouette. He could have sworn his entire central nervous system ceased to function when he blinked stupidly at Dean in confusion where he was standing in the doorway. Dean seemed agitated, entirely focused on Castiel’s face like he was frantically trying to memorize all his features while they just stared at each other. Castiel was torn between throwing the door open and slamming it in his face. He finally looked away.

“If you’ve come here to make sure I got the message, please don’t bother. I got it, Dean - loud and clear.”

Castiel waited for Dean to reply but there was nothing. Dean was leaning into him, breath hitching in fast bursts of air. His eyes were fixed on Castiel’s mouth, expression a strange contortion of frustration and something positively feral Castiel wasn’t sure he could identify. He started to back away, pulse shooting up again.

“Dean?” Castiel murmured.

In one single, impulsive moment Dean made the decision to kiss him. He grabbed for Castiel, holding him firmly by the shoulders and pushing him against the wall with a soft thud. Castiel felt the air rush out of his lungs when Dean’s slick mouth was pressed savagely against his own, too stunned to kiss back at first. He couldn’t breathe, whole body taken over by a searing heat that felt like it could devour him from the inside. Dean held him forcefully up against the wall, one hand snaking up Castiel’s spine. Dean pushed his fingers through the hair at the back of Castiel's head to fix him there so he couldn’t move his mouth away. Castiel didn't even have time to take a breath before Dean was recklessly pushing his tongue between Castiel's lips to force them apart. All the time making small humming sounds of pleasure while he pulled Castiel in. His other hand slipped around Castiel’s waist, grasping at his shirt in a desperate attempt to hold him close.

Castiel eventually pulled back, gaping at Dean in disbelief. Open mouth still shining with the wet slick of Dean’s kiss. The heat that tore through him when Dean moved their mouths together quickly spread to the rest of his body. Castiel felt a merciless twitch between his thighs.

“I can’t stop thinking about you.” Dean breathed the sentence like it personally offended him. Castiel searched his face. All he could see was a mixture of desire and resentment in one crushing expression. Dean still had his arm wrapped around Castiel’s back while they just stood in the hallway, holding on to each other. Dean soon submitted to the ache of want and moved in once more. Castiel thought he heard a muffled _fuck_ just before their lips met again.

Dean’s arm dropped down to grab a handful of ass. He pulled Castiel towards him, pushing his whole length along the line of the other man’s body until they were painfully close. Still fisting eager fingers into Castiel’s hair while he kissed him again. Castiel responded almost immediately this time, and they licked fiercely inside each other's mouths while Dean kneaded the muscle under his hand. Caressing the rise of Castiel’s ass through boxers that were quickly becoming too tight around the hard, desperate swell of an erection. Dean was relentless when he ran his tongue over Castiel's mouth, nipping lightly at the plump bottom lip before running his teeth down gently until he was moving over the stubble of Castiel’s jaw and nuzzling his face in the dip of his neck. Castiel tilted his head back so Dean had better access to his throat and let out a soft moan. Dean’s open mouth was still sucking intently at the sensitive skin of his shoulder.

Eventually Dean drew back, suddenly regaining control over his instincts. He took in a stuttering breath of fresh air when his gaze swept lustfully over Castiel’s body, eyes fixed on the front of damp boxer shorts. One side of his mouth curved up with satisfaction. Castiel was breathing heavily, irises blown out wide while he stared back.

“Hello, Dean.” 

“Hey.” Dean mumbled, both cheeks flushed pink. Dean shook his head with a small laugh, running trembling fingers through his hair. Castiel pulled away and gently closed the front door. When he turned back to Dean, he was twisting his hands together with anxiety.

“Come in.” Castiel stammered at last, mouth still tingling from the sensation of Dean’s lips. Castiel tugged down his shirt in an attempt to cover up his arousal. Dean nodded shyly before following Castiel into the living room. They sat down next to each other on the couch and smiled awkwardly before both looking down at the same time. Castiel coughed. “So, what are you doing out of hospital? How did you find me?” He asked the questions far too quickly. Dean lifted one leg under the other to try and stop his knees from shaking.

“I discharged myself, sneaked into the office and went through the staff records.” Dean admitted, looking like he just confessed to being a serial killer. “Sorry.” Castiel looked at him in astonishment.

“I’m not sure that was a good idea, Dean. You’re still really sick.” Dean just shook his head like there were much more important things to be dealing with right now. 

“I don’t know why I couldn’t say anything when you told me all that stuff. I panicked. I’m so sorry, Cas.” Dean looked like he really meant it, but Castiel wasn’t sure where it was heading yet so he kept quiet and let Dean talk. “I kinda guessed how much you liked me. I just didn’t know what I was supposed to do about it.” Dean edged a little closer and Castiel felt the heat rising again. He could almost feel Dean’s body warming him. “It was the damnedest thing. I couldn’t get you out of my head. Fuck, I don’t know. I just kept thinking about you.” Dean was struggling to explain. “Like how you made me feel when I was in the hospital. In my heart I knew I felt the same and it scared the shit out of me. It wasn’t something I ever expected to happen to me.” Dean took a deep breath. “That really doesn’t seem to matter anymore. I just like _you,_ I guess.” Castiel gave him a coy smile, but Dean didn’t wait for a reply. He had to get this out. “I never kissed a man before, Cas.” He murmured, rosy blush on his cheeks still faint in the soft light of the room. Dean stumbled over the next sentence. “I mean, it’s not like I haven’t thought about it. It just never happened.”

“Dean, you don’t have to explain.” Castiel murmured. Dean sat up and pulled Castiel's hands into his lap.

“No, I do. I want to.” He smiled, stroking the back of Castiel’s skin with one thumb. “But just don’t expect too much.” He laughed nervously when Castiel smiled back, watching the movement of Dean’s thumb while it caressed the back of his hand. 

“It’s okay, Dean… I’ve never been with anyone, not really.”

“Why not? Everything about you is beautiful. Your heart, your eyes. Even your soul, Cas. I felt it.” Castiel blinked when a shadow of doubt crossed his face.

“It is?” He asked in a whisper, voice wavering and uncertain. Dean nodded. There might have even been the faint hint of hopeful tenderness pulling at the very edge of his mouth.

“It is.” Dean opened his hand a little wider to thread their fingers together. He could feel Castiel tremble under the touch. Dean was pulling at hazy memories of watching his unconscious body lying on a cold bed. “You made me happy, Cas. I didn’t realize how much until you left like that. I got all your emotions, your thoughts, everything when I was sleeping.” His voice was calmer now. “God, I missed it. I just couldn’t understand why you thought I was worth so much trouble. I still don’t.”

 _How could you not? You’re wonderful._ Castiel didn’t say that out loud.

“No one ever cared about me like that. I’m sorry if I hurt you, I didn’t mean to.” Dean was way out of his comfort zone now, but still determined to get it all out. He almost lost Castiel once and wasn't going to make the same mistake again. Screw dancing on the line. He just walked blindly to the edge and threw himself over it. “Listen, I’m not really one for doing this whole dewy-eyed emotional crap. I don’t even really know what I’m trying to say… maybe that I like the way you accept me so completely. Like I’m worth something.” A strange and unfamiliar fluttering sensation was pulling at his chest. “I think I know now what it is you made me feel, and I want more of it. I want it all.” Dean whispered, tempting Castiel dangerously close. Castiel looked deep into Dean’s eyes, aching to be held again.

“Dean? Are you trying to tell me you might want to be with me, too?” Castiel asked breathlessly. He hardly dared believe it could be true. Dean huffed out a small laugh.

“Yeah, I think I do.” Castiel thought his heart was going to explode right there when he looked at the sincerity reflected in Dean’s eyes. He felt like crying. He opened his mouth to reply but could barely breathe, let alone talk. “Dammit, Cas. Say… something.” Castiel slowly looked up through dark lashes.

“My life changed forever when I met you, and now I can't think of anything else.” A flicker of expectation flashed across the green-tinted scrutiny that searched his face for something more. “I started falling the minute you came into that emergency room, Dean.” Castiel dared a small smile, mouth soft around the edges. “But I was completely lost the second you opened those eyes.”

_____

Dean sat motionless for a few minutes. Castiel could still feel the affectionate touch of Dean’s fingers while he caressed his hand. He wanted to stay like that forever. Castiel was barely keeping his emotions under control, struggling to accept his feelings were truly returned by such a beautiful soul.

“So, what happens now?” Dean asked at last. Castiel sighed happily and shrugged.

“I don’t know.” 

Dean nodded, rewarding Castiel with a patient smile.

“What do _you_ want, Cas?” 

Castiel leaned towards him.

“You, Dean. I want you.”

_Why do you always love with everything, Castiel? Why do you always love too much?_

He paused at the mournful echo of Lily's last words. Dean frowned.

“What’s the matter?” He asked gently. Castiel shook his head.

_I can’t do this. If I lose you, it will break me._

Castiel suddenly hesitated. Dean was everything he wanted. He was right there. Castiel just had to take it. He pulled his hand back, the sudden and unexpected fear of giving his heart away threatening to consume him.

“Cas?” Dean tried again, confused. Castiel was panicking.

“I don’t know if I can. I was thinking about my sister.” He continued quietly, voicing disjointed thoughts out loud. “I don’t think I ever expected to love anyone as much as I loved her.” Castiel looked pained at the memory. “It hurts so much to lose a love like that. I’m just scared.” He stifled a sob.

“Shh… hey, it’s okay.” Dean soothed him, reaching out to smooth down the short hair at the base of Castiel's neck. Entranced by the way it moved under his touch. “Shh, baby. Come on.” Castiel felt himself melt inside. The sound of that word sending a spirited curl of warmth spiralling up through his body.

“Dean.” Castiel whispered cautiously. He opened his mouth, but Dean stayed the words before they could fall from his lips. Running a trembling finger across the perfect surface. Dean could feel warm breath caress the tips of his fingers where they hovered over Castiel’s mouth. He stroked the curve of Castiel’s lips with a wet fingertip before moving his palm down the coarse hair that darkened his jawline. Dean cradled his face in one hand.

_Protect your heart, Castiel._

The last remnant of all logical thought faded away in that one moment. Dean gently tugged him closer and Castiel closed his eyes in willing submission before Dean’s mouth even covered his own. They kissed again. Castiel gave it freely now, his heart already lost to Dean a long time before that.

_____

Castiel eventually started to touch back, his body desperate for Dean’s hands to be on him. He wanted them everywhere at once, caressing and stroking the longing that burned under his skin every time Dean moved against him. Castiel knew he was making frantic, needy sounds in the back of his throat but he didn’t care. Dean moved to sit behind him, pulling Castiel between his thighs so he could powder chaste kisses along the line of Castiel’s back. Soft breaths and vibrations of pleasure making Castiel want to submit completely. He would have given Dean anything he asked for. The little voice of conscience knew Dean should still be in the hospital. He was too sick to be making out, but Castiel wanted it so much. Dean’s wet mouth teasing and brushing over his skin like a wildfire.

Castiel murmured Dean’s name when he bent him forward to plant the kisses lower. Dean gently hitched up Castiel's shirt, slipping his palm underneath and tracing his fingers up the curve of Castiel’s spine. Licking his way up the back of Castiel's neck and across the line of his ear. Castiel gasped when Dean nipped at the sensitive skin before taking the soft lobe inside his mouth. Castiel felt himself lean into Dean, back pressed up against the other man’s chest. Dean took the opportunity to reach down across the soft hair of Castiel's stomach, daring to push his hand lower until it was resting on the top of his shorts. Dean dipped the end of one finger lightly under the band and slowly moved it in small circles to rub at the skin just above Castiel’s dick.

It was too much. Castiel pulled away from Dean’s arms and swung himself round to face him. Dean didn’t have enough time to even take a breath when Castiel threw his body against Dean, roughly grabbing either side of his jaw between his hands. Castiel knocked him backwards with the force of a passionate kiss against his lips. Dean recovered quickly and leaned into it, pulling at Castiel’s hair while he violated the inside of his mouth with the dirty push of a searching tongue. Castiel straddled Dean’s lap, mouths still fixed together. He could feel the hard press of Dean’s length underneath him when he moved his hips forward, whimpering into Dean’s mouth at the thought of touching it and feeling Dean’s naked skin against his own. Castiel could feel his cock jerk upwards in response, a spurt of pre-come leaking out and soaking the front of his shorts. They hadn't spoken a word the whole time they were fumbling for each other save for a few breathless whispers and panting gasps of passion. Dean eventually eased Castiel back.

“Cas.” Dean muttered tenderly, stroking the back of one finger across Castiel’s cheekbone and down into his mouth. “We need to stop. I won’t be able to control myself much longer if you keep rubbing on me like that, and I don’t wanna disappoint you. I got to do this properly.” Castiel didn’t seem to be listening. He licked at the fingertip when Dean ran it across his lip before sucking it into his mouth. Dean watched the movement with a slack jaw while his eyes glazed over, brimming with lustful intent. He watched his finger slide in and out, completely transfixed. Dean suddenly shook his head like a spell had been broken, pulling out of Castiel’s mouth with a soft pop. “Cas.” He repeated. “Please.”

Castiel frowned at the loss and sat up again. He could still feel Dean’s cock throbbing heavily beneath him. Castiel didn’t really want to move, but Dean looked like he was about to burst, so he just smiled warmly and swung his legs back round. Castiel settled himself against the other man’s side and curled around him. Dean sighed gratefully, draping his arm around Castiel’s shoulders. He kissed the top of his head and pulled Castiel close in a gentle embrace.

_____

Soundtrack Chapter 3: [**You Do Something To Me** (Paul Weller)](http://www.loudtronix.co/listenYT.php?name=YOU+DO+SOMETHING+TO+ME...lyrics&show=true&url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2L6HIm_sSQo)


	4. A Beautiful Lie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean is forced to face a harsh truth about his medical condition. Castiel abandons all sense of logic and trusts in his heart. Inviting Dean into his home so he can look after him. Dean soon realizes the emotional attachment he has with Castiel goes much deeper than he thought.

Chapter 4     **A Beautiful Lie**

Castiel woke up to cold emptiness in the space where Dean should be. He sat up quickly when he realized he was alone, rubbing the sleep from his eyes with the back of one hand. He stretched out lazily, bending his arms behind him. Castiel pulled out the kinks in his muscles from the unnatural sleeping position dictated by the awkward angles of a couch.

 _Was it a dream?_ Castiel wasn't sure until he saw the folded piece of paper left by the fading picture of Lily. Dean hadn’t asked about her at all last night, even though her photograph was the centre point of the room. Castiel wondered if he chose to put it there deliberately and made a mental note to ask him later. Castiel squinted when he tried to read the message from Dean. Scrawled in a childish script, and all in capital letters. He picked it up, scanning the words quickly.

 

CAS

SORRY I HAD TO GO - SAMMY TEXTED ME

HE WAS PISSED AT ME FOR LEAVING THE HOSPITAL

JUST GOING BACK TO GET THE ONCE OVER SO HE STOPS BITCHING AT ME

DIDN’T WANT TO WAKE YOU

SEE YOU AGAIN LATER?

 

P.S. YOU LOOK REALLY CUTE WHEN YOU’RE ASLEEP   :)

DEAN

 

Castiel smiled at the post script and held the paper close to his chest, carrying it through to the kitchen with him while he put on a fresh pot of coffee. Every thought consumed by memories of Dean’s hungry mouth, and the fervent kisses that were responsible for swollen and sensitive lips. They were still tingling when he woke up that morning. Castiel leaned back against the counter and sighed happily.

_____

Sam was propped up against the car with both arms folded across his chest, restlessly tapping one foot on the ground and staring at his brother with disapproval. Dean groaned quietly while he walked towards him. Putting his hands up in surrender before Sam had the chance to shoot him down.

“I know, I know.” Dean apologized. “I’m an idiot. Go on, say it. Get it over with so I can stop feeling guilty for not letting you know I was out.” Sam now looked disappointed and hurt, best puppy eyes unbearably torturous. Dean would much rather he just hit him with a tyre iron.

“Dean, I nearly had a heart attack when I came to see you this morning. Your bed was empty. I thought you were fucking dead.” 

Dean flinched.

“Sorry, Sammy. I’m okay though, right?” Dean knocked Sam’s elbow, trying a tentative smile. 

“Yeah. Yeah, I guess.” Sam admitted. “So, where were you all night?” It was the last thing Dean expected and he froze. He couldn’t lie. Sam would know and he already pissed him off enough for one morning. Dean pulled his bottom lip between his teeth while he stared at the ground.

“Cas.” Dean said quietly. “I was with Cas.” Sam jerked his head to one side.

“What do you mean, you were with Cas?” Sam’s mouth dropped open with a dawning realization. “You mean, you spent the _whole_ night with him?” Sam gaped. For someone with an LSAT of 174 he seemed to be unnaturally slow this morning. Dean sighed.

“It’s not what you think. I fell asleep on his couch. I didn’t sleep _with_ him.” Sam looked at Dean a little longer than necessary before he unfolded his arms.

“Well, that would be none of my business anyway, now would it?” Sam replied. Dean knew he understood.

“Thanks, Sammy.” He smiled. It was all he could find to say.

“Hmm.” Sam added thoughtfully. “Jess said he liked you.” Dean could feel himself colour up as they walked up the hospital steps together in silence.

_____

Dean didn’t really know why he agreed to go back to hospital, except to stop Sam from sulking. He felt fine. Cas said he looked fine. Even Jess was amazed at the speed of his recovery. Dean was always an advocate of the _ignorance is bliss_ philosophy. He moaned and complained about everything from the second he was booked in. Sam humoured him for the first hour but then he got fed up and decided he needed to check out the vending machines.

Dean knew Cas was due in later for his shift. It kept playing on a loop in the back of his head and made his stomach flutter. In all their time together they never even exchanged numbers. They hadn’t really needed to. Dean hadn’t been going anywhere for a while and Castiel was always right there with him. Dean needed that contact now so badly it scared him shitless. Co-dependent relationships never ended well. He kept watching the clock, checking his reflection every so often in one of the windows. He tousled the front of his hair a couple of times, busy teasing up the longer section at the front when Sam walked back through reception. Dean didn't see the smug grin when Sam realized he just discovered a new form of entertainment.

Dean paced impatiently for the best part of another hour while he waited for one of the consultants. A cardiologist in this case, apparently. Eventually he was called through, and Sam blindly followed him. Dean wanted him there anyway so it didn’t really matter. Sam had become pretty good at reading his brother lately. Inside the room Dean could see medical photographs, ECG charts and X-rays pinned up crudely on the wall opposite. He scanned them in silence.

“Those mine?” Dean asked bluntly. The doctor nodded.

“Take a seat please, Mr. Winchester. We need to talk.” Dean felt a stab of anxiety rush through him. Sam was studying the images with concern while Dean sat down quietly after the doctor waved a pen at him. “May I ask why you decided to discharge yourself yesterday?” He demanded.

 _I needed to go make out with one of your male nurses_ didn’t really seem like the right thing to say.

“I honestly thought I was fully recovered.” Dean lied, adding a winning smile he usually saved for special occasions. “I was feeling much better so I just wanted to go home and rest.” The doctor looked serious.

 _Credit to him._ Dean thought later. He managed to hold eye contact while handing out my death sentence.

_____

Castiel was dutifully arranging some roses at the nurses' station when Dean and Sam walked through the doors at the end of the corridor. His smile dropped when he saw the expression on Dean’s face. A single bud fell through his fingers. Sam’s eyes were rimmed with a red line. He wiped the back of his hand across the bottom of his nose. Castiel's hands started shaking so he put down the rest of the stems and walked hesitantly towards them, voice caught behind the knot of fear in his throat when he stared into Dean’s eyes.

“What is it? What’s the matter?” 

Dean didn’t look up.

“Cas, it’s not real good.” Dean was pale, and kept staring at the floor. Castiel looked at Sam hopefully but he just shook his head and turned away. Sam's mouth was set in a tight line, and Castiel could see how much it was trembling in a vain attempt to stop his tears. Castiel grabbed frantically for Dean’s arm, quickly dragging him away from his brother. He enveloped Dean in his arms, not caring who was watching. Dean didn’t pull away. Castiel moved closer and touched their foreheads together.

“Dean.” Castiel pleaded. “Tell me what’s wrong. You’re scaring me.” Dean blinked, green eyes full of emotion.

“He said my heart is failing.” Dean whispered at last. He suddenly looked so young and vulnerable. Castiel pulled him into another embrace, his own eyes misting over. “I never had a chance, Cas.” Dean stuttered, tears falling like heavy drops of rain. They spilled from Dean's eyes and cascaded down both cheeks. Castiel stared at him in disbelief.

“No, it’s not true.” He murmured. “Dean, you came through this already. No.” Sam was watching them closely while Castiel held on to Dean. He never realized until that moment how important they had become to each other. Sam slowly walked over and took Dean’s arm.

“Come on.” He encouraged gently. “Let’s go and talk about this somewhere else.” Dean nodded, wiping one hand down his face. They slipped into a side room and closed the door behind them. Dean never said another word, just dropped into a chair. Castiel was looking to Sam for answers.

“What happened?” He managed eventually. Sam dared a sideways glance at his brother.

“The doctor thinks Dean’s heart was damaged when he almost drowned. He took in so much water, Cas.” Sam added quietly.

“He called it ventricle - something.” Dean muttered. Castiel squinted at him before turning back to Sam.

“Damaged, how?” Castiel knew his voice was breaking. He forced the words out, his own heart beating horribly fast. Dean walked over to the window, staring up at the sky through the glass for a minute before he said anything. He thrust both hands deep into his pockets.

“It’s fine. I just need to be careful, is all.” Castiel looked to Sam for confirmation. He just frowned and shook his head.

“Exactly.” Sam lied. “You’ll be okay.” Dean moved back, perching on the arm of Sam’s chair. He looked really serious.

“If I’m not.” Dean began weakly. Sam started to protest, but Dean put a hand up to stop him. “I mean it, Sam. You don’t know. If I’m not okay. If I - ” He couldn’t even force himself to say the word. “I want you to promise you’ll move on and not fucking mope over me.” Castiel was watching them with sad eyes. He couldn't bear to think about something so heartbreaking.

“Dean.” Sam warned. He didn’t want to have that conversation either. Dean gave him a few seconds, but Sam still didn’t answer. Castiel jumped when Dean slammed his fist down hard.

“Dammit, Sam. I mean it. Promise me. Right now in front of Cas, say it.” Sam was breathing heavily through his nose.

“Fine.” He hissed. “I promise. I’m going for a walk.” Sam said quietly, leaving without looking back. Dean’s expression changed again when Castiel caught his eye. He didn’t even look sad anymore when he moved a little closer. Castiel suddenly felt very shy and averted his eyes. He knew Dean was staring at him.

“You know what, Cas?” Dean said seductively, leaning in towards Castiel’s body. “If my number’s up then so be it, but tell you what. I’m gonna make the most of every minute I got left.” Castiel could feel Dean reach for his hand, grabbing it to pull him closer. Dean cradled Castiel's hip with one hand, and drew him in. Castiel could feel Dean’s breath on his cheek when he nuzzled the side of his face. “Starting with you.” He whispered, skimming warm fingertips under the hem of Castiel's tunic and dragging them lightly across his back.

“Come home with me, Dean.” Castiel moaned, desire coursing through his blood. “Stay with me.” Dean’s fingers stopped moving.

“Do you mean it?” His voice was soft and quiet, suddenly sounding desperate and unassured. Castiel caressed the side of Dean’s face, holding one palm against his jaw and stroking the skin with his thumb.

“With everything.” Castiel tilted his head to press a delicate kiss to Dean's lips. Dean inhaled a shaky breath while he lost himself in the blue of Castiel’s eyes.

_____

Sam and Jess were waiting outside the house when Dean and Castiel arrived. Dean waved nervously at them before opening the car door. Castiel held him back for a second to give him a comforting smile.

“Everything's going to be fine, Dean. They'll understand.” Dean swallowed hard. Castiel always seemed to know what he was thinking. He just nodded. Castiel got out the other side and walked over to where the couple were standing, hand in hand. Jess pulled away and ran forward, throwing her arms around Castiel.

“Thank you.” She whispered in his ear, obviously not meant for Dean to hear. Castiel wrapped one arm around her waist when she hugged him as tight as she could.

“For what?” He muttered in surprise. She finally released him. “We’ll talk later.” Jess promised.

“Okay.” Castiel fished the door key out of his pocket and let them in. “Just going to fetch the rest.” He ran back to the road and almost bumped into Dean. Castiel squeezed his hand when he leaned towards him. Dean couldn’t find a damn thing to say that would ever be enough to show Castiel how much he appreciated everything he'd done for him. How much he needed him.

Castiel unpacked quickly with a little help from Jess. She ushered Dean and Sam into the other room on the pretense they were just in the way. She closed the door behind them to the muffled sounds of Sam’s indignant protests. Castiel stopped what he was doing, turning to see Jess fold her arms and lean her back up against the door. She had a strange expression on her face while she watched Castiel from the other side of the room. He wasn’t sure if he was due for a lecture or another hug.

“Cas, I wanted to thank you properly.” 

Castiel frowned.

“You don’t need to thank - ” He didn’t finish the sentence. Jess interrupted him too quickly.

“And to tell you something, it’s important.” _Here it comes._ Castiel thought, resigning himself to an inevitable interrogation. Jess laughed. “Don’t worry, it’s not gonna hurt.” Her mouth broke into a wide smile. “I’m not here to judge you.” Her face grew softer, voice low and soothing. “First, I want to thank you for looking after Dean so well. He looks happy.” Jess hesitated. “Well, as happy as he can be after the news he got earlier.” Castiel was trying not to think about that. “Dean hasn’t had the easiest life. I’m sure there’s a lot he hasn’t told you. Maybe that will come with time.” Jess touched Castiel’s hand affectionately. “He really likes you, you know. He doesn’t show his emotions well. It’s kind of like a defense mechanism for him, I think.” She mused. Castiel was listening intently while her hand still rested over the top of his. “I’m not really sure what’s going on between you two, but if you truly care for him, when he can trust you completely.” Jess wrapped her hand around his fingers. “He’ll love you with everything.”

Castiel gave a little laugh.

“What?” Jess gave him a curious smile.

“My sister used to say the same about me.” 

“I know Dean, and I know he’s scared, Cas. He'll pretend he’s not and act like a complete ass sometimes but he has so much to give, you don’t even know.” Jess seemed lost in thought for a moment. “Just try not to break his heart.”

_Actually, I was more worried he might break mine._

Dean walked in just when they fell silent. He smiled shyly at Castiel, walking over to stand beside him. There was something new and unexpected shining through his eyes.

“Hey.” He murmured softly. “You both done talking about me?” Jess tapped Dean on the arm.

“Don’t flatter yourself, Winchester.” Jess laughed. “We were just discussing the weather, actually.” She grinned at him.

“I’m sure.” Dean turned back to Castiel, playfully nudging his shoulder. “Don’t believe anything she says.” He whispered.

“I can’t imagine there's anything she could say that would make me like you any less.” Castiel answered tenderly. Dean blushed when his eyes flicked back to Jess. She was trying not to smile.

_____

Sam and Jess left just after dinner. Castiel seemed very comfortable in their company and they certainly made an effort to show how happy they were Dean finally found someone who cared about him so much. Dean was lying back on the couch, both feet dangling over the edge when Castiel came back in. Dean patted the seat next to him. Castiel was happy to indulge him, slotting himself in the small space and resting his head on Dean's chest. He could hear a heartbeat through his shirt.

“Cas?”

“Hmm?”

“You don’t think this is too soon, do you?” Dean asked cautiously. Castiel tensed.

“No, do you?” 

Dean hesitated.

“I meant for you, not me.” 

Castiel relaxed again, relief flooding through him.

“Dean.” He said seriously. “If I didn’t want you here, I wouldn’t have suggested it.” Dean shifted slightly, tentatively wrapping one arm around Castiel’s shoulders.

“I thought maybe you just felt sorry for me. I don’t want pity, Cas.” Dean’s voice hitched, like he didn’t really want Castiel to respond to that. Especially if it was true. Castiel pushed himself up on his elbows using Dean’s body as leverage. He looked straight into his eyes.

“Don’t you ever think that.” Castiel replied. Dean looked at his hands, stumbling to apologize.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean - ” Dean didn’t get chance to explain. Castiel propped himself up and straddled Dean’s lap, holding his face firmly between both hands so Dean was forced to look at him.

“Now you listen to me, Winchester.” Castiel said, with so much passion Dean just gaped stupidly at him. He leaned in dangerously close. Dean could almost taste Castiel on his lips when he opened his mouth. “I asked you to stay here because I wanted it. More than anything, I want you. You're the most beautiful man I've ever seen, and I don’t want to spend another second without you. I want to care for you, Dean. I always have. I'm desperately, completely and hopelessly in love with you, and I can’t imagine my life without you in it.”

Castiel glared at Dean without blinking, chest heaving with short gasps of breath. They just stared at each other before Dean was suddenly reaching up for Castiel, slamming their lips together with frantic wet kisses that swallowed up all the reckless moans of desire. Dean spun Castiel on to his back, but it was so forceful they rolled off the couch and hit the floor with their mouths still fixed together. Dean landed on top of Castiel and held him down.

Castiel squirmed beneath him, deliberately pushing his hips up so Dean could feel the hard press of his erection. Grabbing handfuls of shirt in an attempt to pull him down and grind against him. Dean was panting between lustful whispers of _fuck, Cas_ and _want you… want you so bad_. Castiel whimpered when Dean pushed up his shirt to suck dirty open-mouthed kisses along his stomach. Dean pushed the shirt up higher until it rucked up under his arms and Castiel was forced to shed it. Dean held him fast while he fumbled to undo Castiel's belt, pulling it through the loops and throwing it aside. Dean dipped his fingers inside the edge and hauled him closer. Castiel’s eyes were wide with longing.

Dean peeled off his own shirt, and dragged Castiel between his thighs. His hair was all messed up, lips shining with the slick of his own tongue where he licked at the edges of his mouth. Dean had broken him apart. Both cheeks were flushed, the clear blue of his eyes radiating out around full black irises. Dean just gazed at him, gently rubbing his thumb across one cheekbone.

“Fucking gorgeous you are, Cas. You know that?” Dean didn’t wait for an answer, leaning in to kiss him again. This time it was soft and worshipful. Castiel was looking up through long dark lashes when Dean suddenly pulled away. His eyes were shining, blinking hard. He was crying.

“Oh, Dean.” Castiel breathed, a rush of emotions flowing through him. He put his arms around Dean’s trembling shoulders and held him close while he sobbed into the dip of Castiel’s neck. “What’s wrong?” Castiel asked gently. Dean wiped his face, shaking his head with a nervous laugh.

“Look at me. Fucks sake, I'm such a girl.” Castiel wiped the last trace of tears from Dean's skin with an affectionate sweep of his thumb.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Dean. You are allowed to feel, you know.” Dean took hold of Castiel’s arms where they were still suspended over his shoulders.

“Cas, I don’t want this to end.” Dean sighed, almost like he was thinking out loud. Castiel frowned.

“What? Why would you think that?” Dean couldn’t look at him, head dipped low while he mumbled the words between them.

“'Cause I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve you. You’re too good for me, and one day soon you’re gonna wake up and realize that.” Castiel ran his fingers lovingly through Dean's hair. He leaned into the touch and closed his eyes.

“Hey.” Castiel encouraged. “Look at me.” Dean’s eyes flicked up briefly, just long enough for Castiel to see a flash of green. “Dean, look at me.” Castiel insisted. Dean reluctantly lifted his head again. “I just told you how much you mean to me. This has been a hard day for you, I understand.” Dean covered Castiel’s hand where it was playing through his hair.

“But I don’t cry, Cas. I don’t.”

“Well, apparently you do.” Castiel smiled gently, curling one finger over Dean’s hand. “Hush. I’m scared too.” Castiel admitted, while he cradled him. “I haven’t done this before and I don’t want to disappoint you.”

“Yeah, and I just totally cock-blocked myself.” Dean forced a laugh.

“We have all the time we need. We don’t have to rush that.” Castiel stroked Dean's face, running both palms down Dean's chest. Only stopping when they reached the top of his jeans. “Even though you make me want to lose myself in you. You don’t know what you do to me.” Castiel whispered softly. Dean was staring at his mouth again when Castiel ran his tongue across his bottom lip. “I want to be with you, and that’s not going to change. I’m not going anywhere. I’m here. I’m here, Dean.”

_____

Castiel had been in the shower a while. Dean was acquainting himself with the house and all the little things that made it home. He was flicking through a photograph album lying on the counter when he heard a door open. A trace of steam drifted through the hallway so he put it down carefully and poured out a cup of black coffee. Dean moved to the bottom of the stairs so he could shout up to Castiel.

“Cas? You decent?” He tried.

There was a muffled confirmation so Dean started to climb the stairs, holding the steaming mug in both hands. He was only half way up when he saw Castiel come out the bedroom and walk across the landing. His skin was still wet. Dean watched him push the dark hair away from his face while water dripped down the back of his neck and spread across his shoulders. He was naked apart from a soft blue towel wrapped low on his hips. Dean could see the jut of his hipbones just above the edge where one end was tucked through the other to secure it around his body. Dean couldn't help but stare. Castiel's muscles were perfectly toned under the pale skin. Dean felt a sudden rush of longing. He wanted to touch every part of him. Dean took another step and a creaking board gave him away. Castiel turned in surprise, and Dean blushed.

 _Nope. He definitely hadn't been checking Cas out when he wasn’t looking._

Castiel didn't seem to mind that Dean was watching him.

“That for me?” Castiel tilted his head towards the cup. Dean nodded and cleared the last few steps, carefully passing it to Castiel. “Thanks.” He smiled. Dean was standing rigid in front of him, fingers still open where they'd been wrapped around the mug. His eyes trailed down Castiel’s chest until he was staring at the section of towel where it was threaded together. “See anything you like?” Castiel laughed. He watched Dean’s eyes flick over him.

“Uh-huh.”

Castiel moved in quickly, taking hold of Dean’s hand and coaxing it lower to rest on his stomach. Dean looped his fingers over and rubbed their tips through the dark hair just under the hem. Dean felt the material jerk forward when Castiel’s dick responded to his touch. Castiel heard a low growl of arousal when Dean yanked him forward, dipping his head to suck at Castiel’s neck with a wet mouth. Light drag of his teeth becoming more forceful with every moan he drew from those plump lips. Castiel could feel the cup shaking in his hand, drops of coffee splashing over the side and burning his fingers. He flinched with the sudden sting. Dean’s demanding mouth was bruising his skin, lips still searching for possession of Castiel’s throat.

“Dean.” Castiel was trying to steady his hand. “Stop... stop a minute, please.” Dean reluctantly pulled his mouth away. His lips were pink and swollen, shining with spit.

“Shit, sorry.” Dean murmured in a daze, quickly taking the cup and setting it down before turning back to Castiel. Dean lifted Castiel's hand to his mouth to kiss the damaged skin. “I got a bit carried away. Sorry.” Dean looked a little guilty. “You alright?” Castiel nodded. He was aching for Dean to kiss him again. His cock was hard and leaking under the towel, but his fingers were sore and the pain was distracting. He moved into the bathroom to run them under cold water. Dean cursed himself in his head, biting at his cheek. “I’m just gonna wait downstairs for you.” He muttered under his breath, quickly descending the steps two at a time.

_____

Castiel soon swapped the towel for grey sweatpants. He came into the living room to find Dean sprawled flat on his stomach, flicking through the photographs again. Castiel sat on the floor next to him, curling his arm around Dean’s ass. He slipped his fingers under the edge of Dean’s shirt so he could stroke his back. Castiel peered over Dean's shoulder, looking at the pictures while he turned the pages.

“Tell me about Lily.” Dean said suddenly, stopping on the picture of a child with shining blue eyes and long glossy hair. She was wearing a white summer dress with a satin sash wrapped around her middle. It was one of those terrible studio photographs made to look like the subject is sitting in a garden, but this one was crudely posed and had one faded edge where it wasn't developed properly. Castiel loved it anyway. Dean twisted his head to look over his shoulder. “This is her, isn’t it?” He didn’t wait for a reply. “She looks just like you, Cas.” Dean felt a wave of sympathy when he saw the sadness in Castiel's eyes. “But you’re prettier.” He winked. It earned him a small smile. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

“I don’t know.” Castiel answered. “I haven’t really spoken about her much since she died.”

“Maybe you should.” Dean encouraged. “I’m a good listener.”

“I don’t doubt it. It’s not because I don’t want to. I just get so angry about it.” Castiel looked at Dean like he wasn't sure he should say anything else. “She committed suicide.” He added quietly. Dean watched his face crumple, like the memory had somehow transported him back fifteen years.

“I’m sorry, Cas. That’s rough. Why does it make you angry?” Dean could see Castiel was getting upset.

“Because I could have stopped her. I _should_ have stopped her.” 

“Hey, it wasn’t your fault.” Dean soothed. Castiel didn’t say anything while he watched the gentle movement of Dean’s fingers dance over his skin. It was very seductive, and Castiel shuddered under the touch when Dean’s hand moved up his body.

“Dean.” Castiel said softly. “I knew how bad it was, but I pretended everything was alright. She was so young. I just couldn’t understand how anyone could do that. How someone who had barely begun to live could be so tired of life.” Dean was staring up at him.

“I couldn’t stand the thought of losing Sammy.”

“I know, I never got over it. I think that’s the reason I never got involved with anyone. I wanted to save myself the pain of losing them.”

“Why did you get involved with me, then?” Dean asked. Castiel smiled at him.

“You’re different.”

“I am?” Dean tilted his head to one side, a gesture he picked up from Castiel without even realizing it. Castiel nodded. Dean edged forward, spreading one palm across the top of Castiel’s thigh. “So you’ve never done _this_ before, then?” He murmured, pushing Castiel down until he was lying on his back. Castiel felt like his mouth suddenly felt too dry when Dean breathed a small laugh next to his cheek. Dean lowered his head, rubbing his nose against Castiel’s neck. “Neither have I.” He whispered. 

“What?” Castiel gave Dean a sharp look. “Yes you have."

“Not with a dude.” Dean answered quickly. “So what did you mean earlier, when you said not really?”

“About being with someone?” 

"Yeah." 

Castiel shrugged like it wasn’t really that important. 

“I kissed a couple of guys when I was younger. Still figuring out if I really did only like boys. I almost got caught giving a blow job to one of the jocks on the football team. My father came home early from work and kicked him out the house.” Castiel winced at the memory. “It scared me so bad I avoided everyone for a while. He died the year after. Then Lily started getting depressed, so I spent a lot of time with her.” Castiel leaned in close again, settling his head on Dean's shoulder. “Lot of good that did.” He added bitterly. “After her death, I didn’t even want to go outside. Then I didn’t want to be with anyone because I couldn't stand to feel pain like that ever again.” Castiel took a deep breath, not used to talking about himself so much. “So, yeah.” He sighed. “Not really.” Dean wasn’t sure what to say.

“Shit.” He muttered eventually. “I guess that covers most of it.” He could feel Castiel nod against his shoulder. “Is it wrong of me to be glad you weren’t snatched away by your handsome prince, already?” Dean teased.

“Not at all.” Castiel laughed. “I’m happy, Dean. I want you to be my first.” He suddenly felt an unexpected pang of jealousy twist inside him. It caught him off-guard, and he wasn’t sure what to do with it. “Even though I can never be yours.” The way he said it made Dean sit up. He could only see Castiel's profile, mouth set in a fixed line. Dean cocked his head.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” He asked, searching Castiel’s tight expression.

“Nothing, sorry. I was being stupid. I can’t expect you not to have been with someone else.” 

Dean smiled and pulled Castiel close.

“Hey. I can’t change it, Cas. I wish I could. If it means anything at all, I was never in love with any of them.” Castiel stared into Dean’s eyes, reaching up to touch his face again. 

“Sorry. I was being childish. I suppose I just want you all to myself.”

“You won’t have to share me, don’t worry.” Castiel felt the horrible sick feeling in his stomach start to subside. “Besides, you’re the first guy I’ve been with, no matter how much I’ve fantasized about it.” Dean laughed, blushing a little when he admitted there were men he was attracted to over the years.

“Thanks.”

“So, there you go.” Dean snuggled his cheek against him. “First, last and forever, Cas.” 

Castiel's heart looped strands of hope through his chest.

“You shouldn’t make promises you can’t keep.” 

Dean huffed a breath that vibrated through Castiel's hair and made him tremble.

“I might not have much to give, but I am loyal. I intend to keep that one.”

_____

They spent most of the evening stroking and caressing each other’s skin with gentle, loving touches. Castiel told Dean about his relationship with his father and how he only dared to embrace his sexuality after he died. _Heart attack. Atherosclerosis. Age 52._ Castiel shared the information like his dad was just a statistic on a coronary disease poll. Dean figured there was no love lost between the two men. Novak senior had been an unbearable tyrant as far as he could make out. An unshakable homophobe with an old school philosophy of actually beating sense into those poor misguided souls who had gone so far off the reservation they considered it acceptable to put someone else’s dick in their mouth.

Castiel spoke fondly of his mother though. He seemed more hurt than angry she failed to support his life choices. His three brothers were older. Castiel was the youngest of the boys and seemed to have been doted on until they lost their father and sister. Castiel convinced himself over the years their estrangement developed from personal loss, rather than his admission during that fateful evening so many years before. Castiel told his still grieving mother he wanted to break away from the family business and devote his life to helping others. He finally blurted out _the other news_ when they were pestering him to get married so he could start producing little Novaks.

 _It’s never going to happen. I don’t like girls, and I never have. So please stop asking me about it._

That was the sentence that changed the relationship with his family forever. He remembered the stunned silence that followed his confession. His mother never even looked up from her plate, and Michael had glared at him with something Castiel would never forget. Revulsion. The eldest son had long since been indoctrinated into the unspoken law of intolerance that sustained their father throughout the years. Michael left the room without another word. Lily had squeezed his hand under the table.

Dean was watching him patiently.

“I’m sorry you had to deal with that.” Dean said, at last. “That sucks.”

“I guess.” Castiel was trying to pretend the memory didn't affect him quite as much as it did. “Anyway.” He sighed. “What about you? Why did you really jump into that lake?” Dean looked up in confusion.

“You know why.” 

Castiel gently touched his arm.

“That’s not what I mean. You didn’t hesitate. I know you were trying to save that boy and I think it’s commendable, I really do.” Dean picked up on his hesitation.

“But?”

“But, it seems you were almost too ready to throw your life away.” Dean's shoulders dropped. Castiel was always far too perceptive for his own good.

“Yeah, well.” Dean replied. He saw no point in trying to deny it, and he didn’t want to lie to Castiel. “I don’t know. Just seemed like the right thing to do, I suppose. I’ve never given a shit about what happens to me.”

“Why not?”

“Dunno. Never really thought about it. Sammy was always my priority. So long as he was okay that was all that mattered. Now you matter, too.” Dean added.

“Dean, I'm happy just to be with you. That’s enough for me.”

Dean’s expression never faltered.

“Okay.” He stuttered, finding that very hard to process.

  

They stayed in a gentle embrace for close to an hour in contented silence. Castiel was draped over Dean’s body, head on his chest and one arm circling his waist. Stroking his fingers just under his t-shirt. Dean only shifted when he felt a building numbness from the weight of two legs wrapped around his own. Castiel stretched out sleepily, making a startled noise at the back of his throat.

“Sorry.” Dean whispered into his hair. “My legs are falling asleep.” Castiel sat up and untangled them.

“I think we should get some rest now anyway. It’s been a long day.”

Castiel pushed himself up from the couch, careful not to press too hard on Dean's chest. He lifted both arms above his head with his hands clasped together, arching his back to pull out all the tightness in his muscles. Dean had a serene half-smile touching his mouth. Castiel offered his hand to help him up. Dean didn't let go while Castiel led him away from the living room and steered him towards the stairs, still holding hands when he reached out to turn off the lights.

They stood in the doorway to Castiel’s bedroom. Dean was staring at the bed in alarm before he glanced back at Castiel. He was biting his bottom lip. Castiel suddenly realized his mistake.

“Shit, Dean… I’m so sorry. I never thought. I don’t have a spare room.” 

Dean swallowed hard.

_Too much. Too soon._

Castiel stumbled to apologize, reluctantly releasing Dean’s hand. He quickly fetched out a couple of pillows and spare duvet from a closet. He edged past Dean with a muttered _excuse me_ and slowly descended the stairs, peering around the pile of material as he moved down the steps with care. Dean followed him quietly, waiting in the darkness while he watched Castiel spread everything untidily on the couch. In the dim light of the room, Dean could see Castiel's lips moving with mumbled curses about being _so fucking stupid_. Dean couldn’t help but find it rather cute.

“Cas.” Dean called out to him. Castiel continued to arrange the covers. Dean smiled to himself and padded up behind him, reaching out to press a calming touch to his back. “Cas.” Dean tried again. “Leave it. I can do that. Go to bed.” Castiel turned around. He looked pitiful.

“Dean, I’m so sorry. It was just thoughtless. I never meant to imply anything. Please don’t think I was expecting you to sleep with me.” Dean laughed softly when he stroked one hand down the back of Castiel’s shirt.

“Dude, it’s fine.”

Castiel forced a small smile.

“Well, you're certainly not sleeping here. I'll take the couch. I want you to have my bed.”

“Cas. No - it’s your house.” Dean replied adamantly. “I’m used to sleeping in a car. This is a hotel in comparison.” Castiel knew Dean was only trying to make him feel better. He sat down on the bundle of messed up sheets with a bump.

“Please, I insist. I won’t be able to sleep otherwise. I am sorry, Dean.” 

Dean eventually relented.

“Okay. If you’re sure.” Castiel seemed to brighten up at that, nodding enthusiastically. Propped awkwardly on a precarious stack of pillows that almost tipped him on to the floor. “Thanks.” 

Castiel just responded with a weak _goodnight_ and went back to sorting out the mass of bedclothes. Dean’s gaze lingered a little longer than was necessary before going back upstairs. He cast one last, indecisive glance over his shoulder. Dean was chewing on the inside of his cheek like he was trying to figure something out. 

He stripped down to his boxers and climbed into Castiel’s bed. It was beautifully soft and smelled of vanilla and cotton. Dean buried his face in the pillow, breathing in the intoxicating scent. He shifted about until he was reasonably comfortable and stared up at the ceiling. All weariness suddenly left him after such an awkward exchange. Dean imagined Castiel was probably lying awake downstairs as well. Dean wanted to go comfort him, but he was stopped by a familiar rush of insecurity. Terrified of disappointing Castiel, and not entirely sure he was ready to share his bed. He wanted them to take their time. That sounded so pathetic, even in his own head.

_I want him to need me. I'll just fuck it up. He deserves so much better._

All these words were spiralling through Dean's mind and making his stomach twist into painful knots. He closed his eyes and tried to block it all out, desperate for sleep to come. He shuffled around in different positions for at least another hour, even though it felt like much longer. It made no difference. Thoughts soon drifting back to the crushing news he got earlier.

He needed Castiel.

Dean made an impulsive decision, and kicked the sheet free. He hurried downstairs, but stopped on the bottom step. He could just make out the hush of regular breaths in the dark. Dean moved towards the shadows of the living room.

“Cas?” There was a gentle rustle, but nothing else. “Cas, you awake?” Dean tried again, more than a whisper this time.

“Dean?” Came a soft reply. “Is everything okay?”

Dean moved a bit closer.

“Yeah, sorry. I couldn’t sleep. Did I wake you?”

Castiel sat up, blinking sleepily. He pushed the cover away and rubbed the back of one hand across his eyes. 

“No. I couldn’t sleep either.”

Dean’s heart was beating hard in his chest when he thought about what he wanted to say. He sat down next to Castiel, staring at his hands while he nervously wound his fingers together. When he looked back up he was met with blue eyes, softened by the dim light. Castiel's hair was sticking out at unnatural angles, deep imprints on his face where he got squished up against the side of the couch.

_Fuck. He looked adorable._

“Come to bed.” Castiel stared at him, blinking once in surprise. Dean offered his hand. “Cas, come to bed.”

Castiel slowly reached out, wrapping his hand around Dean’s. He looked stunned when they climbed back up the stairs together in silence. Dean stretched out on top of the sheets. He propped his body up with one elbow. Settling on his side with his head resting on one hand. Castiel slid down onto the bed beside him.

“You sure you’re okay?” 

Dean nodded.

“I know how lame this is gonna sound, but I feel like crap.” Dean faltered over the next sentence, completely out of his depth with sharing emotions. “I just needed you to hold me.” Castiel’s face folded into warm compassion.

“Come here.” He breathed softly, surrounding Dean with his arms and turning him over so Dean’s back was lying flush against his chest. Dean could feel the rapid pulse of his heart against his spine. Castiel had one arm wrapped around Dean's waist, pulling him closer to his body to stroke calming caresses through his hair.

Dean closed his eyes, basking in the comforting glow of Castiel’s affection. They lay together for a few minutes while Castiel nuzzled at him. Dean tensed when he suddenly felt something hard press against the middle of his ass. He felt an ache of desire and shamelessly pushed his hips back. Castiel released a low moan into his hair, and Dean could feel his dick jerk against him with a fresh surge of lust.

“Cas?” Dean said faintly. He could still feel hot gasps hitching against him. “Do you want me to take care of that for you?” The only response was absolute silence. Dean knew Castiel was holding his breath.

“Are you sure?” The little voice was hardly more than a whisper. Dean took hold of Castiel's wrist and gently pulled it away from his waist, turning over to face him.

“Yes.”

Castiel’s eyes were fixed on Dean’s. He swallowed hard, inhaling a rush of air through his nose.

“You don’t have to do that. That’s not why I asked you to stay with me.” Dean brushed his fingers lightly over the skin of Castiel's ass.

“I know.”

Dean edged his hand down, rotating his own hips in invitation. Every movement dragged his cock against Castiel’s while he grew harder. Dean rubbed up against him, leaving a delicate kiss on Castiel's flushed cheek before easing him flat on his back with a gentle push of his shoulders. Castiel looked up through dark, captivating lashes. Dean moved in to run his tongue from the dip of his neck and up the rough jaw, short stubble teasing out little scratches. Dean quickly reached Castiel's mouth and pushed his tongue through the space between his lips, pinning Castiel with one leg wrapped around his thighs when he arched up into the kiss.

Castiel tilted his head back with a hum of pleasure while Dean sucked loudly at the skin on his neck. He worked one hand even lower, dragging his fingernails down Castiel's stomach just hard enough to make him cry out. Dean moved his mouth across Castiel’s throat, kissing his shoulder before licking a wet stripe down to one of his nipples. Tasting it with little flicks of his tongue that made Castiel writhe beneath him.

Castiel breathed Dean's name with a sigh of longing that made his dick hard, a wet sensation spreading across the front of his boxers when a small burst of pre-come leaked from the tip. Dean's mouth was moving lower with each fresh trail of his tongue, shiny wet lips covering Castiel’s skin with slack kisses and soft bites that made him tremble with desire. His eyes fluttered shut when Dean reached down and pulled his cock free, now fully hard. It gave a violent twitch when Castiel groaned at the touch of Dean’s hand stroking the sensitive skin between his stomach and the base of his dick.

Castiel gasped out a small, choked sound in the back of his throat when Dean finally wrapped shaking fingers around the shaft. Gently tugging up and down, and bending his head to lick underneath. Castiel dug his fingers into the sheets, twisting them between his hands while Dean continued to manipulate Castiel’s cock in a loose fist. He could feel the start of a warm tingling rise up from deep inside him while Dean jerked his hand up and down, curling one finger over the end of his dick so he could rub teasing circles over the slit. Dean smeared the drops of Castiel's arousal over the shiny tip. He grabbed at Dean’s hair when the sensation steadily began to build in his groin, trying to guide his mouth lower. Dean held his shuddering hips still to stop Castiel thrusting up so hard. He flicked his gaze up, searching for silent permission to open his jaw wide and plunge his warm mouth over the top of Castiel's dick. Dean slid it down as far as he could manage.

Castiel’s body shook while Dean moved his lips cautiously up and down the hard length, holding Castiel's cock deep inside his mouth while he tapped the tip of his tongue along the side as much as the tight space would let him. Castiel's mouth had dropped open, like he was trying to form words that never came out. Dean smiled around his cock. He liked taking Cas apart like this. Loved the small shudders and whimpers of ecstasy that fell from parted lips, increasing the pace and sucking hungrily on the dick now firmly lodged in his mouth. Dean reached up with one hand to prise Castiel’s fingers from his hair, holding on tightly when he coaxed them down to rest on the strip of skin that stretched underneath his balls. Dean's encouragements vibrated around Castiel’s cock when he led his fingers to the dip in the middle of his ass and helped him push one of them into the tight hole.

The fractured noise that spilled shamelessly from his mouth was all Dean needed to work Castiel’s orgasm out of him. He pistoned the cock into his mouth, cheeks hollowed out with the force of how hard he was sucking. Dean pushed against Castiel's hand, pumping his finger in and out while he writhed and moaned under the weight of Dean’s body. The noises Dean wrenched from him sounded like stifled sobs as they tumbled out, caught somewhere between pleasure and pain.

Castiel was shouting almost incoherent curses looped in with Dean’s name when he felt the pressure building inside his balls. Dean gripped the base of his dick to delay his climax and Castiel growled at him, trying to pull Dean’s hand away so he could come. Dean suddenly panicked and let go, pulsating heat of Castiel’s release shooting forcefully into the back of his throat. He managed to swallow most of it, still suckling the tip of his cock like he wanted to siphon it all off into his mouth. Some of it fell from the corners and dribbled down Dean's chin before landing messily on the skin of Castiel’s belly.

“Shit, sorry. I just couldn’t take it all.” Dean stuttered, suddenly embarrassed by his inexperience.

Castiel hushed him, groans of euphoria slowly dissolving into satiated sighs while his spent dick started to soften. Dean pulled himself up and poured a kiss into him. Castiel could taste himself on Dean’s tongue when he pushed their mouths together. Eventually they pulled away from each other. Dean collapsed on his side with his body stretched out next to Castiel. He slid one arm around his shoulders, skin still damp from the sweat of passion. Dean rested his head on Castiel's chest and closed his eyes, lips curving into a contented smile. The feeling that flowed through him was something unfamiliar and warm.

_Happiness._

Castiel stroked calming touches into Dean's hair and bent down slowly to plant a soft kiss on the top of his head. He pulled the sheet up to stop Dean from shivering and drew him in close.

“Thank you.” Castiel offered breathlessly. “You alright?” Dean rubbed his cheek against the other man’s side in confirmation. Making hushed sounds that almost resembled a purr.

“Was that okay?” Dean asked sleepily. He still didn’t think he was anywhere even close to being good enough for Castiel. 

_Maybe he never would._

Castiel tutted.

“No, it was better than okay.”

Dean laughed.

“Cas, you have absolutely nothing to compare it to.”

“In which case, you should tell me that was the best blow job ever and I would have to believe you.”

Dean smiled. His own dick was still hard, and he really wanted to relieve the ache pulsing between his legs, but this wasn’t about him. This was about Castiel and the only thing Dean felt ready to give him right now. He still couldn’t say out loud those three little words that constantly resonated through his thoughts.

_____

Soundtrack Chapter 4: [**Falling** (Tyler Ward)](http://www.loudtronix.co/listenYT.php?name=Tyler+Ward+feat.+Alex+G+-+Falling+Lyrics&show=true&url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WqaOPUBH1Cc)


	5. Behind Blue Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel believes Dean is hiding something from him, but he needs to know the truth. A visit from Sam and Jess encourages them to address the feelings they have for each other. Dean finally makes an admission that changes Castiel's perceptions and all his plans for the future.

 

Chapter 5     **Behind Blue Eyes**           

Dean’s eyes cracked open when the russet glow of morning swept across his face while he was sleeping. A lazy smile teased his lips into a curve when he reached out to wrap one arm around Castiel. The sheets were cold, and he was gone. The unexpected emptiness in the space next to him made Dean sit up, glancing around the room. He blinked sleepily and pushed himself up on his elbows, a soft pillow resting comfortably against his back.

He scanned the bedroom in the dim light, noticing a small shape in the centre of Castiel’s pillow. Dean could just make out the regular edges of four points at each corner. Castiel had left him a paper butterfly, this one a soft shade of pink. Dean gently picked it up and rested it on his palm, smiling while he admired it. Dean asked Castiel about the butterflies several times, but he never explained their significance. Dean remembered how beautifully Castiel described the symbolism of the lotus flowers he made while Dean was in hospital. When he pressed for answers, Castiel would always shrug the questions off. Dean decided to pester him about it later. He placed it reverently by his side of the bed and kicked off the sheets.

Dean ran stiff fingers through his hair, daring a quick look at his reflection, and adjusting a couple of wayward strands. Mind soon echoing all the familiar thoughts telling him how worthless he was. Something strange and unexpected caught him while he rested in the shelter of Castiel’s arms the night before. A sense of warm fulfillment in his blood knowing he could make Castiel happy. Dean grabbed a t-shirt from the floor and pulled it on, descending the stairs in a few steps. He shouted Castiel’s name. There was no reply, so Dean headed to the kitchen to put on a pot of coffee.

Dean was leaning up against the counter and waiting for the coffee to percolate when the front door opened with a click. He saw Castiel slip in, making a deliberate effort to close it behind him without making a sound. He was carrying a large paper bag in one hand. Castiel was creeping through the hallway when he noticed Dean watching him. He almost dropped the pack in surprise.

“Oh, you’re already up.” Castiel smiled, walking over to drop the bag on the kitchen table. The top spread open and Dean couldn't resist a curious peek inside while Castiel reached around him and picked out a mug from the drainer. He set it down next to Dean’s while they waited for the coffee. Dean felt a sudden surge of that developing _something_ he was finding increasingly difficult to ignore when Castiel’s hand brushed against his skin. Their eyes met for a moment just before Dean’s flickered and found the floor again. Castiel smiled a little, busying himself with emptying the contents on to the table and putting some of his purchases in the refrigerator for later. “Why don’t you invite Sam and Jess over for breakfast?” Castiel said, looking up at Dean through the shade of his eyelashes. “I wanted to bring something up to you, but seeing as you’re already awake that seems a bit pointless now.” Castiel dug out a modest spray of red roses from inside the paper bag. They were all looped together with a delicate bow that matched their colour perfectly. He ripped it away in frustration, and just stuck them awkwardly in a glass tumbler which he filled with water and set to one side. Dean thought he saw a flicker of disappointment cross Castiel's face for a second before he clapped his hands together and smiled again. “What do you think? Can you text him?”

“Sure.” Dean answered slowly. “If you really don’t mind.”

“'Course not. I really would like to get to know them better. Honestly.” Castiel added, gently touching Dean’s arm to try and clear the uncertainty from his eyes.

“Okay. Thanks, Cas.” Dean replied, voice soft and small. Castiel thought he seemed unnecessarily grateful for such a small gesture. He poured out two cups of steaming coffee while Dean wandered off into the other room, cell already in his hand. He started tapping out a message with his thumbs, eyes fixed on the small screen. He returned a few minutes later to find Castiel sitting at the table and cradling his cup in both hands, blowing across the top to cool it down. Dean walked behind him and leaned forward, wrapping his arms around Castiel's chest so their bodies were pressed together. Castiel melted into Dean with a contented sigh. “Sam was really stoked you invited them. They shouldn’t be long.”

Castiel hummed a response, gently rubbing his cheek along Dean’s arm where it circled his shoulders.

“That’s good.” He replied. “I phoned work this morning and took some holiday days so we could spend some time together.” Castiel tilted his head back. Dean was bending over Castiel, tenderly kissing his forehead while he wrapped both arms a little tighter. “You don’t mind, do you?” Dean was actually quite touched Castiel wanted to devote some time to him.

“Why would I mind?” Dean laughed. “I’m glad. It means I get you all to myself for a little while.”

Castiel set the cup down and stroked his hands down Dean’s arms. They finished their coffee just as Sam and Jess arrived. Castiel let them in, and they followed him through to the kitchen. Jess was carrying a large flask and a brightly coloured cloth that was folded into a square and draped over one of her arms. They greeted each other warmly after Jess put them on the counter.

“How are you feeling, Dean?” She asked kindly. Dean spared a mischievous glance in Castiel’s direction.

“Not too bad, even if I did wake up with a funny taste in my mouth this morning.” There was a startled gasp behind him. Castiel was very pink.

“That doesn’t sound right.” Sam muttered, completely missing the point. Sometimes Dean wondered if they were actually related at all. Dean winked at Castiel.

“Oh, I don’t know. I think I could get used to it.” Castiel couldn't resist a shy smile before he turned back to the sink and finished washing up the empty cups. Dean was pretty sure it was just an excuse to hide the blush now spreading across his face.

“I thought we could all go up to Hunter’s Point after breakfast.” Jess suggested. “It looks like it’s going to be fine all day.”

“Another lake. Just what I need.” Dean forced a small laugh.

“What’s Hunter’s Point?” Castiel frowned when Dean raised his arms in the air.

“Dude, how long have you lived here? Don’t you ever go anywhere?”

“No.”

Dean moved closer to Castiel. He wanted to put one arm around his shoulders, but wasn’t sure he was comfortable touching Cas in front of his brother just yet.

“Well that's sure as hell gonna change.” Dean promised. “I’ll even take you for a ride in my baby when I get her back.”

“Oh, that reminds me.” Sam said quickly, patting down his jacket like he was trying to find something important but couldn’t remember where he put it. Sam slipped one hand inside a hidden pocket and pulled out a large envelope. “Your ID.” He explained. “I got the Impala towed back to the shop. I wasn’t sure if you were up for driving just yet, so it can stay there for now. I kept all your paperwork though in case you wanted it.” Sam hesitantly held it out towards him. “I didn't know if you needed to change the address.” He stammered awkwardly. Dean was silent, making no attempt to reach out and take it. “I wasn't sure if you were just staying here for a bit, or if you were actually moving in.” His voice trailed off into a pause while he looked to Dean for confirmation one way or the other. The envelope was hovering inconveniently between them. Dean had no idea what to say. His gaze stayed settled on the packet before Castiel moved in to take it from Sam’s hand.

“Thank you, Sam. I'll put it somewhere safe.” He said quietly. “Dean will be staying here as long as he wants to, right?” Castiel looked up nervously when Dean cast him a sideways glance. 

“Thanks, Cas.” Dean whispered. His voice seemed so quiet and small, green eyes soon fixed on the floor again.

_____

They sat at the table chatting while Castiel effortlessly impressed all three of them with the way he moved around the kitchen. He set about preparing what Dean later concluded was the best breakfast of his entire life. Castiel bought a selection of continental delicacies along with sausage, bacon and eggs which he sandwiched expertly between french toast. He topped it with a rather generous helping of melted cheese and set two plates down for their guests. He took a little longer with Dean’s before putting it in front of him. Dean knew he was blushing like a beacon. Castiel had carefully arranged the pieces of food into a smiley face. On the very edge of the plate was a thin line of ketchup squeezed into the shape of a heart. Jess looked up at Castiel and then back to Dean. She had a stupidly wide grin on her face. Her eyes were shining.

“Cas, you are actually perfect.”

Castiel gave Jess a modest smile and waved her away, wiping his hands clean on a cloth tucked in the top of his jeans. Dean just stared blankly at it, a light fluttering rising from deep inside his stomach and up through his chest. He wasn’t sure if he could eat anything now, feeling sick and warm when a breath hitched over unexpected tightness in his throat. The inside of his mouth was much wetter than it should be. He hesitated, cutlery suspended over the plate like he didn’t want to spoil it.

Castiel reached over to give Sam a paper napkin. Dean had an inexplicable urge to grab hold of the apron straps dangling over his hips and pull him down into his lap. He wanted to cover that body in soft kisses. Dean didn’t know what that feeling was, and he definitely wasn’t sure he liked it. He was unnaturally quiet while they ate their meal together, taking much longer than necessary to chew through every single bite. Sam was making small hums of pleasure while he relished every mouthful with his eyes closed. Jess elbowed him in the side.

“Sam, company.” She chided.

“That’s okay. " Castiel laughed. "I’ll take it as a compliment to the chef.” He was delicately cutting up his own toast while those searching blue eyes never left Dean’s face, hoping such a romantic idea hadn't been too much. A curl of anxiety pressed behind his ribs while he cleared the table in silence. There were no leftovers and Sam’s plate looked suspiciously empty. Castiel wondered if he actually licked it clean when they weren’t looking. Dean got up with the muttered excuse of changing into something more appropriate for the developing sunshine now streaming in through the kitchen window. Jess helped Castiel wrap up a few items in the cloth and filled a cooler with ice and lemonade. They waited for Dean outside.

When he finally came down, Sam was loading up the car and Jess was sitting on the front step with her arms stretched out behind her, both knees pulled up to her chest. She was bathing her face in the glow of bright morning. Castiel was waiting by the door and fiddling with his keys. Dean shot straight past him without a word and climbed into the back of Sam’s car. Castiel’s expression dropped when he locked up, slipping into the back seat next to Dean. Castiel tried to catch his eye, but Dean was staring pointedly out of the window with his chin resting in one hand. Castiel threaded his fingers together and rested them in his lap to stop his hands from shaking. The sudden change was disturbing, a nagging doubt in his head convincing Castiel he must have done something wrong.

The car journey only took about twenty minutes but it seemed much longer. The uncomfortable silence stretched out for most of the way. It had Sam and Jess exchanging knowing looks that hadn’t helped to lessen Castiel’s sense of discomfort. Sam eventually pulled into the orchard on a narrow lane lined with blossoming orange trees. Swaying soundlessly in the soft breeze. He stopped at the end and turned to glance at Dean over his shoulder. Out of his window Castiel noticed a wide lake, glassy surface shifting and glistening in the sunlight.

“You alright?” Sam asked, his face etched with concern for his brother. He knew the sight of water would bring back some painful memories. Dean nodded and offered him a weak smile. He climbed out to stretch his legs, standing by the side of the car with his hands on his hips. He looked thoughtful. Jess came up behind him and tugged gently at his elbow.

“Come on.” She whispered kindly. Dean let her lead him away. They walked over the pebbles together while Sam and Castiel retrieved the picnic basket from the trunk. They headed down to the bank, and Sam set some of the items down on the grass while he spread out the cloth under the shade of a large tree. The boughs were hanging low with the clustered burden of long white petals.

Dean and Jess were wandering back just as Castiel sat down. He crossed his legs to make room for the others and deliberately left a space next to him for Dean. He patted the ground gently and Dean dropped down. Castiel leaned in towards him, tentatively brushing his little finger against Dean’s hand where it was splayed out to help prop him up.

“What’s wrong?” Castiel whispered shakily. Dean looked up but he couldn't hold that piercing gaze for very long.

“Nothing.”

“Dean, have I done something wrong?” He sounded so pitiful, Dean immediately crumbled. He shook his head, suddenly stretching out his hand so their fingertips were touching.

“No.” He replied, without hesitation. “God. No, Cas. You never do anything wrong, that’s the point.” Castiel looked down in confusion. He had no idea what to say to that. Jess pretended she hadn't overheard the hushed conversation between them and tugged relentlessly at Castiel’s arm, begging him to walk her down to the lake so she could watch the little silver fish. Castiel got up under some protest and let Jess drag him down to the water, watching Dean over his shoulder while he was dragged away. Dean tried to smile. Sam was sitting a few feet away, hidden by the shade of a tree. Dean could feel those hazel eyes burning into the side of his face.

“Dean?” That single word was loaded with implications, and Dean groaned inside. “Are you and Castiel _together_?” Dean shot him a warning glare, staring at Sam with his arms folded defensively across his chest. Dean shrugged.

“No.” He sighed. “Yes. God, I don’t know.” Sam raised an eyebrow. “Maybe.” Sam was still watching him, and Dean knew he would have to expand on that one if he was ever going to be free of an excruciating interrogation.

“What do you mean? You like him, don’t you?” It wasn’t really a question.

“Yes.” Dean whispered. “He’s kind, thoughtful. He makes me smile. He’s actually wonderful and - ” Dean hesitated while he looked out over the water. “Way too good for me.”

“Dean.” Sam said sternly. “Don’t you think that’s something you should let him decide?” Dean didn't answer straight away. He was staring down at the grass.

“I don’t wanna get hurt.”

Sam laughed, playfully punching his brother on the arm.

“The mighty Dean Winchester terrified of a four letter word. Who knew.” Dean squinted at Sam through the bright glare of sunshine. “I mean it.” Sam added, his tone now gentle. “Cas likes you just the way you are. You _are_ a good man, and I'm really glad you’re my brother. I just want you to be happy. If he makes you happy then take it while you can. Talk to him, Dean.”

 

Jess and Castiel were watching the movement of tiny fish darting in and out the shallows, shiny scales reflecting the light like flickering stars under the surface. She had one arm threaded through his.

“How are things going between you two?”

Castiel sighed, setting his mouth in such a tight line, his lips almost disappeared.

“I thought okay until this morning. I think I upset him, but I don’t know what I’ve done.”

Jess tightened her hold on him.

“I think you’re probably too perfect.” Castiel jerked his head back like she just slapped him. “Cas, that’s hard for Dean to accept. He doesn’t think he deserves you.”

“But I want to do things for him and make him happy. I want to give him everything.”

“Are you in love with him?” Jess asked suddenly. Castiel didn’t even pause.

“Completely.”

Jess smiled.

“Be patient, talk to him.”

 

Sam was in the middle of a sentence about _life being too short_ when Dean suddenly jumped up and started to stumble purposefully down to the edge of the water where Jess and Castiel were still talking. Without warning, Dean grabbed hold of Castiel’s arm and spun him around to face him. Jess had her mouth open in surprise when Dean spread his palms across both sides of Castiel’s face and stopped the breath he was exhaling with his mouth. He curled one trembling hand around Castiel's neck, holding him there with a kiss that was soft and desperate. Castiel’s body was rigid, arms hanging loosely by his sides. It was the last thing he expected. Jess quickly closed her mouth, the faint hint of a blush highlighting her cheekbones.

“Or you could just let him kiss you.” She hurried back across the stones to Sam and started pouring out glasses of lemonade for everybody. Dean pulled his mouth away and touched their foreheads together. He was blinking wildly in the sunlight.

“What was that for?” Castiel asked breathlessly. Dean could see his eyes were sparkling again. Dean shook his head at his own stupidity.

“Because I’m a dick.”

Castiel laughed lightly.

“No, you’re not.” He replied, reaching up to wrap his arms around Dean’s waist. “I’m sorry I made you angry.”

“Cas.” Dean sighed. “I’m not angry. _Shit_. It’s just the way you make me feel, it scares me sometimes.” Dean rested his fingertips on top of Castiel’s jeans and pulled him closer. “That doesn’t happen to me.” Castiel wound his fingers around Dean's palms.

“Come on.” He whispered softly. They walked back to the others hand in hand.

 

After they finished lunch, Sam and Jess decided to take a quick trip to the other side of the orchard to investigate the butterfly garden in the glass house at the end of the path. Sam brought along his camera and Jess was determined to make the most of the afternoon. Dean was pretty sure they left them alone deliberately. He intended to make good use of it.

Dean was stretched out lazily on his back, casually examining the delicate flowers of the orange tree above him. The sunlight sparkled through the leaves, shadows cast by some of the smaller branches falling across his face in uneven lines. Castiel propped himself up on one elbow and leaned across Dean’s chest until he was angled over the top of him. He was looking down at Dean and smiling, surrounded by the hazy light behind him. It formed a crown of gold around his head.

“You look like an angel.” Dean muttered quietly. Castiel reached down to twist his fingers through Dean’s hair. The humid air was peaceful save for the distant murmur of fleeting insects. Castiel moved his hands in graceful strokes, wondering how to bring up what happened earlier.

“No more doubts, okay?” Castiel whispered, after a long pause. Dean closed his eyes and nodded.

“I don’t doubt you.” He replied sleepily. “It just feels like a dream sometimes. I’m frightened I’m gonna wake up and realize none of this is real.” Castiel rested his palm on the side of Dean’s cheek, and his eyes suddenly flickered open. “Cas.” Dean was ready to give a name to all the unexpected sensations that consumed his thoughts when he stared down at his breakfast plate that morning. “I think I’m in love with you.” Castiel inhaled a sharp gasp and Dean could just make out the colour of his eyes in the soft shadows of his face. He stroked his thumb across Castiel’s cheekbone. “You’re my little Bluebird aren’t you, Cas?” He smiled when Castiel leaned forward to touch his lips against Dean’s.

 _My little Bluebird._ Dean thought, their open mouths pushing tenderly together. Castiel eventually lifted himself up on his arms so he could look into Dean’s eyes.

“Do you mean it?” He whispered.

“With everything.”

Castiel's eyes were sparkling with unshed tears. He rested his head on Dean's chest and closed his eyes. Sam and Jess found them wrapped in a silent embrace when they returned an hour later. Jess was quiet when she sat down close to the tree but Sam coughed loudly and Dean’s eyes snapped open. He sat up quickly, smoothing down the creases on his shirt with one hand. Sam flashed him a wide smile, giving him a playful kick against his thigh.

“'Bout time.”

“Shut up.” Dean replied, something blissful behind his eyes. Sam just laughed and dropped down next to Jess. Castiel eventually sat up. He looked like he might have been on the edge of sleep. He blinked.

“Well?” Jess asked expectantly. Castiel and Dean both turned to look at her.

“What?” Dean was going to make her say it. She tutted and flicked her eyes up in frustration.

“Anything you want to share with us, Dean?”

Dean’s mouth curved up at one corner. He didn’t see much point in denying it anymore. He liked having Castiel as a constant presence by his side. Dean reached out to wind their fingers together before turning back to Jess.

“Looks like.”

It was the only response she was likely to get. Dean lifted up their hands to present as evidence. Jess smiled. She looked extremely pleased with herself, like she was somehow instrumental in getting them together. Dean let her have the moment and they sat for a while just talking while the heat of the late afternoon started to fade. A gentle breeze came in across the water. Sam suggested it was probably time to head back.

_____

Sam gave them a lift home. The ride back was much better. Dean and Castiel were sitting ridiculously close to each other on the back seat, hands entwined the whole time. Jess kept looking at them in the mirror but they hardly noticed. They didn’t speak much, but when they did it was all hushed whispers and little noises that sounded like stifled giggles. Jess couldn’t make out what they were saying to each other but Dean looked happy and that was enough for her.

Castiel was in the kitchen, packing away what was left of the picnic. Dean was watching him intently from the doorway, leaning back with both arms folded across his chest. He looked thoughtful.

“Cas, can you stay down here for about twenty minutes? There’s something I gotta do.”

Castiel stopped what he was doing.

“What do you - ?” He started, but Dean hushed him.

“Just give me twenty minutes.” He smiled. 

“Okay.” Castiel muttered, returning to the unpacking. Dean quickly reached past him to grab a handful of the roses Castiel put in the tumbler earlier. He soon heard Dean moving around upstairs, and the sound of running water. By the time Castiel cleared away and washed up, Dean was calling him from the landing.

“Be right there.” Castiel shouted back, hurriedly drying his hands on the cloth before throwing it on the drainer.

Castiel got halfway up the stairs, when he suddenly stopped. Dean was standing at the top. He was barefoot and shirtless, and Castiel noticed a soft white bath towel draped over one arm. Dean gave him a warm smile and stretched out his arm behind him, gesturing for Castiel to join him in the bathroom. Castiel climbed the stairs, eyes wide with anticipation. As soon as he reached the top, Dean moved towards him and slung the towel over one shoulder. He hooked his fingers into Castiel's belt loops and tugged him in. Castiel could feel the caress of hot breath against his cheek. He opened his mouth to speak but Dean quickly pressed his finger against his lips to quiet him before moving both hands gracefully up Castiel’s chest. He started to undo the buttons on his shirt, one at a time. Dean pulled it out the top of his jeans and undid the last button before slipping it from Castiel's shoulders.

“I want to know everything about you, Cas. I want to know everything you keep hidden away behind those beautiful blue eyes.” Dean whispered the words softly, stroking his thumbs in small circles over the strip of skin just above the top of Castiel's jeans. He inhaled a nervous breath when Dean flicked the button open and slid the zip down slowly, reaching around his back to push them down over the rise of Castiel’s ass. He stepped out of them without a sound, eyes fixed on Dean’s mouth. Castiel felt his cock start to grow. Dean encouraged him to get almost completely naked in front of him, the last thin barrier of his boxer shorts soon pulled down tenderly. Dean’s eyes were soaking in every contour of his body, smoothing both hands over Castiel’s shoulders and down his arms. “Close your eyes.” Dean commanded. Castiel obeyed at once. Without another word, Dean bent down and scooped Castiel up in his arms. The shorts dangling around his ankles fell away when Dean carried him through the doorway. He kicked the door a little wider and edged them both into the small space next to the bathtub. Castiel could feel the warm and soothing sensation of the water across his back when Dean lowered him down. “Okay. You can open your eyes now, Bluebird.”

Castiel gasped when his eyes fluttered open. Dean had lined the edges of the bath with scented candles. They were the only light in the room. On the surface of the water were scattered handfuls of the red petals he delicately plucked from the roses. He had also set up two glasses of wine at the end of the bath and propped up the paper butterfly Castiel left on his pillow that morning. The upper wing tips were starting to wilt in the heat.

“Dean - ” Castiel breathed in amazement.

Dean blushed.

“Yeah, I know. Figured you bought those for me, but I didn’t get a chance to appreciate them.”

“I did actually.” Castiel sank back a little. He felt relaxed and aroused at the same time, a very strange combination of emotions. Dean started to run his fingers through the water and trickled some of it down Castiel’s back. “Never had you pegged as the romantic type.” Castiel commented lazily.

Dean laughed, splashing a handful of water droplets on the side of his face.

“You and me both.” Dean was quiet for a few moments. Castiel opened one eye. Dean was still staring at him. “Thing is, Cas… and don’t you dare laugh.” Dean warned. “I’m actually starting to get past being weirded out by all the PDAs with another dude.” He hesitated.

“Yes?”

“And that I don’t really know how to do all this stuff.” He waved a hand dismissively over the water. “I never felt like this about anyone, but I’m trying. For you.”

_So much for going slow._

Castiel covered Dean’s hand with his own.

“I know. I haven’t either, Dean.”

Dean smiled again.

“Right, sit up. I’m gonna do your back.”

_____

Dean washed and caressed Castiel’s skin over every part he could reach. It seemed to last for hours. He was still kneeling by the side of the tub when his back started to ache from bending over, jeans now soaked with water. He had white foam halfway up both arms. Castiel’s eyes were closed, head tilted back in calm pleasure while Dean worked gentle fingers over his body. Castiel leisurely sipped a few mouthfuls of wine. The cool taste of it running down his throat was a pleasant contrast from the heat of the water. He was making low humming sounds, changing slightly in pitch every time Dean hit a good spot. Dean squirted some shampoo onto his palm and moved it under his nose. It smelled of lemon and honey. Dean murmured approvingly, winding it through wet strands of Castiel’s hair. He leaned forward and brushed his nose against Castiel's ear, inhaling the pleasant scent while he rubbed the gel down the back of his neck before delicately rinsing it with clear water.

Castiel opened his eyes at last. Dean was watching him closely while he methodically dripped the water over his shoulders.

“What?” Castiel laughed softly, sitting up a little straighter.

“Nothing. I was just looking at you.”

Castiel smiled and reached out for the towel. Dean started to pass it to him but every time he opened his fingers to grab it, Dean moved it just out of reach. Castiel splashed him playfully.

“Quit teasing. Pass the towel, please.” It didn’t really sound like he meant it, and Dean laughed. Wiping one hand across his cheek to dry it. Dean let Castiel take it this time, and stood up slowly. Stretching his legs to get the circulation flowing properly again.

“I haven’t finished with you, yet. I’ll wait for you in the bedroom. Don’t be long.” Dean added, pressing a wet kiss to Castiel’s temple.

Castiel stepped out the water and wrapped the towel around his body. Dean was in the bedroom, stretched out across the top of Castiel's bed. The damp jeans got discarded, and Dean was naked apart from a pair of black boxer shorts. Castiel sat down on the edge of the bed, swallowing hard while his eyes scanned Dean’s body. Castiel wet his bottom lip nervously with his tongue while he waited for Dean to give him further instructions. There was something about being dominated by Dean that made Castiel feel excited and warm inside, but he wasn’t ready to admit that just yet. Dean pushed him back on the bed and pulled the towel out from under him, encouraging Castiel to lie on his stomach with his arms resting on the pillow above his head.

“Just relax, Cas. Close your eyes again.” His voice was so low and persuasive, Castiel immediately did as he was asked. He heard the sound of a bottle cap being flicked open. Castiel turned his head to see what Dean was doing when he felt a strong pressure in the middle of his back. About to protest when he sensed a cool liquid being smoothed over his shoulders. Dean started to knead the oil into his muscles and across the curve of his hips. It felt incredible. Castiel could feel his toes curling and digging into the soft sheet under his feet. Dean continued to massage his body with firm but tender strokes. Sometimes he would pinch the skin between his fingers or rub the heel of his palm into the dip of Castiel’s spine and send a pulsating ache of pleasure building in his groin. A beautiful tightness to his dick while Dean held him down and massaged his back. “Turn over.” Castiel suddenly stilled. He knew his cock was getting hard from the sensual stroke of Dean’s touches. Castiel hesitated when Dean tried to ease him around. “Cas.” Dean insisted. Castiel inhaled, closing his eyes shut when he rolled on to his back. Dean moved to relieve the weight on Castiel's chest when his gaze drifted downwards. “You liked that, then?” He asked with some satisfaction, nodding towards Castiel's swollen dick. Castiel blushed, trying to cover an erection with his hands. Dean just swept them aside and leaned in close. “Don’t. I want to see you like that.” Castiel dropped his arms and let Dean straddle his thighs. Bending forward to touch moist lips together, and letting out a deep moan that betrayed all the desire he felt. Dean was suddenly caught unprepared by the sensation of being flipped over. Castiel had switched places with him. Dean looked up in surprise. “Cas? What are you - ?”

“Let me.” Castiel breathed. Dean could feel him reach down to slip the edge of his fingers inside the shorts, dragging his fingertips upwards in a sweeping line from the rim of Dean’s hole to the base of his cock. Dean threw his head back with the unexpected surge of arousal and watched Castiel move down his body. Curving his back so he could lick at his stomach. Castiel pulled his hand free to suck two fingers into his mouth, running his tongue along the edges until they were glistening with slick. He carefully brushed them back across the stretch of sensitive skin, and Dean arched his hips up to meet the thrust of Castiel's fingers when he carefully eased them just inside the warm stretch of his opening. Dean gasped, eyes wide while they searched Castiel’s face. He soothed him with a gentle spread of one hand across the base of his abdomen while he pushed in a little deeper. Dean let out a small, fractured sound. “Do you want me to stop?” Castiel asked softly.

Dean held his gaze for a moment before shaking his head. He closed his eyes and tilted his head back on the pillow, relaxing under Castiel’s touch. Fingertips moving in and out so slowly, Dean shivered against his palm. Castiel curved the ends of his fingers to caress the smooth skin inside and Dean released a groan that sent a pulse of desire through Castiel. He was soon fully hard. He stretched Dean a little wider, curling his other hand around the base of Dean’s shaft before teasing him with a light sweep of his thumb over the tip. He was rigid in a few strokes.

Castiel worked him relentlessly with both hands. His fingers filled and rubbed against the tight passage while he tugged at Dean’s cock with the other, twisting his wrist gently every time his fist reached the head. He smeared the drops of pre-come up and down the length when it leaked out freely in response. Short breathy gasps and whimpers of pleading spilled from Dean’s lips in ecstasy. Castiel was rubbing hard against Dean’s skin while he watched him fall apart beneath him. Castiel was grinding his dick into the muscle of his thigh and increasing the pace of his thrusts. Dean cried out his name.

“Cas... fuck. I wanna come.” Castiel nodded, eyes sparkling while he watched Dean’s cock disappear inside his fist. Still pumping hard inside him. “No.” Dean pushed his hand away. “I wanna come in your mouth.”

Castiel let out a lustful sigh, slipping his hand to the base of Dean's dick and holding it up so he could wrap his lips around it. He worked his way quickly to the base with little shakes of his head, opening his jaw wide to accommodate the thick length. Dean could feel it nudging the back of his throat with every plunge. The sensation brought him to release almost immediately. Dean saw the muscles rippling in Castiel’s throat while he swallowed it down, each new surge causing Castiel to suck harder. Dean poured everything he had into his mouth.

Dean shuddered, groaning loudly before falling back against the soft pillows with his eyes closed. Castiel pulled his fingers out slowly, licking Dean’s dick completely clean before placing a tender kiss on the tip. Dragging himself gracelessly up the bed so their flushed bodies were lined up together. Dean was still trembling when he wrapped an arm around Castiel and held him close. They lay still for a few moments until their breathing was almost back to normal. Dean tightened his hold on Castiel. It was suspiciously close to cuddling, but he didn’t mention it and just curled into it with a blissful smile. Dean sighed a low whistle that vibrated across Castiel's hair.

“I wasn’t sure I was ready for that, but - ” Castiel waited for Dean to say something more. “That was awesome, Cas.” His smile grew a lot wider.

“Thanks.”

Dean sat up, propping his back against dishevelled pillows.

“What I said earlier, I meant it. I want to know you. Like, really know you.” Dean shifted again, fidgeting with the edge of the sheet. “Not like _sex_.” He spoke the word in a whisper. “I don’t know if I'm ready for that 'til I get my head around how I feel about you. It’s something I never expected, and I'm still not sure how to deal with it… but I think I'm definitely okay with you blowing me.”

Castiel smiled.

“Okay. What _do_ you want to know, then?”

Dean looked like he was trying to think really hard. He shrugged, gazing down at Castiel with a fondness he never thought he was capable of.

“Just talk to me, tell me anything.”

Castiel relaxed a little more, leaning closer to the warmth of Dean’s body and starting with the basics at first. He was born on the eighteenth of September 1979, the same year as Dean. He had a rich but dysfunctional family and lived in Illinois most of his life before moving to Kansas for some country air so he could concentrate on getting his nursing degree. After he lost his sister, he spent a year just drifting, trying to find a way out of the darkness her suicide had cast over him. Dean knew it never really left him. It still polluted the inner most part of Castiel's heart, buried somewhere deep in his psyche. Dean wanted to chase all the sadness and the shadows away. He wanted to make Cas strong again.

Castiel searched Dean’s face for a second.

“Can I ask you something, now?”

Dean nodded, brushing calming strokes up and down Castiel’s arm where he was holding onto him.

“Sure, Cas. What you wanna know?”

Castiel bit his lip.

“Promise you won’t get mad?” He asked quietly. Dean frowned.

“Depends.” He answered, suddenly sounding cautious.

“It’s just... well.” Castiel started gently, scared Dean might close up on him again and the intimacy of the moment would be broken. “You haven’t told me everything they said at the hospital. I wondered if you wanted to talk about it.” He felt Dean’s hand stop moving, cursing himself in his head for even mentioning it.

“Cas.”

Dean’s voice hid a subtle warning, and Castiel felt his stomach cramp with anxiety. He wanted to understand. He needed to know everything was going to be alright. A sudden rush of fear at losing Dean made his chest stutter.

“Please. You don’t realize how worried I am. I haven’t said anything 'cause I didn’t want to upset you, but it’s in my head all the time. I just need to know. _Please._ ”

His voice sounded so small and fragile, Dean gave in.

“There’s not really much to tell you don’t already know. You wear the scrubs, Cas, not me. It’s just a stupid blip in my heart but I’m sure it’s no big deal. Doc told me I had to be careful, is all.” Dean soothed him. He didn’t want to cause Castiel any more concern than he had to, but he didn't want to lie to him either.

_Lying isn’t the same as not telling him the whole truth._

Dean resumed the comforting caress against Castiel’s arm.

“Really, I’ll be fine. Don’t let it get to you, baby.” He knew that word would distract him. A crappy trick to play - but it got his attention. Dean actually felt a little guilty when Castiel closed his eyes and burrowed his cheek into the dip of Dean’s shoulder.

“I love when you call me that.”

“I know.”

_____

Soundtrack Chapter 5: [**Lay Your World On Me** (Ozzy Osbourne)](http://www.loudtronix.co/listenYT.php?name=Ozzy+Osbourne+-+Lay+Your+World+On+Me&show=true&url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jcT-xiD98vM)


	6. Surrender

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Castiel try not to focus on the ever present threat endangering the life they start to build together. Dean finds other ways to show Castiel how much he cares for him. Still finding it hard to explain how he feels until something makes him realize just how much he wants Cas to surrender completely.

Chapter 6     **Surrender**         

“Dean!” Castiel was shouting his name from upstairs. Dean poked his head lazily around the kitchen door and tilted his gaze towards the landing, sipping patiently from the edge of a hot coffee.

“What’s the matter?” He shouted over the muffled sounds of cursing and the scraping of drawers being forcefully pulled out and pushed back in. Dean smiled to himself. “Cas, calm down. You’ve got like another hour at least.” Dean wandered to the bottom of the stairs to check if he heard him, only to be greeted with Castiel crashing down the steps towards him. His dark hair was untidy, eyes wide and frantic.

“Dean, where the _fuck_ is my blue tie?”

Dean held back a laugh. Castiel was staring at him like he somehow had all the answers to the meaning of the universe. Hands on his hips and tapping one foot impatiently on the floor.

“Cas.” Dean placated him by resting both hands on his shoulders. “I’ll go find the tie, sit down.” Castiel was still fidgeting with a button on his dress shirt. 

“Dean - ” He didn’t get chance to finish the sentence. A flustered Castiel was probably the cutest thing Dean had ever seen. He leaned in to push their mouths together. Pressing many sweet kisses to his lips until Dean was certain Castiel was calm again.

“Okay?”

Castiel nodded with his eyes closed, blissful smile pulling at his mouth.

“Yes. Thank you. I know you think I’m being ridiculous, Dean.”

“Never.” Dean crinkled up his nose with affection. “But it’s only dinner, Cas and you look fine.” Castiel shook his head.

“I want you to think I look better than fine.”

“Oh, you’re hopeless.” Dean muttered. “Tell you what, I won’t say another word. Then you got nothing to throw back in my face later.” Dean went upstairs to locate the elusive item. Castiel was pacing around the living room when Dean returned less than a minute later with Castiel’s blue tie draped over one palm. He handed it to him with a smile. “On the bed, where you left it.” Dean swept his knuckles lightly over Castiel’s cheek to let him know he was only teasing.

Castiel blushed, wrapping it around his neck with trembling fingers.

“Sorry.”

Dean had been living in the house for just four days and it was already starting to feel like home. He offered to take Castiel out as a thank you. It seemed to mean so much to him, looking like a nervous prom date while he struggled to fasten his tie. He kept undoing it and refastening it. Dean could see his frustration build every time he failed to get it right. Dean watched him for a while before moving in and gently brushing Castiel’s hands aside, taking both ends of silk and wrapping it into a knot before pulling it tight under his chin. Dean turned Castiel's collar, running deft fingers over the tips to flatten it down.

“There, perfect.”

Castiel was staring up at him when he pulled away, full black irises fixed on Dean’s mouth.

“Thank you.” Dean thought he saw a flicker of light behind those eyes while they gazed at each other, a sudden surge of heat crashing through his veins. He stepped back with a cough.

“Just gonna take a quick shower and then we can get going, yeah?” His voice was rough and low. Castiel just nodded. “Reservation is for eight. I won’t be long. Try not to mess up the tie before I get back.”

_____

Dean made good on his promise and was ready in less than twenty minutes. The taxi dropped them off outside the restaurant at a quarter to. Dean arranged for a pick up at eleven before he got out, moving around the back to open the door for Castiel. Dean offered him his hand, helping him to step out on the pavement. Castiel slipped his arm through the crook of Dean's elbow. He tensed, eyes flashing quickly up and down the street. Castiel pulled his arm away.

“It’s okay if you don’t want me to touch you in public. I understand.”

Dean tutted, pulling Castiel’s arm back through his own.

“Shut up.”

Castiel smiled, tightening his grip around Dean’s wrist.

“Okay.”

There was that unfamiliar feeling again. A fire storming through Castiel's body whenever Dean asserted his authority. They walked up the steps together, soon ushered to a small table in one corner. Castiel was watching the hypnotic flicker of evening lights through the window while Dean went to the bar to get them a drink. Castiel saw many people pass by but he couldn’t think about anything except Dean, and how unbelievably lucky he was to have him. It seemed like a lifetime ago since he was patiently admiring him lying in hospital. Silently hoping and wishing that one day he would be able to touch him. Castiel was still smiling when Dean put a full glass in front of him.

“Penny for them.” He said softly.

“I’m not sure you would want to know.” Castiel laughed. Dean made a noise of approval in the back of his throat when he swallowed a mouthful of beer.

“That means you were either thinking bad thoughts about me or - ” Dean leaned in close. Castiel could feel warm breath move against the side of his face. “You were thinking very bad thoughts about me.”

“Dean!” Castiel exclaimed. Dean waggled his eyebrows at him over the top of his glass while Castiel shuffled uncomfortably in his seat, face drenched with a pink glow. Dean couldn’t be sure if it was the comment or the alcohol. Possibly both.

Castiel was on his second beer by the time their starter arrived. He even let Dean order for him, nodding politely at the waiter when he slid a plate in front of him. Dean reached forward and covered Castiel’s hand with his own before picking up a fork.

“Close your eyes.” Castiel complied immediately, nervously clutching his hands together under the table. “Open your mouth.” Dean’s commands were having a remarkably profound effect on him, pretty sure the feeling was escalating in proportion to the amount of beer he consumed. Castiel felt the warmth rise up his chest and spread across the base of his jaw. He desperately wanted to loosen his tie, parting his lips and running the tip of his tongue over them in anticipation. He thought he heard Dean suck in a breath. “Wider, Cas.”

He opened up his mouth, lips shining in the faint amber glow of candle light. Castiel felt the sensation of something soft and moist on the end of his tongue, hesitating when Dean teased his mouth wider by seductively wiggling the piece of food before pushing it in. Castiel pulled it off with his teeth and chewed it carefully so he could taste the abundance of flavours bursting over his tongue. He opened his eyes to see Dean staring at him across the table while he finished off the last mouthful.

“Impressive.” Castiel was now feeling the confidence that normally came after downing two beers. He looked up at Dean through dark lashes. “I wasn’t talking about the food.”

Dean blushed, dropping the fork gracelessly on the table. Castiel was shamelessly rubbing Dean’s leg, and gradually moving up the inside of his thigh. He dug his fingertips into the crease between the top of his leg and the dip just underneath his dick. Dean jumped sharply with a shocked _Whoa!_ and banged both knees on the bottom of the table. The cutlery bounced and clattered together while he stifled a laugh and glanced anxiously around the other tables to see if anyone noticed.

“Jesus, Cas. How many beers have you had?”

Castiel raised his half empty glass.

“Not enough.”

Dean shook his head, something warm creeping up inside his chest.

“Yeah, well. I am _not_ carrying you home, so just think on.” Dean stopped laughing when he realized what he said. Castiel looked serious.

“It could be your home. If you want it to be.”

“Yeah. I know, Cas.” Dean didn't look up from his plate.

_____

A very disheartened Castiel sank another four beers before they even finished dessert, insisting on finishing it all off with a large brandy. Dean could see how flushed his face was when he drained the last drop.

“Come on, lush.” Dean laughed when they got up to leave. He had to steady Castiel by the arm when they got outside, a fresh breeze assaulting them on the almost deserted street. They were standing together under a broken street lamp when the car pulled up. Dean bundled Castiel into the back and fastened the seat belt across his chest. Castiel had a crooked smile on his face, a combination of happiness and intoxication. Dean made sure he was propped up safely before getting in front to direct the driver.

By the time they reached the house, Castiel had progressed to the sleeping phase. Dean had to shake him several times before he was conscious enough to get out of the car. He leaned heavily into Dean’s side while they walked towards the house. Castiel was fumbling aimlessly for the door key but Dean soon gave up on waiting for him. He reached behind Castiel and stuck both hands in his back pockets. Castiel made a low sound that vibrated through his body, quickly wrapping his arms around Dean’s waist and pulling him in. He started sucking noisy kisses to the skin of his neck. Dean searched in his pockets for the key while he was suitably distracted. As soon as he found it, Dean tried to wriggle one arm free to lift it up and push it into the lock. Castiel was hanging off him while Dean maneuvered their bodies together, one hand searching blindly for the key slot and the other holding him upright.

“Dude, not helping.”

When Dean eventually managed to unlock it, they almost fell into the hallway when the door flung open with the combined weight of their bodies. Dean stumbled forward with a curse before steadying himself on the bottom of the stairs. Dean tried to coax Castiel upstairs to get him into bed so he could sleep it off. Guiding him into the bedroom with a bit of effort. Dean started to pull at the tie to remove it, having to work around Castiel constantly grabbing at him and making little thrums of desire every time Dean came too close. He managed to keep Castiel's hands down by his sides long enough to unbutton his shirt as well. Castiel made no attempt to take it off, so Dean spread him out untidily on the bed and started to undo his belt buckle. Castiel suddenly lunged forward, draping both arms around Dean’s neck so he was jerked towards him. His grip was so tight, Dean was fixed above him. Castiel closed his eyes and tipped his head back.

“Love you, Dean. I _fucking_ love you.” His voice was lazy, words slurred. Dean just stared at him unblinking. He abandoned the undressing and just lifted Castiel's legs up onto the bed, folding the sheet over him so he was covered up to his chest. “Dean.” Castiel tried again. He was on the very edge of consciousness.

“You’re drunk, Cas. Go to sleep.” Dean switched out the light, stopping in the doorway for a second to let his gaze linger over the outline of Castiel’s body. He sighed and pulled the door closed. “Night.”

_____

Castiel woke up to a blinding pain behind one eye. He groaned miserably and rubbed one hand across his face, fingers brushing against the rough texture of untended stubble. The space next to him was empty. Morning sunlight hurt his eyes, not daring to move too quickly in case he threw up. Castiel lifted up the sheet and looked down at his body in various stages of undress. He groaned again and flopped back against the pillow, snatches of hazy memories playing in his mind. He tentatively threw back the cover and sat up on the edge of the bed. Castiel caught a glimpse of his sallow complexion and spectacularly disheveled hair in the reflection of the window. He stood up, flinching in response to a sudden burst of pain shooting down the side of his face. He wandered downstairs feeling sick and dizzy. When he reached the hall, Castiel saw Dean sitting up on the couch with his jacket thrown over half his body. He had dark circles under both eyes and his normally well groomed tousle was almost flat.

“Morning.”

“Hey, Cas. You feeling alright?” Dean sounded tired.

“I’ll live.” Castiel huffed quietly, heart beating fast. “You didn’t come to bed last night.” Dean only hummed in answer, mouth set in a tight line for a few seconds of tense silence. “Why?” Castiel could feel the panic starting to rise in his stomach, not sure if it was from the hangover or Dean’s cold expression.

“Couldn’t sleep.”

Castiel stared at the floor with his hands wound together in front of him.

“Did I say something last night?”

“You don’t remember?”

“Not really.”

Dean fidgeted with the hem of his jacket where it rested over one leg.

“You… you, er… told me you loved me.”

“Oh.” Castiel inhaled a sharp breath, not sure what else to say. He wasn’t going to take it back. “Sorry.”

Green eyes flicked up quickly.

“Sorry because you didn’t mean it, or sorry because it kept me up all night?”

Castiel was starting to fold under the pressure.

_Shit. Which one do you want me to say?_

Dean’s gaze was steady, demanding a response.

“Whichever one you want it to be.”

“That’s not a fucking answer.” Dean sighed when Castiel reached out a shaky hand to touch his shoulder, still trying to read his face when he sat down beside him. “Cas.” Dean began hesitantly. “Messin' around and thinking you might be _in love_ is one thing, but that’s some serious shit. You were totalled last night. I’m not sure you would have said it otherwise.”

“I don’t understand.” Castiel murmured, in confusion. “You want it, then you don’t want it. You can’t seem to make up your mind and I never know what you want from me. Do you want me to pretend I didn’t mean it?” Dean threw his head into his hands.

“No. You don’t get it, I _do_ know what I want.” Dean got so agitated, he jumped up from the couch. “I need some air.”

“Dean - ” Castiel already felt like hell, and now everything just seemed so much worse. “This is my last day before I have to go back to work. I really wanted to spend it with you.” Dean didn’t look up while he pulled on his boots and wrapped his jacket around his shoulders. “Dean?” Castiel was on the verge of tears. He felt horrible when he watched Dean’s back disappear out the front door before slamming it behind him. Castiel’s shoulders slumped. He curled up in one corner of the couch, eyes shining with emotion. Leaning into the space where Dean was sitting and just catching the lingering scent of worn leather.

_____

Castiel could feel someone shaking him awake. He must have fallen back to sleep against the arm of the couch and his whole body ached. He blinked his eyes open to see a hazy vision of Dean’s face watching him carefully.

“What time is it?” He yawned.

“Just after eleven, sit up.” Castiel did as he was asked, swinging both legs around while Dean knelt down in front of him and put both hands on Castiel's knees. There was something about the warmth in his voice that made Castiel sit up a little straighter. Dean reached forward, tenderly cupping Castiel's cheek in one hand. His face crumpled straight away so Dean pulled him close and stroked gentle fingers through his hair. “Sorry. I’m sorry, Cas.”

Castiel whimpered into his shoulder. When he pulled back, Dean could see his eyes were wet.

“I don’t… know what you… want me to say.” Words coming out brokenly through rushed gasps of air, inhaling between muffled sobs. Dean looked calmer now, but there was a hint of desperation behind his eyes.

“I need you to say it again. I need to hear it.” Castiel looked at him in surprise. Time just seemed to stop while he held the gaze steady and wrapped both arms around Dean’s neck. He leaned so close, their foreheads were almost touching.

“ _I love you_.” It was whispered into Dean’s mouth like a prayer and they sat like that for several long seconds. Dean gripped Castiel's knees a little tighter and sat back on his heels, reaching up to take both of Castiel’s hands in his own.

“I am sorry, baby.” Dean saw Castiel smile through bleary eyes. “I know you mean it. Don’t know if I can say it back yet. I never said it to anyone.” Castiel shook his head.

“It’s okay.”

Dean smiled back, shuffling forward awkwardly on his knees and nudging Castiel’s legs apart so he could fit his body in the space between them. Dean rubbed both hands along the inside of Castiel’s thighs.

“Right. Get your shit together, Novak. We’re going out.”

_____

Dean ran his hands over the Impala like a caress, careful not to dull the sheen that glistened on her in the sunlight. He clapped Castiel on the shoulder.

“Ha. My other baby. Come on, Cas. Let me show you what it’s like to be in a real car.”

Castiel laughed.

“Yes, Dean. It’s very pretty.”

“You know it. Get in.” Castiel climbed into the front seat and admired the leather finish. Dean turned the key, and rested his hands on the steering wheel. He closed his eyes, savouring the sound of a purring engine while it ticked over.

“Where are we going?” Castiel asked, after a pause. Dean winked at him.

“You’ll see.”

They drove aimlessly for a while. Castiel had the window rolled down, fresh breeze a welcome release from the heat of the early summer haze outside. He could feel the sunlight touch his face. Pleasant scent of blossom hanging in the air. The car eventually shuddered to a stop, a flurry of dust spraying up from underneath the tyres when they ground into the road. Dean leaned across to press a soft kiss to Castiel’s cheek. He got out, scooting to the other side to lean through the window. Castiel eyed him suspiciously when Dean bumped the ends of their noses together.

“Hey. I _do_ know what I want, okay?”

Dean opened his mouth over Castiel’s, tilting his head to one side so he could glide his tongue into the space between his lips. Their mouths slid together around vibrating sounds of pleasure. When they finally pulled away from each other, Castiel figured out where they were.

“Hey, this is that Hunter place.”

Dean smiled.

“Yep. Hunter’s Point, Cas. I want to make it our place. This is where I realized I was in love with you, remember?” Castiel sighed happily when he got out the car, slipping off his jacket and throwing it untidily on the back seat. He stretched out his legs.

“That’s sweet, Dean.”

Dean kicked at the dirt with the toe of his boot until it was covered in red dust. He shrugged.

“Too much?”

“Never.” Castiel replied, scrunching up his nose affectionately when Dean tried to hide a shy smile.

“Well, come on anyways. We can sit by the edge and dip our feet in. Let’s hope there are no big fat sharks!” Dean yelled over his shoulder, running away down the bank and almost out of view. Castiel started to chase him, but he was no match for the grip of Dean’s work boots. Castiel stumbled and slipped after Dean, laughing while he tried to reach him. Dean made it to the edge of the water first and caught Cas around his middle when he careered into him. Dean spun him around, lifting him effortlessly in the air. Castiel captured the image in his head forever.

Dean’s head was tipped back, sunlight dancing on his face and lighting up his freckles. His mouth was fixed in a perfect, genuine smile when he choked out a warm laugh and set Castiel back on the ground. Dean still had both arms cradled around his waist, staring into his eyes. Castiel thought he was going to say something profound, but Dean just slapped him playfully on the butt instead.

They wandered down to a little broken jetty that jutted out a few feet into the water. Castiel sat down at the end and removed his shoes, lining them up neatly side by side before he started to roll up his trousers until they were wrapped snuggly over his knees. He dangled a cautious toe into the lake, but it was surprisingly warm so he plopped both feet in and wiggled his toes under the surface. Dean sat down behind him and wrapped one leg either side of his hips, shuffling forward until Castiel’s back was flush against his chest. Dean curled his arms around him and buried his chin in the dip of Castiel's shoulder. Steady rise and fall of Dean's breath skimming over the skin of his cheek.

“I like it here.”

“Me too. Our place, Cas. Always.”

Dean hugged him even tighter when Castiel leaned back into his embrace. He didn’t think he'd ever been more content in his entire life.

_____

Dean got up after an hour to rub the back of his thighs and get the blood flowing again. Castiel turned at the sudden loss of warm arms around him and pulled his feet out the water. Dean offered to help him up. Castiel picked up his shoes in one hand but refused to let go of Dean with the other, slipping their fingers together and grinning stupidly at each other all the way back to the car. Dean opened Castiel’s door for him, letting his gaze linger on that perfect ass for a few seconds when Castiel reached over to the back seat to grab his jacket. Silently nodding to himself in approval. He started the engine and reversed haphazardly back down the narrow track. Castiel gripped his hands on the dashboard with a pained look on his face.

“Dean, I still have a beer headache.”

“Sorry.” He slowed down to spin the Impala around until they were back on the main road. Castiel leaned back, spreading one hand across his stomach with a groan. “Well, that’s put paid to what I had planned for the rest of the afternoon.” Dean let out an exaggerated sigh of disappointment and glanced over at his passenger to make sure he wasn’t going to ruin the upholstery. Castiel opened one eye and looked at him sideways.

“Oh?”

Dean smiled to himself. Castiel was never very good at hiding his curiosity.

“Yeah. I know this little place about ten miles east.” Dean pretended to be disinterested, gaze fixed on the road. “But hey, if you don’t wanna go, that’s cool.” Castiel narrowed his eyes and started to smile.

“I didn’t say that. What place?” He was starting to feel better already. The idea Dean had planned for them to go somewhere together sent a little surge of warmth singing through his chest.

“How 'bout I just drive?” Dean laughed. Castiel nodded enthusiastically, shifting around until he was leaning sideways so he could look at Dean’s face while he focused on the road. After about fifteen minutes, Castiel could see a bright circle of lights in the distance. He propped himself up in his seat with excitement when he saw people moving between brightly coloured stalls. The unmistakable aroma of diesel fumes drifted through the air vents.

“Dean.” Castiel gasped in awe. “I haven’t been to a carnival since I was a little boy.” He reached across the space between them and rested his hand on top of Dean’s. “Thank you.”

 _Kudos points for you, Winchester._ Dean thought, parking up in an empty slot at the main entrance. They wandered around for a while just taking in the atmosphere. Castiel was childlike in his fascination as they walked around the stalls. He investigated everything, delighting in the sights and sounds that surrounded them. He was smiling the whole time, and it was wonderful.

“Cas, come on. There must be something you wanna go on.” Dean insisted.

“I don’t think my stomach would agree, but I can watch you. What about that?” Castiel pointed to a shooting range a few metres away. Dean grabbed him by the elbow and dragged him over to the pitch while he pulled out his wallet from the back pocket of his jeans.

“Hell, yeah. I’ll win you something.” He grinned. Castiel gave him a patient nod. Dean already paid and was loading the gun before Castiel even caught him up.

“Come on then, hot shot.” Castiel laughed, settling himself in front of the stall. “Let’s see what you got.”

Dean grunted in the back of his throat and lifted the rifle to his shoulder, closing one eye to line up the target. He fired three times in quick succession and hit the mark with each one. Castiel blushed shamelessly when Dean thrust a pink floppy-eared rabbit into his arms. They walked slowly until they got to the other side of the park. Dean munched on a foot-long hot dog, laden with fried onions and a ridiculous amount of mustard. Castiel shook his head politely when Dean offered him the other end, really beginning to regret the amount of alcohol he consumed the night before.

Dean tried his hand at a few more games of skill before they went into the mirror maze together. He was wiping the back of his hand across his eyes from laughing so hard when they finally came out, bending over to catch his breath. Castiel was next to him with the stuffed rabbit tucked awkwardly under one arm. His smile quickly faded when he saw Dean suddenly clutch his hand to his chest, staring up at Castiel with fear in his eyes. Castiel rushed over to Dean, clumsily catching him when he fell forward on his knees. Dean was begging for air, colour almost completely drained from his face. Castiel could feel the rapid pulse of a heartbeat in his neck while he held him. Dean's mouth was contorted in agony. Pressing a closed fist into the dip of his ribs in a futile attempt to relieve the pain.

“Dean?” Castiel felt a surge of panic flow through his body. Dean was coughing and gasping for breath while Castiel just gaped at him in horror. “Shit. Dean, what do I do? Dean?” Castiel cried out brokenly, desperate for him to respond. Blue eyes were frantically searching Dean’s face for some flicker of recognition. Dean swallowed hard to suppress an overwhelming nausea while his breathing slowly returned to normal. “What happened?” Castiel whispered, hot tears of relief stinging the corners of his eyes. He slipped both arms around Dean's neck and leaned into him.

“I’m okay.” It was several long minutes before Dean felt well enough to stand. “I just went a bit dizzy, is all.”

Castiel was holding Dean up against his side, reluctant to admit he needed the help. They walked slowly back to the car. Castiel was completely silent all the way back to the parking lot, expression never changing when Dean tried to make light of his unexpected collapse. He was just making small talk, constantly deflecting Castiel’s despondent gaze with forced smiles. Both of them knew it was a warning. They got into the car quietly and shared a dark journey back to the house after Dean insisted he was perfectly alright to drive. Castiel stared out the window, gaze fixed on the colourless and indistinct blur of the countryside as it streaked past. He tried to focus on something else to stop emotion leaking out his eyes.

_____

As soon as they got back to the house Castiel made Dean sit on the couch with his feet up, despite his frustrated protests. He slapped Castiel's hands away when he tried to remove his boots.

“Stop it, Dean.” Castiel muttered in irritation.

“Cas, I can take off my own fucking boots.”

Castiel completely ignored him, distracting himself to try and ease the pain in his chest. Castiel propped up a couple of pillows behind Dean's head and gently eased him back with a tender press against his shoulders. Dean already knew Castiel well enough to just go along with it when he was anxious. Castiel left him splayed out on the couch and marched through to the kitchen to busy himself with making coffee. Dean could hear him muttering to himself and clattering the cups together when he set them down on the counter. He spilled the whole spoonful of tiny grains over the worktop because his hand was shaking so badly. He cursed again and scraped them up with little consideration for the chestnut coloured smudge that was left. Castiel had obviously come to a private decision in his head when he came back through to the living room. He was staring at Dean with a very serious expression.

“I’m not going back to work.” Castiel said suddenly. Dean stared at him in disbelief.

“ _What?_ ”

“I said, I’m not going back to work. I’m staying here to look after you.”

Dean blinked and shook his head.

“No, Cas. I’m fine.” He lied almost effortlessly, hating to see Castiel so upset. _I'm supposed to be the strong one._ “It was probably just indigestion or something. There was an awful lot of mustard on that hot dog.” Castiel narrowed his eyes. “I mean it, you’re not giving up on my account.”

“Dean.” There was something desperately frightened in his voice. “I'm not going back. I want to take care of you. That can be my job now.”

“But how would you live? At least take a damn second to think about it.” Dean cursed himself in his head for sounding so mercenary. Castiel clearly wanted this - for him. Dean heard resignation creep into his own voice when he tried to convince him. “But you love that job.” He added quietly.

Castiel kneeled at Dean’s side.

“I love _you._ You mean more to me than anything, Dean. I really want to do this. Please, let me do this.” Castiel looked so vulnerable, supplicated on his knees in front of him and begging for consent, Dean felt himself slowly relenting. “I don’t need the money. I have thousands of dollars in a savings account. It was left to me by my father.” Castiel looked almost ashamed to admit it. “I never touched it. It seems stupid to refuse it now just because I wouldn’t let go of a bit of senseless pride.”

Dean was speechless knowing Castiel was prepared to abandon lifelong principles just to take care of him.

“I guess.”

Castiel dared a small smile.

“I’m not sure what happened back there, but I don’t ever want to see that again. You really scared me.”

Dean nodded, ignoring the treacherous thoughts.

_I scared myself._

“Okay.” Dean agreed softly. Castiel threw himself forward and hugged him tight. “Sure you can put up with me twenty four hours a day?” Dean managed a warm and tender laugh that helped fight all the raw anxiety settled in Castiel's stomach.

“I’ll try.” Castiel lifted one hand to touch Dean's cheek, sealing the plump mouth with a chaste press of lips like Dean was the most precious thing he could ever imagine.

_____

Castiel was out for most of the following morning while he left Dean sleeping. Sorting out all the necessary paperwork that would change his banking details and determine how he would be paying the bills from that day on. Castiel reluctantly promised Dean he would resign properly but was adamant he had no intention of working his time out. Dean knew how hard Cas worked for his career and felt really guilty for being the one to take that away from him.

Castiel looked up from the book he was reading at the kitchen table. He picked it up after leaving Dean dozing on the couch after a heavy lunch.

“What?” Castiel gave him a curious smile when he saw Dean’s eyes were fixed on him. Dean stretched out lazily, spreading one hand over his stomach.

“What about your friends, Cas?”

Castiel sighed, patiently setting the book on the table upside down so he didn’t lose his place.

“Dean, we’ve had this conversation already. Please don’t keep bringing it up. It’s done, and I’m perfectly happy with my decision.” Dean mumbled something into his chest. “What’s the matter?” Dean arched his neck, huffing another wordless grumble and turning over so he was lying on his side and facing the back of the couch. Castiel couldn’t resist a small smile at how transparent Dean’s bids for his attention really were. It was like placating a small child. Castiel pushed his chair back, watching Dean’s shoulders tense when he heard him walk across the kitchen floor. He shuffled over a bit more until his face was pressed up against the cushions, making small snuffling sounds like he was on the verge of sleep. Castiel reached out his hand and tenderly rested it on one shoulder.

“Dean?” Castiel tried to coax him into turning around. The only response was a grunt of disapproval. Castiel decided to try another approach, leaning in close to blow a stream of warm breath across the back of Dean’s neck. He saw his shoulders hitch. Pleased with this small success, Castiel moved his lips to the curve of Dean's ear and did it again. He thought he heard a low moan rumble into the cushion. Castiel continued to ghost his lips dangerously close to Dean’s skin, whispering his name into the hollow of his ear before running a wet tongue across it where it arced into his hair. Dean abandoned the pretense and turned to make a grab for Castiel, fixing one hand on the back of his head to bring him close enough so the ends of their noses were almost touching. Castiel smiled into Dean’s mouth. “What’s the matter?” He asked again. Dean sighed, letting his shoulders slump.

“Cas, I feel fucking useless.” Dean admitted.

“Is _that_ what all this is about?”

Dean jerked his head back.

“It’s important to me.” He looked so dejected, Castiel imagined he saw a faint pout developing on his mouth. “You do everything. You cook, you clean, you pay all the bills. You take real good care of me, and I can’t even give you - ” Dean snapped his mouth shut, but Castiel already picked up on his hesitation.

“What?”

Dean dropped his head, running the edge of his shirt between trembling fingers.

“There’s only like one thing I can actually do for you - and I don’t know if I can 'cause now you think I'm gonna drop dead or something - and I don’t even know if you're ready for that - and I don’t know if I'm ready for that - and we sleep together every night and it’s real nice, an' all - but we don’t actually _sleep_ together and I feel like I want to but then sometimes I don’t, 'case I completely fuck it up - and I don’t know but I think I really fucking want you and I just don’t know what to do.” Dean knew he was babbling but it kept spilling out anyway until he was eventually silenced by the look of disbelief on Castiel’s face. His eyes were shining, soft blush dotting his cheekbones. Castiel swallowed hard when Dean bit the inside of his cheek, still fiddling with the hem and cursing himself in his head for evolving into an emotional wreck in less than a week.

“Dean.” Castiel stumbled. “You told me _you_ weren’t ready. That’s the only reason I haven’t mentioned it. I was waiting on you. I've wanted to give myself to you since the first moment I saw you.” He made the point by sliding the tip of his tongue across Dean’s lower lip, gasping in surprise when Dean pushed back hard against Castiel’s mouth and slipped one hand inside the front of his pants to stroke the skin just above his cock. Castiel dragged Dean off the couch with a force he didn't know he possessed, mouths still locked together while they staggered through the hallway and moved up the stairs.

The bedroom door hardly closed behind them before Dean was grabbing for Castiel’s wrists, holding his arms behind his back while he pushed his hips against him. Dean dipped his head to suck at the skin of Castiel's neck, feeling a sudden sting of pain when Dean nipped just hard enough to leave a mark.

“God, I wanna fuck you.” His voice was so low and seductive, Castiel shivered when Dean pushed the tips of his fingers down his shorts. He was staring at Castiel’s mouth with a fire burning behind those green eyes. Castiel didn’t realize his breath was hitching until he felt Dean moan softly against him, leaning in to lap flirtatiously at his lower lip. “Make me hard, Cas.” Dean felt Castiel’s dick jerk against his fingertips when he breathed his first command. Dean recently noticed little signs that told him how well Castiel responded to direction. He knew exactly what it meant. Dean pulled a handful of hair into his fist, growing bolder with every fresh surge of arousal when Castiel keened in his grasp. “You like that?" Dean could feel Castiel attempt to nod under his hand, never expecting to find submissive behaviour quite so stimulating. _Fuck._ "Do as you’re told, don’t you?”

Castiel dropped to his knees, dragging Dean’s hand down with him while his fingers were still twisted roughly in his hair. He was looking up at Dean with his hands still clasped behind his back, lips wet with slick. Dean circled one finger around the edges of Castiel’s mouth and dipped the very tip inside, spit starting to fill his mouth. Dean could feel blood rush into his cock when it pulsed with desire. It pressed so hard against the inside of his jeans, he reluctantly pulled his finger away from Castiel’s lips with a curse and rubbed his palm down it.

Castiel was breathing heavily, shifting restlessly from one knee to the other. Dean could hear him making little mewling noises in the back of his throat. Dean abandoned rubbing at his own erection to brush his hand against Castiel’s cheek. Dean dragged wet fingers across the coarse stubble, pushing Castiel's shirt aside with the back of one hand. He spread it wide, wrapping it around Castiel's throat while searching fingers dug into soft and responsive flesh. Castiel was staring up at him, the brilliant blue of his eyes almost lost behind full black circles. His face was resting in the dip of Dean’s hand, still holding him possessively around the neck. Dean could feel the rapid pulse of his heartbeat under his palm. He pulled Castiel up from his knees and crushed his lips against him, holding his body still while he licked around the edges of his mouth. Pulling away to sweep a damp tongue in wide stripes across his cheeks, his eyes and the tip of his chin. Dean ran it along every part of his face while the lust began to build inside him until Castiel's face was shining with Dean’s spit. He didn’t even attempt to wipe it away.

Dean groaned shamelessly when he took in the sight, reaching out again to smear saliva over Castiel's throat with one thumb. He pulled it down across his chest, encouraged by the soft little gasps of want that escaped Castiel's lips. Dean bent his head and started to suck an open mouthed kiss to the base of his neck. Pinching at the skin with his teeth as he moved his hand down Castiel’s stomach, tugging aggressively at his belt with a deep sound that rumbled through his chest and across Castiel’s skin. It was dangerously close to animalistic and it sent Castiel spiralling into raw passion, clutching and clawing at Dean while he marked him.

Dean pulled hard at the fastener. Castiel understood what he wanted and reached down to help Dean undo his pants, zipper pushed down by the force of Dean yanking at it in his haste to undress him. It wasn’t even open before Dean roughly thrust his hand inside and fumbled for Castiel’s dick. Dean rubbed and pawed at him until he managed to get his fingers around it, other hand still curved around the arc of Castiel’s neck.

“Come here.” Dean ordered, soon as Castiel's cock was wrenched free. Lifting him up until they were facing each other. Castiel swallowed hard around the tightness in his throat when he felt Dean’s fingers press into his skin. Dean licked and sucked at him until Castiel couldn't hold back any longer. He wriggled free of his pants while he let Dean maul at him, wet arousal leaking from the tip of his cock. Dean looked down when he ran his hands over Castiel’s body. He could see the spread of a damp spot forming on the front of his boxers, and that was it. “Bed - now.”

Castiel whimpered softly, letting Dean guide him with one hand while he flicked open his own button. Wondering why he waited so long to make Castiel his own. Dean edged him closer to the bed until the back of his knees were pressing against the edge. Castiel fell on his back and watched Dean move over him, twisting his body to allow his jeans to slide free. Dean climbed on top of Castiel and forced his legs apart to accommodate the spread of his own hips between them, pressing down until their cocks were rubbing together, separated only by a layer of damp material. Castiel closed his eyes and allowed himself to feel the smouldering heat build while Dean rucked against him, small beads of sweat forming in the arch of his back when he dipped his head to suck a dark mark into Castiel’s throat. He curved up towards Dean in a gesture of surrender.

Dean grabbed the inside of Castiel’s thigh before lifting it up to wrap it tightly around his waist. He angled Castiel beneath him, skating his fingers down and pulling the shorts to one side. Teasing the skin with sweeping strokes. Castiel pushed his rigid cock up against Dean, more than enough to transform the gentle movement into a desperate push of Dean's hand down to stimulate the rim of his hole. Castiel tried to push his body against Dean’s fingers, but he moved his hand away to cup his balls. Castiel wasn't sure if the hesitation was from nervousness or a desire to make him beg for Dean to take him. Castiel mumbled Dean's name into his shoulder when he turned his head to gain access to his neck. Dean quickly swallowed the sound and hushed him with his tongue. He covered Castiel’s mouth with one hand while his eyes travelled down the other man’s body, soon fixed on the peak of material pushed up by his erection. Dean groaned, sliding his body down the bed so he could trace along the skin of Castiel’s stomach. He reached the top of his shorts and pulled at them with his teeth until he managed to get them over Castiel’s hips, pushing them off with his feet when Dean climbed back up. Castiel instinctively turned over and propped himself up on his arms so his hips were lifted up, lowering his head submissively.

Dean leaned in until his chest was covering Castiel’s back, reaching under his body with trembling fingers and daring to stroke the ends of them up and down the shaft of his cock. Castiel was digging his hands into the sheets, relentlessly pushing his hips back when his senses were overcome by the need to have Dean inside him. Dean was watching every movement of his body as the push of his hips stretched his hole open a little more, thrusting his ass up towards Dean in silent permission. Dean grabbed him, holding his body in position while he rose up on his knees and pressed the tip of his cock against Castiel's hole. Wet heat rubbing against his skin when he let out a low moan that trailed off into Dean’s name. Castiel sighed into the pillow.

“You want this, Cas?” Dean breathed in his ear, taking his own cock in one hand and sliding it gradually up and down. Castiel just nodded with his face buried in cotton. Dean thought he heard him consent but he knew enough to know he should prepare Castiel better, especially for his first time. As much as he was caught up in the moment, Dean really didn’t want to hurt him. He pressed down on his back to ease him lower. He wanted to be sure. “Cas?” Dean tried again. Castiel hitched his hips up and pushed back.

“Dean, please…” Castiel lifted his head so Dean could see the look in his eyes. “I want to feel it. Want to know tomorrow how hard you fucked me - please."

The words washed over Dean, all the assent he needed to take him. Dean smeared pre-come already leaking from his cock over the rim of Castiel’s hole in the hope it would let him slide in more easily. He tried to hold back, but wanted it so badly he couldn’t stop himself. The sight of Castiel’s ass spattered with his own arousal pushed out everything else, and Dean gently slid the tip of his cock inside. Slowly sinking in as carefully as he could over the want rushing through his veins.

Castiel tensed when Dean breached his entrance, letting out a quiet cry of pain like he didn't want Dean to hear him. Feeling a sharp sting as Dean opened him up with each smooth slide. Dean’s hips were shaking, muscles in his thighs starting to tighten while he struggled to stay in control. Weeks of new emotions and long, passionate kisses consuming him with the overwhelming sensation of Castiel’s warm body wrapped around his cock. Dean never imagined it would feel so wonderful. Castiel eased himself back, feeling every stretch while Dean continued to edge into him.

Castiel dropped his forehead onto his hands with a groan, tilting his body up so Dean could push in more easily. He could hear his own breaths coming in fast gasps when Dean dug his fingers roughly into his skin and bottomed out. Castiel tried to stifle a cry but it was too much, and Dean stalled for a second. It only took a moment for Castiel to ride out the pain and become lost in desire again. He started to move. Dean could feel his hips pressed tight against the curve of Castiel's ass. Knowing he was deep inside him. Dean reached down and circled the back of Castiel’s neck with one hand and started to thrust in slowly.

“God, it hurts.” He heard Castiel whisper into his hands. Dean didn’t think he was meant to hear it. He could feel the lining of Castiel's body start to grow wet with his slick, making it easier for him to go deeper with every new push. Castiel forced his body back onto Dean’s cock, knuckles starting to turn white where he was hanging on to the bed. Dean plunged in and out of Castiel, orgasm quickly building inside his body. Dean snaked the hand holding Castiel down up into his hair. Coiling his fingers around some of the strands when he pushed in deep. Castiel was moaning loudly, pleasure overcoming pain once more. He was begging Dean over and over to fuck him harder. Dean complied with fast, relentless thrusts and knew he was getting close. Castiel could hear him grunting with exertion every time he drove into him. His hips were juddering while he tried to find a rhythm and hold off his climax for just a little while longer. Castiel was now gripping the sheets with both hands, whole body jostled violently by the force of each thrust.

Dean suddenly grabbed Castiel by the waist and flipped him over onto his back. He was still buried deep inside him when he pinned him to the bed, taking hold of Castiel’s ankles and shoving his legs up so his knees were almost touching his chest. Dean held him down.

“No. I wanna see your face when I come inside you.”

Castiel could feel himself losing control and those words were enough to send him over the edge. He shuddered when he came without warning, hot streaks of it splattering all over his stomach. He gripped onto Dean’s shoulders while he fucked into him, thrusting out his own orgasm and shooting into Castiel with a deep rumble of pleasure. Dean continued to slide into Castiel with shallow movements while he let the sensation subside. Castiel had his eyes closed in bliss, head tipped back against the pillow with his fingers still tight around Dean’s shoulders. He was gasping in deep breaths of air while he just lay there. Dean looked down with a sharp sting of guilt at how easily he dominated Cas. It wasn’t like him. Dean dipped his head low and carefully pulled out. He saw Castiel flinch when he slipped free.

“Sorry.” He murmured, biting the inside of his cheek. Castiel didn’t speak, still too distracted by the feeling of ecstasy. Dean smoothed one hand over Castiel’s stomach, pooling what was left of his release into a small puddle with the dip of his palm. Dean took a deep breath and bent his head. Something about the way Castiel surrendered to him so willingly turned him on more than anything he could remember but he had lost control, and he knew it. Dean pushed the disturbing thought away, dipping the edge of his tongue into the come drying on Castiel's stomach. He licked at it, taking in as much as he could.

Castiel squirmed at the touch, stroking his fingers though Dean’s hair while he sucked the semen into his mouth. Castiel moaned softly at the tenderness, so different from the raw sexual passion just a few moments before. Dean pressed his lips to Castiel's abdomen, tracing a line of kisses up his chest and over his mouth. Blue eyes were shining in the dim light of the room, and Castiel had the most beautiful smile on his face. Dean stroked the side of his cheek and lay down next to him, leaning in close to curve his arm possessively around Castiel's waist. Dean watched him for a while before they were both claimed by weariness. A last stray thought scared Dean as darkness took him. Castiel had unleashed something primal in him that would probably have been better left alone.

_____

Soundtrack Chapter 6: [**I Knew I Loved You** (Savage Garden)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYX0_3wp9aI)


	7. Changes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel learns the disturbing truth about Dean when he returns to the hospital. He tries to hide his concerns but intense emotions spill over and their relationship starts to fall apart. Castiel finds his own way of coping but he misses Dean too much and begs him to come back. Castiel is soon keeping his own dark secrets.

Chapter 7     **Changes**      

Dean jerked awake, eyes opening quickly when he felt Castiel stir against him. Dean gently uncurled his body from the warmth of the man still lying in his arms. Dean smiled. Castiel's face was calm, breathing slow and regular. He looked peaceful. Dean rolled over and picked up his phone. It was just after six. The morning light was faint when he swung his legs out of bed, pulling the sheet up to cover Castiel while he was still sleeping. Dean sat up on the side of the bed, running his hands through messy hair. Unchecked thoughts coming too fast while he tried to work through yesterday in his head. Dean wanted Castiel so bad. Wanted to give him everything, and show him how important he was but his desire had swamped all sense of tenderness and affection. Dean had just wanted to take him, possess him. He got out of bed and headed to the kitchen to put on some coffee.

It was almost an hour before he heard the soft pad of bare feet coming downstairs. Dean jumped up, intending to pour out a fresh cup. Heart beating fast when he sensed Castiel come up behind him and slip his arms around Dean's waist. He lifted himself up on his toes to plant a sweet kiss to the back of Dean's neck.

“Hey.” Castiel breathed the word softly against his skin but Dean didn’t turn around. He reached for the coffee and started to pour some into Castiel’s favourite mug, tightly wrapping his fingers around the handle.

“Hey.” Dean replied quietly, setting the pot back down. “You alright?” Castiel released his arms. 

“I’m fine.” He answered, with a frown Dean knew was on his face without even looking at him. “Are you alright?” Dean passed the coffee over, taking Castiel’s other hand in his own.

“Yeah. I’m good, Cas. I, er - ” Dean hesitated. “Just wanted to apologize.” 

“Apologize? For what?” Dean immediately reached for him again.

“God, no. Not for the sex, Cas. I don’t regret it. That’s not what I meant.” Castiel’s expression softened with relief. “It wasn’t like me. I got caught up in it and… and I wanted it to be special but - ” Dean couldn’t find the right words. Castiel got it.

“Oh.” He blushed. “Dean, you don’t have to say sorry.”

“I don’t?”

“No.” Castiel bit his lip. “It was special. I'm not sure I want you to dominate me so much all the time.” He looked into Dean’s eyes. “But when you’re naked and on top of me, I like it just fine. I mean, I _really_ like it.” Not a kink Castiel knew he had, but even the thought of it made him weak inside. Dean blinked.

“Oh, okay.” He answered blankly, smile starting to lift up one corner of his mouth. The relief was almost tangible. Dean pulled Castiel so close, he could feel heat from the coffee spreading into his chest. He pressed his lips against Castiel's temple and breathed him in. Castiel rested his head against Dean’s shoulder.

Later that morning, Castiel decided he put off going back to the hospital far too long already. He needed to drop in his uniform, and really wanted to say goodbye properly. Dean was more than happy to drive, and even offered to go up to the ward if Castiel wanted him to.

_Definitely not because Dean didn’t want to let him out of his sight. Definitely not that at all._

Castiel was upstairs carefully folding his tunics when Dean walked in and sat down on the bed, watching him smooth down the material with gentle hands.

“Do you actually want me to come with you?” Dean asked cautiously, taking in the movement of Castiel’s slender fingers with interest. Castiel looked at him over one shoulder.

“Of course, Dean, if that’s what you want. But you don’t have to. I wasn’t sure you would want to go back.” Castiel stopped what he was doing and sat beside him. “You spent a lot of time there. I don’t imagine it's a very happy memory.” He patted Dean's knee supportively.

“Shit, Cas. I don’t even remember most of that... it’s fine.” Dean covered Castiel’s hand. “I want to go, really.”

_____

Twenty minutes later they parked up. Heading for the stairwell when Castiel heard someone shout his name. He turned when he recognized a familiar voice, smiling wide when he saw Layton running up behind him. Castiel almost got knocked over when his friend pulled him in for a hug, slapping him hard on the back for good measure. Dean frowned, edging a little closer to his boyfriend. Nudging their shoulders together when he cleared his throat.

“Hey.” Layton sounded surprised. After a brief silence, he held out one hand.

“Dean.”

“Dean. Yeah, of course... sorry. Didn’t expect to see you up and about.” Castiel stared at his friend in confusion. “Sorry. “ Layton stumbled. “I just meant you’re looking well, considering.” He suddenly clammed up when Dean took his hand, holding on a bit longer than necessary with narrowed eyes.

“Considering what?” Dean asked quickly. Layton forced a laugh.

“Nothing, man. Nothing - long shift.” He added, turning his attention back to Castiel. There was something about the way Layton looked at Dean that made an ache behind his ribs. He let it go for now. “So?” Layton smiled. “Come to hang up the scrubs, huh?” Castiel nodded, shifting his focus back to Dean.

“Yes.” He said decisively. “I think I found a much better job.”

Layton glanced between the two men. Castiel was looking up adoringly, and Dean was just staring back, both hands pushed deep in his pockets while he rocked back on his heels. A shy smile starting to spread across his face.

“Yeah, I can see that.” Castiel knew his face was flushed pink, but he didn’t care anymore. Layton tugged at his elbow. “Come on, Romeo.” He laughed. “Let’s get this stuff back up to the ward.” He took the tunics and gestured over his shoulder for his friend to follow him. Dean was close behind, but Castiel waited for him to catch up before gently pushing on his chest.

“It’s okay, Dean. You can stay here, I won’t be long. Go get yourself a cup of coffee from the canteen or something.”

Dean opened his mouth to object, but Castiel was already walking down the corridor with Layton at his side. Dean felt his shoulders slump, sulking off to find a seat in the café while he waited for Castiel to reappear.

 

As soon as they reached the stairs, Castiel grabbed Layton’s arm to turn him round.

“What?” He cried in surprise. 

“What was that about, back there?” Castiel asked. Layton looked at him innocently enough, but he was fiddling with the plastic wrapping, so Castiel knew he was stalling.

“Sorry?”

“I don’t know. Just… you looked surprised to see us. I don’t really understand why.” 

Layton took a deep breath.

“I wasn’t surprised to see you, just Dean.” He whispered, dull ache in Castiel's chest suddenly morphing into stabbing pain.

“What do you mean?” He stammered. Now it was Layton’s turn to look confused. He screwed up his face.

“Cas? Shit, you don’t know.” Castiel could feel his throat closing up, only managing to force out a couple of words. 

“Know what?”

Layton closed his eyes.

“Come with me, there’s something I need to show you.”

By the time they reached the ward, Castiel felt sick. Layton dropped the package on the desk at the station, and signalled for Castiel to join him in the office. He closed the blinds shut so they were hidden from view. Castiel needed to sit down. His legs felt weak, a pool of saliva quickly filling his mouth. Layton rummaged through some files until he found the folder he was hunting for. 

“Here.” Layton said softly, hesitating just for a second before depositing a case file in Castiel’s lap. He lined it up with trembling fingers, reading the name written across the top in marker through blurry eyes.

**WINCHESTER, Dean.**

D.O.B. 01.24.79

Castiel opened the file slowly, quickly scanning the notes on the first page. The more he read, the more the letters dipped in and out of focus. Eyes so full of emotion, he could hardly see. A single tear dropped down his cheek while he read on. He blinked it away and quietly turned the page, scanning the scratchy images. A tragic collection of x-rays and monochrome pictures. After several minutes, Castiel closed the folder without a sound and pushed it away. He didn’t want to look at it anymore.

“I’m so sorry.” Layton offered kindly. “I thought you knew. Dean did.” Castiel pressed his lips together to stop more tears from falling.

“Only the little Dean told me. I knew some, but I had no idea it was this bad. I left before I got chance to review the file.” Castiel bit the inside of his cheek, a hundred sensations washing over him. A contemptible thought suddenly grabbed him. “Wait… Dean _knew_?” Castiel stammered. Layton looked at him with pity in his eyes.

“Yeah, Cas. When Dean saw the specialist, he told him everything.”

Castiel couldn’t speak over fighting every instinct to scream.

_I trusted him. I suppose lying isn’t the same as not telling the whole truth. But I love him. I love him with everything._

The blank white walls suddenly felt too confining. Castiel staggered to stand, balance offset by the weakness in his muscles and the rapid beating of his heart. He felt the sadness shift into frustration, then anger. Anger at the injustice of it all. Anger at Dean for holding that from him. Castiel pushed past Layton and ran out the office, knocking the stack of tunics on the floor when he stumbled past the desk and down the stairs.

Dean was sipping mindlessly from a cup when he saw Castiel sprint through reception and almost throw himself against the double doors in a desperate attempt to reach the street outside. Dean spat his coffee out in surprise and wiped his hand across his face, cursing while he tried to free himself from the space between the table and the seat.

“Cas!” Dean shouted, maneuvering around the obstacles in the canteen. He managed to reach the entrance as the doors swung back, stopping it with his hand before spilling gracelessly onto the pavement. “Hey, wait up. Where you going?” Castiel stopped a few metres up ahead but his back was turned. Dean could see his shoulders shaking. Both arms were rigid at his sides, hands clenched into tight balls while he fisted shaky fingers into his palms. Dean couldn't quite reach him. “Cas?” He tried uncertainly, willing Castiel to turn around. Dean cautiously brushed the tips of his fingers against his back, but he leaned away from the touch and wiped wet streaks from his face. Castiel wrapped both arms around his chest, gaze still fixed on the floor. 

“I want to go home. Just take me home, Dean.”

Dean was staring at him while they walked back to the car, frantic thoughts rushing through his mind while he struggled to piece together the events of the last few minutes. He had nothing.

They drove all the way back in silence. Castiel was gazing absently out the window. Dean wasn’t sure if he was lost in thought or trying to avoid a conversation. They pulled up in front of the house. Castiel got out before Dean even turned off the engine, running up the steps to unlock the door. Leaving it swinging wide so Dean could follow him in. Something was pulling at his insides. Castiel was normally so affectionate and attentive. He let Dean fuck him into submission the day before.

 _What the hell is going on?_ Dean thought, slipping off his jacket and hanging it next to the door. He saw Castiel wander through to the kitchen and take a glass from the cupboard. Lifting himself up on his toes to drag a bottle from the top shelf. He was unscrewing the lid when his eyes flicked over to the photograph of his sister. Her blue eyes stared back at him from the glossy paper.

_Judgment._

Castiel sighed, hand hovering over the bottle top. He turned away and opened it, tossing the cap onto the counter with a flick of his wrist before pouring out a full glass. Dean slowly walked through the hallway until he reached the doorway, leaning up against it with both arms folded over his chest. He didn’t say a word, but Castiel knew his eyes were fixed on him.

“What?” He said bluntly, not even looking at him when Dean didn’t answer. “I just need a drink.”

His tone was softer when he dared a quick glance in Dean’s direction. He was still frowning at him, eyebrows pinched together. A combination of concern and confusion. Castiel tried to get past but Dean’s body was blocking his exit. He reached down to wrap his fingers around one of Castiel’s wrists.

“What are you doing?” Dean asked quietly. He wasn’t holding him particularly tight and Castiel made a futile attempt to pull away, but he was no match in strength. He let his hand drop limp, waiting patiently for Dean to let go. He just didn’t have the energy to fight. Dean could see the weary defeat in his eyes. Castiel still didn’t answer so Dean cupped his face, tilting up his chin. “Cas, what happened?” Dean's voice was so warm and persuasive, Castiel folded. His face started to crumple, bottom lip quivering. Dean pulled Castiel into an almost suffocating hug. “Hey. Hey, come on. What is it?” Dean soothed, running his fingers down Castiel’s back while he breathed against his ear. Dean pressed a kiss to the side of his face. Castiel had a single tear falling down each cheek, leaving milky trails where the salt was drying on his skin. He froze.

_I can’t tell him. I can’t tell him I know he’s dying._

“Have I done something wrong?” Dean asked quietly. He looked so sad, but Castiel couldn’t bring himself to say it.

“No, Dean.” Castiel gave him a shaky explanation, hanging his head to hide his face. He could still feel Dean’s calming strokes up and down his back. “I don’t really know what’s the matter.” Castiel lied. “Maybe I was just emotional about going back to the ward, seeing my friend.” It seemed plausible. Castiel felt Dean’s sigh of relief brush against his cheek. It only made him feel worse.

_____

Castiel was unnaturally quiet for most of the day, every attempt to engage him in conversation met with distracted apathy. Castiel didn’t usually drink much and was always interested in whatever Dean had to say. Now he was on his second large tumbler of vodka by late afternoon and Dean could see he looked pale and tired. He was propped up against the arm of the couch, almost completely curled in on himself with his knees pulled up to his chest. He was staring out the window and cradling the glass between his hands. The book was resting on top of his knees, but Dean knew he hadn’t turned the page for some time. He didn’t even glance when Dean got up, making his way upstairs when he had an idea. He returned a few minutes later and kneeled down in front of Castiel so he had no choice but to look at him. Dean was holding a creased piece of paper.

“What’s that for?” Castiel asked suspiciously, eyes suddenly drawn to the crumpled mess in Dean's hand. He sat up a little straighter and Dean felt a small pulse of success. He had Castiel's attention, if nothing else. Dean shrugged, completely clueless in the paper folding department. Castiel was still too pissed at him to say anything else but the longer he looked into those demanding green eyes, the harder it was to ignore him. Castiel sighed in defeat and took the paper in his hand. Dean dared a small smile, giving Castiel's thigh a seductive squeeze. He was going for cute and needy. It seemed to work. Castiel relented, and almost smiled back. "What were you trying to do?” 

“I want you to show me how to make a butterfly.”

Castiel's smile faded.

“They’re not very easy to do, Dean. You should probably pick something else to start with.”

Dean continued to pout at him, intentionally pushing his fingers a little higher up Castiel’s leg and dangerously close to where his dick was lying limp in his pants. He could feel Castiel tense underneath his touch. Dean knew he probably wasn't in the mood for making out, but he usually submitted to anything once he got aroused. Dean realized how much Castiel fed off him like a drug. Maybe it was wrong to manipulate him like that, but right then it didn't seem to matter.

“Well.” Dean drawled deliberately, hand sliding ever higher. “If you won’t show me, then tell me what they mean. I asked you before at the hospital and you never answered.” Castiel shifted uncomfortably, pulling away and returning his gaze to the window.

“I know. I didn’t want to tell you.” Castiel mumbled under his breath. “I thought you might think it was too much, it’s silly really.” Dean was leaning over Castiel with his head resting in his hands. He gently moved the book away and pushed himself up into Castiel’s lap, stroking his palm against the rapidly swelling cock. Dean lifted his other hand to Castiel’s face, rough stubble under his fingertips just making Dean want to feel it against his lips. He planted a few quick kisses to his neck and across the line of his jaw. Castiel tilted his head back and let Dean run his mouth across the front of his throat. Castiel whimpered with want while Dean rubbed at his dick until he felt it grow hard under his hand. Castiel suddenly pushed Dean’s arm away.

“What?” Dean snapped, wrapping his fingers around the line of Castiel’s cock. He kept playing with it using delicate squeezes and a sweep of his thumb at the tip.

“I don’t feel well, Dean.” Castiel lied, pulling his knees up a little more so Dean was forced to remove his hand. Castiel curved his body into an arc. Dean could see the ridge of his spine through the shirt. Dean sat back on his heels and sighed.

“Cas, just tell me what’s wrong. _Please_.” Castiel was still staring outside, really upset Dean kept something so important from him. He knew. He knew this couldn’t last forever, but Dean let him fall in love with him anyway. Castiel could feel the tears coming again. “Hey.” Dean coaxed. “Let me make you feel good, Cas.” He gently teased Castiel’s knees apart so his legs were wrapped around Dean's back, edging his body forward so he could fit snuggly between the inside of Castiel’s thighs. Spreading them further apart until their hips were almost touching. “I do make you feel good, don’t I?” Dean encouraged quietly, bending his head to mouth along the line of Castiel’s semi through the fabric. Castiel nodded, trying to ignore a tingle of arousal. He was already light-headed from the amount of alcohol he consumed since they returned from the hospital, feeling himself relax when Dean kissed along the shaft with tender caresses.

Castiel's legs fell open when Dean tugged at the top of his pants to pull them down so he had better access to his dick. Dean had every intention of sucking him off right there to get Castiel to tell him what was wrong. Dean knew he withheld a lot from him and genuinely felt guilty about it. Deep down, Dean convinced himself he was trying to protect Castiel from the cold truth as long as he could. If he ignored it, maybe it would make it all disappear somehow. They could be happy. His thoughts rushed back to the present when Dean suddenly felt Castiel’s fingers twist in his hair. He was starting to make small, desperate thrusts against Dean’s mouth once he gave himself over to the pleasure rising up inside his body.

“Come on, baby. Let me make it good.” Dean whispered against his dick while Castiel’s pants started to slide down over his ass. It might have been the alcohol, or the lingering bitterness of pain from finding out the truth, but there was something hurtful about the way Dean murmured that word against him.

“Fuck you, Dean.” Castiel spat through clenched teeth. Dean’s eyes flicked up. He looked stunned. “You only call me that when you want something.” Dean pulled his mouth away. Castiel was still underneath him, breathing heavily. Dean wasn’t sure if he was aroused or mad. Maybe both.

“What?” Dean asked, suddenly hostile. Heart beating a little faster. Castiel was right, but that didn’t mean Dean had to like it.

“You _do_.” Castiel cried shakily, eyes filling with frustrated and angry tears. Part of him felt betrayed by the promise of Dean’s affection, knowing it would soon be ripped away from him. He wanted to scream. “You think I’m stupid, but I’m not. You think I don’t know what you’re trying to do? Well I do, so fuck you.” Castiel tried to clamber over the top of Dean in a futile attempt to run upstairs and cry himself to sleep, but something fierce reared up inside Dean and took over all logical thought. He was caught, snared like an animal in a trap of his own making. He grabbed for Castiel’s shirt when he tried to get past. Dean slammed him backwards and held him down.

“Fuck me?” Dean shouted back. “Fuck me? Yeah - you’d like that, wouldn’t you?” He snarled in Castiel's ear. “You _begged_ me to fuck you. That’s what this was about all along, wasn’t it?” Dean's face was so flushed, Castiel knew he was close to losing control. He didn’t dare move. Completely terrified. Dean leaned in again, wrapping one hand around the back of Castiel's neck to hold him still. "Well, you got it. You got exactly what you wanted, and now you’re going to fucking take it.” Dean dragged Castiel from the couch and bent him over the edge while desperate fingers clawed at his pants. Dean yanked them down to his ankles, nudging at his feet so he could press his hips against that naked warm ass and thrust his fingers roughly between Castiel's cheeks to pull them apart. Dean undid his zipper, shaking when he pulled his cock out and pressed the tip against Castiel’s open hole. Dean could feel Castiel trembling against him when he pulled his hips back, ready to force himself inside. Castiel closed his eyes tight, preparing for Dean to violate him. A single tear ran down his cheek. Dean blinked. "Cas.” He breathed in disbelief, disgusted he let himself get pulled into such a dark place. "God, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what came over me. Fuck. Cas. Cas?” He got no response. Dean stroked Castiel’s back, tugging at his shirt where it got pushed up in the struggle before gently pulling it down to cover him. Castiel couldn’t look at him. He pulled his pants back up and unsteadily dragged himself away, hugging his knees tightly against his body. Dean was still shaking when he pushed his dick back in his jeans, not even bothering to fasten them. He felt sick to his stomach, heart stuttering in his chest. Eyes wide with horror when he saw bruises starting to form on the delicate skin around Castiel's neck. “I’m sorry - ” Dean tried again, reaching out one hand to stroke his arm in a gesture of comfort. Castiel recoiled from his touch.

“Dean.” Castiel whispered, through a muffled sob. “I need you to go.” Dean was trying to stay calm while he watched Castiel fall apart in front of him. He wanted to wrap his arms around him and say he was sorry. Say everything would be alright. Dean stood up, arms hanging at his sides with no fight left in him. He didn’t want to upset Castiel any more than he already had.

“Okay.” Dean murmured the word so quietly, Castiel could hardly hear it. “I understand. I’ll go.” Dean moved sadly to the door with his head bowed low in shame, turning to look at Castiel one last time. He could see his eyes were wet. “Bye, then... and for what it’s worth - I really am sorry.” Dean could hear the heartbreaking sound of Castiel weeping when he shut the door behind him. He closed his eyes and walked away.

_____

Castiel was in the same position next morning, eyes red and swollen from crying. His throat felt dry and raw and the terrible overwhelming rush of nausea that kept washing over him was almost unbearable. He spent a fitful sleep going over the disturbing events of the day before in his mind. He still couldn’t understand how it had all gone so horribly wrong. Wishing again and again during his many waking moments in the night, he hadn’t told Dean to leave. He wanted Dean to fuck him again, but panicked at the forcefulness of it. Dominating him was one thing, but scaring the shit out of him was something else entirely.

_Fuck._

He cursed again and wandered upstairs to lay down on his bed. The covers were still messed up from where Dean threw them back when he got up the previous morning. Castiel rolled over and breathed in his scent from the pillow. It still smelled just like him. Castiel wrapped the covers around his shivering body, imagining Dean lying next to him. He just let himself drown in the precious memory of those beautiful green eyes.

Castiel lay there for an hour at least, dozing in and out of fractured sleep and periodically checking his mobile for any texts or missed calls. There was nothing. He threw it back on top of the dresser in annoyance and got out of bed, wrapping the crumpled sheet around himself like a comforter. Castiel padded over to the wardrobe and reached up to get down an extra blanket. Something landed silently at his feet. He gasped in recognition and bent down to pick it up. Castiel twirled the translucent orange bottle in his hand, rubbing a shaky thumb over the contours of the container and across the faded label while he scanned the words with a poignant sigh.

Novak, Lily. NDC 0074-1949-14

D.O.B. 12.24.77

Vicodin® 100 Tablets

(hydrocodone bitartrate and acetaminophen tablets. USP)

5 mg/ 500 mg

Each tablet contains: 5mg Hydrocodone Bitartrate and 500mg Acetaminophen

Warning: Keep out of reach of children.

Castiel stared down at his hand. He forgot some of her things had been put away in the box on top of the cupboard. He hadn’t checked it for years. Castiel shook his head at the bitter memory when he first took a bottle of tablets away from her. She fractured the bottom of her spine on her first suicide attempt after jumping from the first floor window of the old house. Castiel knew she was lying about how severe the pain was so the doctor would just prescribe a higher dosage.

 _They take away the pain, Castiel_. He remembered her saying. _Even if only for a little while._

They didn’t take away her pain though. Not in the end. They just helped her finally be free of it.

Castiel continued to run his fingers along the curve of the bottle, thinking about his sister’s words to him. He pressed the sides of the cap together and slowly twisted the top to pull it free before shaking a couple of little white tablets into his palm. He hesitated for a moment before tipping his head back and dropping them in his mouth. Castiel swallowed them with difficulty and lay back down on the bed. It only took a few minutes for the drug to flow around his body. His mind was suddenly clear, an unexpected push of something in his blood making his body tingle and numbing the sensation in his fingers when he put them to his lips. Castiel lay on his back and stared up dreamily at the ceiling. It felt like he was floating.

He would fix it with Dean. He would. He just needed to sleep.

_____

Castiel didn’t hear from Dean the next day, or the next. He was taking the pills with obsessive regularity every four hours, sometimes less. They took the edge off his heartache. Castiel knew he should just put the bottle away, swallow his pride and text Dean but something held him back. The dark fear of rejection curled inside him like a poison. It was his own fault. He told Dean to leave.

_God, he missed him._

He missed his smile, the deep rumble of his voice. He even missed the way Dean licked his bottom lip when he was nervous, strong arms around him while he placed a line of wet kisses down his neck. Castiel was drifting off again when he heard his phone vibrate next to the bed. He scanned the screen with blurry eyes and quickly popped it open.

“Sam?”

“Hey, Castiel. Are you alright?” Sam asked quietly. His voice sounded distant and muffled, like he was holding the phone really close to his mouth. Sam could hear him sigh through the other end.

“Define alright.” 

“You know what I mean. Dean’s a mess, Cas. He came by for a few minutes last night to borrow ten dollars for food. I asked him to stay, but he left anyway. Have you seen him?”

“No.” Castiel murmured. The news Dean wasn’t taking their separation well was both tragic and wonderful at the same time. Maybe he would want to come back after all.

“He’s stubborn as all fuck, Cas.” Sam continued. “There’s no way he would tell you how badly he's dealing right now. I know he’s spent the last few nights in his car.”

“Okay.” Castiel said through a shaky breath. “I'll try and call him. Thank you, Sam.”

“His phone’s completely dead. Jess tried last night after he'd gone, she was so worried about him. He looked like hell. I think he’s parked up at Hunter’s Point, maybe you could reach him there.”

“Of course he is.” Castiel forced a sad smile.

“Sorry?” Sam seemed to completely miss the connection.

“Never mind.” Castiel replied. “Thank you, Sam. Call you later."

“No worries, Cas. Good luck.”

Castiel heard a click and flicked it shut. He was still too doped up to drive, so he rang for a cab and hurriedly got dressed while he waited for it to arrive. He felt jumpy and more anxious than he had in the last few days, unable to shake the feeling of restlessness skittering up and down his spine.

The car dropped him off near the orchard that was once a fond memory for him. Castiel told him not to wait. Whatever happened with Dean, he was certain he would take him home. Hoping Dean would want to come back with him and take him straight to bed. Castiel needed to show him how much he wanted him there. How much he wanted to let Dean possess him. He knew that now.

The cab drove away, throwing up dust and pebbles when it moved slowly down the lane. Castiel felt his heart flip over when he saw the black sheen of Dean’s Impala glinting in the distance. When he got closer, Castiel could see the car was empty. He narrowed his eyes to search the line of the horizon, face crumpling when he saw the shadow of Dean’s back silhouetted against the bright canvas of blue sky. He was sitting on the broken jetty, aimlessly throwing small stones into the water. Castiel’s eyes were full of tears. He stumbled down the bank and walked up silently behind him. Dean was so distracted, he hadn’t even realized Castiel was there. His shoulders were slumped forward, his hair a mess. He had a layer of coarse stubble covering most of his face. Both hands were dirty, his boots caked in dried mud. Castiel could just see them hanging over the end where it jutted out towards the lake.

“Hello, Dean.”

Dean turned in surprise. Castiel thought he was about to smile when he looked up. Another sob catching in his throat when Dean just spun back around and continued to throw the last few pebbles into the water.

“Hey, Cas.”

Castiel felt pity and regret well up in the pit of his stomach. He sat down behind Dean and leaned in, just so he could smell the familiar scent of worn leather. How he had missed it. Castiel shuffled a little closer and stretched out his legs. He could see the muscles in Dean’s shoulders tense, even through the cover of his jacket.

“Do you mind if I sit here for a while?” Castiel attempted quietly. Dean shrugged his shoulders and sniffed indifferently. Castiel thought it was deliberate. It took him a few seconds to answer.

“It’s a free country.”

Castiel sighed.

“Dean - ”

“Why did you come here, Castiel?” Dean asked suddenly, peering suspiciously at him over the rise of one shoulder. Eyes flickering with emotion. Castiel tried to put his palm on Dean’s back. He flinched and pushed against him but he didn’t move, still staring out across the glassy surface stretching out in front of them.

“Why did _you_ come here, Dean?” Castiel asked. Dean couldn't find it in him to lie, so he said nothing at all and shrugged again. Castiel could see his breath hitching, running his tongue over his lip while he tried to think of a response. Dean wasn’t sure if Castiel’s motivations were based on pity and he wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction. “I came to say I was sorry.” Castiel sighed at last. They both knew it was really Dean who should be apologizing but Castiel was prepared to let it go.

“Sorry?” Dean finally shuffled around to face him. Castiel’s legs were spread out in front of him and Dean hesitantly nestled his body between them. “You don’t have to say sorry, I was the dick. I don’t know, Cas. Something just came over me and I lost it. You had every right to kick me out.”

“Come home, Dean... please.” Castiel begged, taking Dean's hands in his own and holding them up to his face. Castiel kissed them reverently along the line of each knuckle where they were wrapped around his palms. Dean leaned in and bumped their foreheads together.

“Do you mean it?”

“With everything.”

_____

Dean jumped out the car and ran to the passenger side to open the door for Castiel. They were wound together all the way up the steps. Dean was making dirty and lustful grabs for Castiel’s butt while he dragged him through the front door. Castiel was laughing when Dean kicked the door shut and quickly slid the chain across. Dean was really desperate to take a bath and have a shave so Castiel left him to it while he wandered through to the kitchen. He noticed the pill bottle sitting on the counter where he left it earlier. He could have sworn there were some missing. He didn’t remember taking any that morning. Castiel frowned, hand hovering over the lid. His eyes flicked over to the hallway, instinctively checking to see if Dean was there. He could still hear him moving about upstairs against the muted sound of running water. Castiel quickly unscrewed the cap and shook two pills into his waiting hand. He knocked them back quickly.

 _He had got better at that_. Castiel hurriedly replaced the cap. Dean made him jump when he suddenly appeared by his side. He stared at Dean in surprise.

“Cas, you got any clean towels?” Dean asked, gaze falling on the small container in Castiel’s hand. “What’s that?”

Castiel smiled, thrusting the bottle into his back pocket.

“Nothing. It’s nothing, Dean.” He reached down into the dryer and handed him a soft towel. It was still warm. Dean took it gently and ran his hand along Castiel’s fingers.

“Okay.” Dean pressed an affectionate kiss to his lips. Castiel smiled weakly and watched him disappear back up the stairs. He leaned against the counter when he heard the bathroom door close.

_I suppose lying isn’t the same as not telling him the whole truth._

_____

Soundtrack Chapter 7: [**Please Don't Leave Me** (Pink)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9HnSBXYV8c)


	8. Take Me Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean attempts to repair the damage done by their brief separation, but Castiel has already developed a dangerous dependency to prescription drugs that once belonged to his sister. Dean starts to suspect the willingness to give him control is not just from a change of heart. Dean makes a promise to Castiel he knows he can never keep.

Chapter 8       **Take Me Away.**

Castiel was still in the kitchen when Dean came downstairs with a towel in one hand. Rubbing vigorously at the ends of his hair. Trying to remove the last traces of water from a hot bath. Dean felt much more refreshed. He popped open the washer and threw the damp towel in. Castiel didn’t even seem to notice him come back, jumping again when Dean pushed the door closed. His hands were crossed behind his back. Dean's stomach sank at the thought Castiel would ever keep anything from him. He was always so honest and open. His life, his feelings - everything had been right there for Dean to examine with brutal scrutiny. Dean liked that. It meant Castiel had nothing to hide. Castiel brushed a soft kiss against Dean's cheek.

“You smell nice.” Castiel breathed in the aromatic scent, but Dean made no attempt to kiss him back. Castiel remembered beautiful and arousing images of all their tender moments together. He wanted to feel like that again. Now there was just a heavy sense of anxiety and the fear he had damaged something valuable between them. Castiel wasn't sure Dean had let it go yet, regretting what happened every day since Dean was out of his house, and his bed. Castiel moved a little closer until he could feel the warmth of Dean’s body spreading out, tempting him into his space. “Dean, can we talk about this?” Castiel asked nervously, fingers fidgeting with whatever he was holding behind his back. Begging for forgiveness with his eyes. Dean was still ashamed he lost control with someone he cared for, confusing the need to dominate Castiel sexually with a possessive desire that swamped him when he bent Cas over and tried to make him submit without consent. “Please.”

“Okay.” Dean sighed. “What do you want me to say?” Castiel saw a flush of blood creep up his chest. Not sure if it was anger or guilt. “That I’m sorry? That I was wrong?” Dean asked breathlessly. “Okay. I’m sorry. It was wrong. I know that, Cas.” Dean was tapping restless fingers against his arm while he bit his cheek.

“I know you’re sorry, Dean. You don’t need to keep saying it.” Castiel couldn’t seem to find the right words to explain how he felt. Painful silence made Dean want to fill the space with something else.

“I thought you liked it.” He said quietly.

“I do.” Castiel whispered honestly. "Let me try and explain.” He tugged at Dean’s arm, guiding him through to the living room to sit him down. Castiel might have to confess everything. The thought of opening his heart up like that filled him with dread. He was ashamed. Castiel was still holding the photograph of his sister in one hand. Slipping it from the frame earlier before he heard Dean come downstairs. Castiel didn't want to think about what he was doing to himself, wondering why he would ever betray her memory. Letting himself be claimed by the one thing that finally took her from him. Castiel had pushed the pills to the back of the cupboard. Out of sight. It was just easier somehow. Easier to pretend everything was alright, deliberately ignoring the recurring bouts of nausea and increasing difficulty to focus. Castiel spent most of his life trying to understand why Lily had seen so little value in the life she was given. Never able to reconcile the grief he felt at her passing with any kind of empathetic emotion. Castiel dragged his mind away from the seduction of the little orange bottle and turned his attention back to Dean.

“Okay, Cas... tell me.” 

Castiel sat down next to Dean and tucked one leg under the other. Dean could see he was anxious. Picking aimlessly at the cushion he pulled into his lap.

“I don’t really know why I reacted like that. I think I was just frightened you were going to hurt me.” Dean opened his mouth, but Castiel didn't give him chance to interrupt. “You don’t understand. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I never wanted anyone the way I want you. I _do_ want you to take me, take me away from everything.” Castiel inhaled a shaky breath, still manipulating the pillow with trembling fingers. “I was just scared.” Dean dared a little smile, covering Castiel’s hand to stop him from fidgeting.

“I could never hurt you.” Dean answered softly, pleased Castiel finally gave them an opportunity to talk. “I just wanted to make you happy, Cas, and I fucked it up. I always do." Castiel squeezed Dean’s hand. "I stopped when I saw you didn’t want it.” 

“I _do_ want it. I didn’t realize how much until you were gone.”

Something dark rose up inside Dean when he searched Castiel’s eyes. Dean could see his cheeks were flushed. Thrum of a pulsing heartbeat on the side of his neck a powerful temptation. Enticing Dean to cover it with his mouth.

“I liked it, Cas. I can’t even tell you how fucking much you turn me on when you just do what I say.” Castiel reached up to touch Dean’s cheek, pliant under his hand. He could smell Dean’s scent when he closed his eyes. “Would you?” Dean started cautiously, licking at his bottom lip when he dropped his head. “Would you let me do that again? Hold you down?” He asked it so quietly, Castiel wondered if he misheard. He was staring at Dean’s mouth. “It’s just - after the other day, I dunno. Just thought I would ask.” Dean brushed the thought aside, consciously willing the delicious image of Castiel bound, gagged and bent over for him out of his mind with every drop of self-control he had. “You know what, forget it. Sorry, Cas, I shouldn’t have even - ” Castiel hushed him, slipping his thumb into Dean’s mouth to stroke the tip of his tongue. Dean could almost taste Castiel on his lips.

“Yes, Dean.” Castiel smiled.

“Are you sure?” Dean nuzzled the skin of his throat, still moist from the spread of damp kisses. Castiel was making small sounds of encouragement while Dean’s slick lips caressed his neck, familiar arousal starting to pump into his groin. “Cas, are you _sure_?” Dean asked again, reluctantly pulling away to cradle Castiel’s face in his hands. He would never force himself on Cas again. Dean wanted him to submit willingly.

Castiel nodded, running one hand down Dean's shoulder. Dean moved from Castiel's neck to the edge of his mouth, flicking his tongue against it. Trying to coax Castiel to open up and let him in. Dean moved in quickly, forcing Castiel's lips apart with a wet thrust. Dean dared an exploratory stroke of Castiel’s dick, growling with approval when he realized how hard it was under his hand. Dean kissed him deep, running his hands along both thighs and teasing the end of his cock with the edge of his thumb. Dean nudged the cushion away from his lap and pulled him in, mouths still pressed together. Dean grabbed for his ass and jerked his body against him. Castiel could feel Dean’s erection throbbing against his own. Dean took Castiel upstairs, prompting him for reassurance this was really what he wanted. Dean was almost carrying him in his haste to get Castiel into bed, eyes flickering with raw lust when they trailed across the contours of his body.

“Get undressed.” Dean ordered, ignoring how much his hands were shaking while he noisily searched through a drawer. Waiting for Castiel to do as he was told. Dean pulled out Castiel’s tie, and balled it up in one hand. He walked back to the bed and stretched it out in front of him, eyes fixed on Castiel while Dean watched him slip out his clothes. Dean wrapped it around one hand, peeling off his own t-shirt with the other. His cock was rigid. Castiel could see the outline through his jeans. Remembering what it felt like when Dean slammed it into him without mercy. His own dick twitched at the memory. “Let me.” Dean was trying to get Castiel to hold his hands behind his back so he could thread the silk between his fingers and bind both wrists together. Castiel let Dean dominate him, but there was still one jagged edge of hesitation. His thoughts kept wandering back to the hidden bottle. Part of him longed to feel the sweet drench of euphoria with the ingestion of every little white pill.

Castiel suddenly pushed Dean away with the excuse he needed a drink of water. Dean let the tie slide through his hands and just let him go, still trying to redeem himself for his indiscretion and show Castiel he genuinely did care for him. Dean might not be able to say it in words, but he could let Cas know how much he wanted him. Wanted to feel the hot tight heat of Castiel’s body around his cock again. Make Castiel beg for Dean to fuck him.

Dean waited a few minutes for Castiel to return, imagining what he would like to do to Castiel’s body when he had him fully restrained. Dean knew Castiel had missed him. He wasn’t going to take advantage. Just confident enough to get Castiel as submissive as Dean wanted him to be. He never felt the desire to subjugate another person like that before, but there was something about those wide blue eyes looking up at him, pink mouth wrapped around his cock, that made Dean primitive and selfish. Castiel was his, and his alone.

Dean didn’t hear the click of the bottle cap. Castiel cursed himself in his head for being so weak when he dropped another two tablets into his palm with a sigh. He deliberately turned away from the photograph now back by the window. Muttering an apology when he laid the picture face down, stomach twisting with a knot of sick hypocrisy. Quickly replacing the cap before stashing the container at the back of the cabinet again. He swallowed them quickly, knowing Dean was waiting for him in the bedroom. He was light-headed by the time he reached the doorway, almost falling onto Dean when he reached out his arms for him. He let Dean slip the shirt from his shoulders, licking a wet mark onto each one when they were exposed. Castiel felt weightless, free of inhibition when Dean eased him onto the bed and kissed a line of delicate caresses from the base of his throat, over his chest and along the tight line of his stomach. He dipped the end of his tongue into the dark patch of hair just visible above his shorts.

“Turn over.” Dean commanded. Castiel did as he was asked immediately. He didn’t even open his eyes when Dean pulled at his arms, skillfully winding the tie around Castiel’s wrists and knotting one end through the other. Dean tested it a couple of times to see if it would hold before leaning over Castiel and pushing the hair back from his face. He could feel short bursts of air against his cheek when Dean panted lust-fuelled encouragements into his ear. “It’s not too tight, is it?” Castiel heard him whisper. He shook his head. “Okay.” Dean muttered. “Okay.” His voice sounded desperate and shaky. Castiel thought he was probably trying to overcome his own insecurities by mumbling constant assurances to himself, tugging nervously at the silk where it fastened Castiel’s hands together. Dean reached around Castiel's body and pushed both hands underneath him, pulling at his boxers to drag them over the top of his thighs. Castiel tried to help by shimmying his hips until they slid down his legs. He heard Dean inhale a rush of fractured breath when his ass was ready and open. Castiel moaned when Dean dug his fingers into the soft flesh, feeling a warm caress against his naked thighs when Dean reverently ran his hands over the skin. Making small purrs of approval while he stroked him. Castiel was starting to give himself over to the pleasant sensations spreading through his body. “Cas.” Dean murmured. “You are _fucking_ beautiful like that.” Dean eased himself down on his knees. Castiel hummed his thanks but couldn’t find anything else to say. Dean was starting to feel braver with every small gesture of consent, gently coaxing Castiel to spread his legs wider when he slid his hand underneath to hitch his butt up. Dean was hushing him with whispers of persuasion, enticing his cheeks apart with a determined press of fingers. Castiel could feel hot breath sweep across his hole when Dean bent his head and started to lick at it. Castiel had stirred something in Dean he never knew existed, and he wanted more. Castiel was so unexpectedly responsive, Dean wanted to see how far he would let him go. He crawled up the bed and wrapped one arm protectively around Castiel's waist.

“What’s wrong?” Castiel asked quietly, thinking he must have done something Dean didn't like. He wanted to please Dean so badly. He never felt the pain of despair like he had when Dean was gone. Not even when he lost Lily. Castiel pushed that shameful admission away and turned his attention back to the man pressed up against him, secretly deciding there was nothing he wouldn’t do to make sure he would never be alone again.

“Nothing’s wrong.” Dean smiled, running his thumb across Castiel’s jaw. He dipped his head to move their mouths together again, pulling on his bottom lip with sharp teeth. Dean slowly licked away the mark he left, pushing against Castiel so forcefully he could feel the hard swell of his erection. “Let me cover your eyes.” Dean suggested, moving his hips in small circles until Castiel was releasing little gasps of desire. “Cas?” Dean prompted again. “Can I?” Castiel just nodded his consent. The drug was flowing through his body. Combination of sedative-hypnotic and intense sexual stimulation too much for him to even think about forming coherent sentences. Dean placed a single kiss against his lips and went back to the dresser to get another tie. He unrolled it, cock now throbbing painfully at the thought of what he was going to do to Castiel. Dean gently wrapped it around Castiel's head and over his eyes until he was sure he couldn’t see anything. Dean took a moment just to look at him before settling himself between slick thighs. Resuming the delicate strokes across his back. Castiel was lost to insentience and pleasure when he gave his body to Dean completely, inhaling a gasp when he felt Dean’s tongue wet his skin with a daring swipe against the dip at the bottom of his spine and down to his hole. Castiel knew he was moaning but he couldn’t seem to stop. Voice sounding remote and distant in the quiet of the room. Dean was kneeling over him, close to losing control again. He rubbed his own erection over Castiel where he was spread open, willingly offering all of himself to the man he loved. “I wanna hear you beg for it, Cas.” Dean said suddenly, with an impetuous need to proclaim his dominance. Castiel felt a sharp sting on his butt. It only lasted a second but the pulsating tingle that followed meant Dean had slapped him. “Beg me, Cas.” Dean pleaded, spanking him again. “ _Beg_ me to fuck you.” It didn’t even sound like Dean. Desperate and shameless. Castiel tried to speak through the haze, whimpering when he felt Dean tease his cock against him.

“Take me.” 

“I didn’t hear you.” Dean insisted. Castiel jerked his hips forward with a soft cry when he felt Dean’s teeth bite into the curve of his ass. Dean frantically reached down to nudge the wet tip of his dick against him. “I need to hear you say it, Cas.”

“Take me, Dean. Please - fuck me.” Castiel submitted, biting down into his lip when Dean grabbed his hips and pushed inside him with one long slow glide. Dean knew he couldn't last very long. Castiel was taking every assault, body trembling with the thrill of the forceful way Dean claimed him.

“You're mine, Cas. Do you understand? Mine.” Dean gasped, letting the overwhelming desire to possess take over, turning him into someone he didn't recognize. Dean couldn’t stop. He wanted to break Castiel apart. Make him so dependent on the way Dean made him feel, Castiel would never want to let him go again. Dean reached down, taking Castiel’s dick roughly in his hand and pumping it with hard relentless strokes. Matching the pace of his own hips while he pounded into him.

“Yes, Dean.” Castiel was breathless, orgasm starting to build and blur his senses. He would have said anything to never make it stop.

“Who do you belong to?” Dean growled into his ear, leaning forward and increasing the powerful thrusts until Castiel was really struggling to catch his breath.

“I'm yours… only yours.” Dean nuzzled his jaw into Castiel’s hair while he fucked into him, tightening his grip around shuddering hips until he could feel himself fall over the edge with a huge rush of pleasure. Castiel spilled over his hand as soon as he felt Dean empty into him. His whole body shook long after Dean released his grip around the spent dick. Dean was breathing heavily when he collapsed over Castiel’s back. He pulled out carefully, grabbing a sheet to clean up the mess. Dean snuggled next to Castiel and drew him close, slipping off the makeshift blindfold and nudging him on the shoulder to get him to turn over so he could untie him and free his hands. Castiel didn’t move. "Leave it, Dean.” He whispered, eyes already starting to close now Dean was holding him possessively against his chest. Castiel was on the edge of sleep again. He just wanted the oblivion of unconsciousness to take him away.

_Even if only for a little while._

Castiel rubbed his cheek against Dean’s body. Listening to the delicate heart beat vibrate against his ribs.

“Promise you'll never leave me.” Castiel murmured, awareness gradually fading. “Dean.” He insisted. “Promise me.”

Dean gently kissed the top of his head.

“I promise.”

_____

Castiel secretly kept taking excessive amounts of the tablets for almost two weeks before Dean started to notice he was becoming forgetful. Sometimes finding Castiel dozing on the couch in the middle of the afternoon. Dean initially put it down to sickness, but his condition didn't improve and Dean was starting to get concerned. Castiel was becoming unpredictable. Dean often found it difficult to anticipate his emotions. Sometimes cold and irritable for no reason. Then there were days and hours Dean cherished in his memory when Castiel was loving and tender. He would touch and kiss him with so much devotion, it made Dean's heart swell with affection.

Castiel already got another bottle from Lily's box. He was terrified of running out, and couldn't tell Dean why he was so anxious. Planning to make use of his contacts at the hospital to get more if he needed to. Castiel once convinced himself he could manage without them. Not sure that was still true. He was so tired. He hated not being able to confide in Dean, ignoring the fear he was fighting a losing battle. Castiel only wanted to please Dean. Let him use his body whenever he wanted, but sometimes Castiel just longed to curl up and wish everything else away.

He spent the whole afternoon in bed the next day. Dean left him to sleep, deciding to surprise him by cleaning out the kitchen cupboards. Cas had been bitching about the mess for days. He was still half-asleep when he heard the door creak open just before the bed dipped down. He opened one weary eye, vision still a bit blurry. Dean was perched near his feet, head dropped into one hand. Twirling the empty bottle between his fingers in the other. Castiel could see his eyes were shining with tears.

“Hey.” Dean offered quietly, when Castiel slowly opened both eyes and blinked in confusion when he realized what Dean was holding. The walls suddenly seemed to be closing in, heart fluttering wildly in panic. Castiel knew he was caught.

“What are you doing with that?” He asked in a whisper. 

“That was gonna be my question.” Dean sighed in disappointment, holding up the little container. 

“Dean.” Castiel had nothing to justify why he kept that from him.

“Why?” Dean asked, his face a canvas of hurt and betrayal. “I thought you were happy. That this was what you wanted.” Castiel moved quickly to his side, clutching at Dean's arm.

“I am, Dean. This is everything I want.” He added softly. Blue eyes open and honest. “I started taking them when you were gone and I… I just kept taking them.” Castiel stammered.

In the cold light of day with Dean’s eyes searching for an explanation, Castiel realized just how pitiful that sounded. There was no way to make Dean understand how low he felt without him, knowing Dean was going to be taken from him one day. It consumed every waking thought. That loss would carve a hole in his heart that could never be filled, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. He just wanted the pain to go away.

“You lost your sister to this shit.” Dean shouted. Castiel recoiled at such a bitter blow.

“I know.”

“They aren’t even yours for fucks sake. You need to stop taking them.” Dean demanded, shaking the empty jar in his face. Lily’s name was printed on the label, painfully clear just in front of his eyes. “Cas, I want to help you. _Let_ me help you.”

“I don’t need any help.” Castiel murmured.

“Yes, you do. You keep forgetting stuff, you sleep all the time. It all makes sense now, doesn’t it?” Castiel could feel his arm shaking. “Shit. It’s bad enough my body's fucked.” Dean stopped when he realized that was the first time he openly admitted how sick he was since that fateful day at the hospital. The threat of his own mortality caught him off-guard, and he stumbled. “You’re better than this.” Dean mumbled. “You _deserve_ better than this.” Castiel was helplessly watching the lines deepen around Dean’s eyes while he tried to fight off the anger. Dean had unintentionally fallen in love with a man who was fading away right in front of him. Powerless to stop it. “I’m not gonna let you do this to yourself, Cas.” Dean tapped his fingers against the side of the bottle. Castiel couldn’t remember what he wanted to say. “Please don’t take any more.” Castiel let his hand fall away when Dean threw the container on the bed and walked away. Castiel watched in silence as the door closed behind him.

_____

Castiel pushed away conflicting and confusing images that kept surfacing in his mind, consciously trying to make good on the unspoken promise he made to Dean. He didn't want any more pills, but the itch under his skin was so bad he found himself growing anxious and irritable. He needed Dean to stay close, but sometimes he was desperate to be left alone so he could take just one. That would be enough, and then he could do it. Just one to see him through until tomorrow and then it would be easier. Only two days without them, and paranoia was making Castiel feel like Dean was watching him constantly with an accusatory look that made him feel sick.

 _Really_ sick. He was pouring out a cup of coffee in the kitchen when he realized his hands were shaking. Castiel steadied himself on the counter. Dean was upstairs and didn't hear Cas call out when the dizziness suddenly overcame him. His chest felt tight, breath whistling through his lips while he struggled to take in enough air. His hands started to blur in and out of focus while he stared down at them. A warning spike of fear shot up through his ribs and caught in his throat, opening his mouth in a weak attempt to form the shape of Dean’s name, but nothing came out. Castiel saw his vision dim when he blacked out with the word still suspended on his lips.

_____

Castiel woke up to find Dean leaning over him, face lined with concern. He sat up quickly when he realized unfamiliar white walls were all around him.

“What happened?” Castiel asked, eyes scanning every corner. 

“You passed out. I found you out cold on the kitchen floor.” Dean was stroking the hair from his face. 

“What?”

“You had a bad reaction to those damn pills. You scared the shit out of me, Cas.” Dean forced a laugh, pushing his hands inside his pockets like that would somehow stop them from shaking. Castiel was trying to sort through disjointed images of things he couldn’t quite remember. He felt desperately ill and sick. “But, hey.” Dean tried to hide the tremble in his voice. “Doc said you’re gonna be fine. You just need to get them outta your system.” Castiel knew Dean was lying. There was the tell-tale twitch at one corner of his mouth whenever he wasn’t being completely honest. Change in pitch at the end of his sentence. Castiel knew Dean so well. He could only piece together fractured thoughts and memories, not really understanding what Dean was saying. It felt like he was floating and sinking at the same time. Words washed over him, senses dulled by the drugs and the rush of intense emotions that had assaulted him for days. Dean gave him a weary smile, but inside his heart was breaking. He realized how Castiel must have felt when he was the one lying in a hospital bed. “You took real good care of me once, Cas.” Dean whispered softly, the memory drifting into focus behind his eyes. Dean brushed his fingertips across one sallow cheekbone. “Now I’m gonna take care of you.” 

Castiel frowned at him, pitifully detached.

“What do you mean? I’m not sick.” Innocent eyes reflected hurt and confusion. Dean decided to humour him.

“Yeah, I know. I’m just saying.”

Castiel curled himself up and buried his face in the dip of Dean’s shoulder when he sat down next to him on the bed. 

“Can we go to the lake today, Dean?” Castiel asked expectantly. For a fleeting moment, Dean imagined those eyes sparkled just a little brighter. Castiel smiled, not waiting for an answer. “I like the lake.” Dean patted his hand sympathetically.

“I know you do, baby. I know.” Dean wrapped his arm around Castiel’s shoulders to pull him close, pressing an affectionate kiss to his cheek. The skin felt cold under his lips. “No more shadows, right? We’re gonna chase them all away, remember? Chase them away together. Do you remember, Cas?” Dean tilted his chin up to search the blue eyes, hoping to catch just one hidden flicker of recognition that would make the constriction in his chest subside. Hollow, glazed eyes stared back at him. “Castiel?” Dean urged, gently shaking his face where it rested in his palms.

“Butterflies... yes. I remember, Dean.” Castiel forced a sigh when he leaned into Dean’s chest. He seemed lost in some unfathomable darkness, his slender body frail and cold. Dean stroked his hair with a shaky hand and bit his lip to stop himself from crying. He loved Cas so desperately. Dean could finally admit that now, even if it was only a disembodied voice inside his head. He just wanted to wash away the blackness that captured Castiel with everything he had. The light was gone from his eyes. The light Castiel once gave back to him when everything else was darkness. Dean felt tears sting his eyes but refused to let them fall, trembling lips set in a firm line while Castiel's ragged breath rasped against his side. “I’m so cold.” Castiel whispered. Dean rubbed the skin of his arm in a vain attempt to spread some warmth through his body. “Do you think you'll remember me when I’m gone?” Dean jerked his head back.

_Where the hell did that come from?_

“Nobody’s dying, Cas.” Dean replied, trying to sound much lighter than he really felt. Deliberately ignoring the way his stomach lurched. It even sounded like a lie inside his head.

“Promise me something, Dean.” Castiel said slowly, voice small and broken. “Promise me if I'm not okay - you'll let me go.”

Dean’s face grew hard. Mouth set so tight, it pulled at the skin around his lips. He turned his head away, shaking it just once in denial. 

“No, Cas.” Dean whispered. “I can’t do that.” Castiel gently touched his face, long fingers tracing along Dean’s jaw and disturbing the coarse stubble left untended for a few days. He tried to get Dean to look at him. 

“You once made Sam promise the same to you.” Dean suddenly pulled away from Castiel’s touch like it burned him.

“Don’t.” Dean warned. “That’s not fair. It’s not the same, and you know it. This is different, Cas. Don’t do that.” Castiel gave him a sad smile.

“How is this any different? You wanted your brother to go on without you. You could still have a good life. I want you to be happy, Dean. It’s really not that complicated.” Dean jumped up, emotion building behind his eyes.

“Not that complicated?” He was almost shouting the response. Castiel flinched and reached a trembling hand towards him, but Dean backed away. “Are you fucking kidding me?” 

“Dean.” Castiel tried again. Dean started pacing, every step filled with anger and frustration. He pushed one hand through his hair. 

“Not that complicated.” Dean echoed in a whisper. “Is that really what you think? That this is nothing to me?” Castiel took a shallow breath. He tried to speak, but the words wouldn't come quick enough. Dean was staring at him. “You know how important you are to me.”

It was the closest to _I love you_ that ever spilled from Dean’s mouth but Castiel didn't seem to hear it. When he looked into his eyes, Dean broke. There was nothing there. Castiel seemed to be lost in some dark place where even Dean couldn't reach him. He turned away with tears in his eyes when one thought tightened a cold grip around his heart. The Castiel he knew was gone. 

Soundtrack Chapter 8: [ **No light, No light**  (Florence and the Machine)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=29XGlYUlqfA%0A)


	9. Just Like An Arrow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean feels guilty when he realizes just how desperate Castiel has become to make all his pain go away. He seems to recover quickly but still suffers some latent side effects of his addiction. Castiel finally admits the fear of losing Dean was the cause of so much heartache and asks him a question Dean isn't sure he can answer.

Chapter 9     **Just Like An Arrow**

Dean crept out the hospital room when Castiel fell asleep again, deciding against trying to wake him just to finish their conversation. He could only manage disjointed sentences anyway. Making Dean feel worse than he did when Castiel got rushed to emergency. He was still so weak and unresponsive. Dean was only trying to protect him, but not being brutally honest had caused a lot of suffering. The deep sense of guilt just wouldn’t go away.

Castiel _had_ suspected something. That much Dean guessed after their recent visit to the ward where he once cared so selflessly for him. Dean didn’t deserve Castiel. Never had. He suddenly noticed one of the doctors walking up the corridor. Compelled to stop him.

“Excuse me, Doctor?” Dean forced himself to make eye contact. The man stopped when Dean offered him a weak handshake. “I’m here with Mr. Novak in Room 2. Castiel Novak.” The doctor gave it a token shake. “I was just wondering if you could give me an update on his progress. Anything I need to know to help him get better? Anything at all.” Dean had absolutely no intention of moving from the corridor until he had something he could use to help Castiel. 

The doctor looked at him so blankly it made Dean feel cold.

“You are?” 

“I’m, er - ” Dean was desperately trying to think of an appropriate word. They never really labelled what it was they had together. They just were. That was always enough. “I’m his partner.” Dean answered, after a pause. It sounded so weird. One word didn’t seem to do it justice somehow. 

“Okay. In that case, I'll be able to discuss his condition with you. I can give you a few minutes Mr - ?” 

“Winchester... Dean.” He added politely.

“Follow me, please.” The doctor gestured to one of the consultation rooms along the corridor while Dean trailed after him. Neon light flickering mournfully into life when they entered. Dean imagined the room wasn’t used very often when he sat down in a chair near the window. The doctor took a seat on the desk. Dean could feel his heart stuttering while he waited for the inevitable blow he guessed was coming. He knew the man was just stalling for time when he offered him a cup of water. Dean shook his head. "Mr. Winchester - Dean.” The doctor corrected. Dean was pressing the tips of his fingers into his thighs, something he always did when he was nervous. Castiel noticed. Along with a lot of other little things that might be completely meaningless to anyone else. Dean knew he undervalued the most wonderful thing that ever happened to him. Making a silent vow right then he was going to give Castiel everything he could in the time they had left. He wasted far too much of it already. "I think he'll recover.” The doctor said slowly.

“Okay.” Dean murmured. Not the response he expected. Maybe he would get more time with Castiel than he thought. 

“However.” _Fuck. Here it comes._ Dean thought. Of course there was a _however_. “I have some concerns about his ability to stop taking them altogether. If someone would take something like that without ever having been diagnosed or prescribed medication, it suggests something underlying that's been left unchecked.” Dean suddenly felt very uncomfortable, like he was being accused of something and he didn’t like it. It made him defensive. 

“What do you mean by that?” 

“Does Mr. Novak have a history of mental illness or depression?” The doctor asked carefully. Dean jerked his head back.

”Cas? No. God, no.” Dean replied, without even having to think about it. But he could have missed something. Another surge of shame flushed his cheeks. “I don’t think so.” Wondering if there was more of a connection to Lily than just sibling empathy.

_No_.

Castiel told him he never understood how she could have taken her own life. He was happy. Safe. Dean inhaled a shaky breath.

_Until he met me._

Tears threatened to spill from his eyes when a wave of nausea washed over him. It was his fault. All of it. He had come into Castiel’s life, and destroyed it. Dean was watching the doctor’s mouth move around words he couldn't hear, a dull ringing in his ears making everything indistinct. He swallowed down the sick feeling, trying to focus on what the other man was saying. 

“Do you understand?” It was all Dean heard when his senses returned. 

“I’m sorry, understand what?” The doctor frowned at him, no idea a cloud of strange thoughts were spiralling through Dean's head. Castiel made him feel so wonderful. Maybe Dean could make him happy again.

_Even if only for a little while._

“Sorry, I'm not feeling well. What did you say?.” Dean asked quietly. 

“I was saying Mr. Novak may have a predisposition to depression, or something else brought him to a very low point in his life.”

_Yes, it did. Me._

“What can I do?” Dean asked, searching for a way to bring Castiel back to him. Dean wanted a chance to talk about their future together.

“Make sure he can't get hold of any more tablets. Taking someone else’s prescription is a definite warning sign, and a very dangerous thing to do. I'll conduct some more tests tomorrow. Possibly refer him to a psychologist depending on how he responds. We'll keep him in a couple of days at least and he'll probably sleep a lot of the time. My advice would be to go home and rest while you can.”

“But I want to be with him.” Dean gasped out, surprising himself at how much he meant it. “I don’t want him to wake up and see I’m not there. He might think… something happened to me. I don’t wanna scare him. He needs me.” Dean added in a whisper, ignoring the fact he was probably to blame for Castiel’s unhappiness in the first place. The doctor nodded.

“Your call. I'll let you know anything soon as I do.” He shook Dean’s hand again. 

“Thank you. I'm gonna stay with him, anyway.”

_____

Castiel was still fitful and distracted, even in sleep. Dean was sitting by his bed and willing him to open up those bright blue eyes. He _would_ be his Cas again. Then they could just go home. Make out like they used to. Castiel could teach him how to fold a butterfly. 

“Dean.” Castiel murmured. His eyes were closed, but Dean could see random movements fluttering underneath his lids. He was dreaming. Dean tried to ignore the rattle vibrating inside his chest every time he inhaled, torn between reaching out to hold his hand and leaving him be so he wouldn't disturb him. “No… don’t go.” Dean stilled when broken thoughts worked through Castiel's dreams to give voice to his pain. Dean felt horrible. He was the one responsible for Castiel’s sadness, no matter how unintentional it was. Now forced to listen to the demons that tortured him in his sleep. “You can’t die… you can’t leave me, Dean. I love you.”

Castiel _knew_. Knew Dean was never going to recover from the damage caused by almost drowning. Dean had clung to the hope maybe it wasn’t so bad, but he failed. He failed Castiel just like he failed at everything else. Dean made Cas a promise he knew he would never be able to keep. Hatred for himself soon returning while he watched Castiel’s perfect mouth open and close while the nightmare continued. Dean was almost tempted to wake him just to make it stop. It was only a matter of time before Dean would have to leave him. Life was so unfair. He wanted to stay so badly. Dean reached out for Castiel’s hand where it lay limp on the sheet. Castiel stirred, lips still moving while he tried to form words. Incoherent and faint. Dean couldn’t make out anything else, so he gently let go of his hand. He didn't want to hear any more, and left Castiel sleeping while he picked up his jacket. In desperate need of some air.

Dean gasped in surprise when he returned. Castiel was sitting up in bed with a plastic cup in his hand, sipping water through a straw pressed between those full lips Dean loved so much. Castiel smiled at him. Dean was amazed to see him awake. He couldn’t think of a damn thing to say.

“Well… here we are again.” Dean forced a laugh. Castiel rubbed at the hospital bracelet wrapped around his wrist, mindlessly twisting it over his arm. “Sorry, Cas. I wanted to be here when you woke up but I just needed to get some air.” Castiel nodded his head towards the table.

“I knew you were still here. You left your keys.” A weak cough caught in his throat, and Dean's fear rose back up again. “I’m so sorry, Dean. I don’t really remember what happened. I was standing in the kitchen and everything went dark.” Dean rushed to take the cup from his hand, leaning in to help balance the straw on Castiel’s bottom lip.

“Here, Cas. I can hold this. Have a sip of water.” Dean hoped Castiel couldn’t hear the tremble in his voice when he pushed the straw in a little more. Castiel coughed again. 

“Dean, I’m fine. Put it on the side please.”

“Okay, sorry.” Dean replied quickly. He set the cup down, eyes never leaving Castiel’s face for a second.

“Dean?” Castiel attempted faintly. “Are you alright?”

Dean frowned, not sure if Castiel knew why he was there or had any memory of their conversation from earlier. Dean wondered sadly how much else he had forgotten.

“Do you remember what I said?” Dean asked nervously, tongue sweeping along the seam of his mouth. Castiel was watching him so closely, Dean thought he saw a flicker of something familiar skim across his eyes.

“Of course I remember. We were talking about Lily. I was showing you how to make a butterfly.”

Dean felt everything fall into the pit of his stomach. That was the day before. His mind must have blanked out everything since he collapsed. Dean forced a smile.

_So much for being honest._

“Yeah. Yeah, that’s right, Cas. You were showing me how to make a butterfly.”

_____

Dean was really happy when Castiel got released the next day after his consultation. He didn't tell Dean much about it, but kept insisting he didn't need a _fucking_ psychologist. Dean expected he would have to stay longer but the doctor seemed confident he would be alright after a few days when the drugs were completely absorbed. Castiel might have a few withdrawal symptoms. He advised Dean to keep a watchful eye on his behaviour over the next couple of days. It was the first time in a while Dean felt hopeful in his heart again, except for the fact Castiel’s memory was coming back in broken waves. Some things he couldn’t remember at all. On the journey back to the house Dean asked him about the lake and all the places they visited together. The more he questioned him, the more Dean realized Castiel seemed to have developed a selective edge to the things he remembered and the things he wanted to forget. He blocked out all the memories that caused him pain. He wanted to ask if he remembered Dean being sick, but he didn't push it. Castiel's emotions were balancing on a knife edge and sooner or later he was going to slip.

Dean got out the car and opened Castiel’s door for him again, taking his hand and helping him to stand. His legs were still shaky when he leaned against Dean’s side all the way up to the door. By the time they reached the living room, Castiel was struggling to breathe. He was clutching onto Dean while he helped him to the couch. Castiel closed his eyes. He still looked very pale, face rough when Dean touched the side of his cheek. Fingertips brushing against dark stubble. 

“Thank you, Dean.”

Castiel slept away most of the afternoon, so Dean took the opportunity to check through the kitchen cupboards and inside the wardrobe. He found the cardboard box with Lily’s name scrawled in marker pen across one side. Dean was still sifting through it when he heard the stairs give and quickly put it back. He hadn't found any pills so far and started to relax. The bedroom door creaked open. Castiel's face appeared in the gap. Eyes narrow and full of suspicion.

“Dean? What are you doing?” He asked quietly, sitting on the edge of their bed.

“Nothing, Cas. I was just making up the bed. You can’t sleep on the couch forever.” Dean helped Castiel lift his feet on top of the covers. He eased himself up the bed until his head was resting on the pillow, smiling at Dean when he moved next to him so their eyes were level. “Hey.” Dean breathed. 

“Hey.” They both laughed at how awkward it was. Dean slowly stretched out to slip his arm around Castiel’s waist. He leaned into the touch, running his fingers down Dean’s chest. “I missed you.”

“I didn’t go anywhere, Cas.” Dean replied, deliberately pushing his hand lower until it was resting just above the top of Castiel's jeans.

“You know what I mean.”

“Well, I’m here now and I’m staying here, okay? I don’t ever wanna be anywhere else, Cas.”

Dean was trying so hard to let Castiel know how much he wanted to be with him. Making that final decision when he saw Castiel lying in a hospital bed with his life and their future together hanging in the balance. Dean knew he might not have long left, but nothing was set in stone. He wasn’t ready to say goodbye just yet.

Dean attempted a weak kiss to the skin of Castiel’s throat. Little moan of pleasure the only encouragement Dean needed to move his lips up to Castiel’s mouth. He was hesitant and unsteady at first, but Dean’s warmth against his tongue was something too tempting to ignore. Dean deepened the kiss when Castiel pushed into it. They lay together on the bed and swallowed each other’s breath, trying to kiss away all the pain and doubt. Dean felt his cock stiffen, moving his hand down Castiel’s body. Stopping when he realized Castiel wasn't even slightly aroused. His dick was limp and unresponsive. Dean massaged it just to make sure. Nothing. Dean pulled his mouth away, desperately manipulating the area over his groin. Castiel seemed oblivious while he let Dean kiss him again. Hands still resting by his sides.

“Cas?” Dean wasn’t sure he should really say anything but he just couldn’t help himself. Castiel's lips were shining with the slick of Dean’s tongue, irises full and black. Dean could see the desire in them. The only hint he wanted some sexual contact. “What’s the matter?”

“I’m sorry, Dean. I just… I don’t feel _anything_.” Castiel sucked his bottom lip into his mouth and turned his face away. Dean tried not to let the disappointment show on his face. 

“Hey, it’s no problem. You need to rest, anyway.” Dean planted one last kiss on Castiel's face and pushed himself up from the bed, gently pulling the covers over Castiel's body before shutting the blind. “Sleep, Cas. I’ll check on you later.” Dean closed the door behind him and leaned against it, breathing deep to try and subdue the crushing feeling of failure. He could already hear Castiel’s soft breaths while he drifted back to sleep.

_That's the only thing I have to give him, and even that isn't enough._

_____

Dean had another go the next day but the response was still the same. Castiel promised it wasn’t because he didn’t want to. He was just finding it difficult to get hard. Castiel even tried to stimulate himself but it was useless and only made him sore.

“It'll pass.” Castiel told him, desperate for Dean to understand it wasn’t his fault. Suspecting his impotence was caused by abrupt withdrawal from the tablets. He still felt so weak.

Dean would make Castiel happy again. He just had to be patient. Dean cuddled up close to him on the bed while he tried to keep his hands above Castiel’s waist. It was tortuous. He wanted to give the pleasure he knew he could, remembering how responsive Cas was before. The image of him tied up and bent over was a constant presence in the back of his mind. Dean wanted that again so bad it made his body ache. Dean ran his fingers through Castiel’s hair.

“I just want it to be like it was, Cas.” He said suddenly. Castiel tensed under his touch, but he couldn’t stop the words pouring out. There was so much Dean wanted to say. “Listen, I know you’re scared and still pissed with me.” Castiel hushed him.

“Dean, I'm not pissed at you.” Castiel turned to face him. “I'm scared, very scared. I love you so much, you don’t even know.” Dean reached around and grabbed his ass to pull him closer.

“We’re gonna start again, okay? I want to make you happy. Wanna do stuff for you again. Soon as you’re completely better I’m gonna make sure you can’t possibly live without me.” Castiel actually laughed, pushing his hips against him.

“Dean, I think you managed that already. I was lost without you. Can't you understand that’s why I'm so scared?” 

“I think so.” Dean was nowhere near ready to have a conversation about what Castiel was going to do after he was gone. “Hey, if you’re well enough tomorrow, I could take you up to the lake.” Dean wanted to give them something to look forward to. Stop him from thinking about that too much. Castiel smiled, nuzzling the top of his head against Dean’s cheek. “You’d like that, huh?” Dean teased, letting Castiel snuggle into his chest.

“I’d like that.” Castiel sighed happily. “I’d like that very much.”

_____

Dean was up and dressed before Castiel was even awake. A nervous flutter in his stomach at the thought of them being together like before sent a wonderful surge of warmth through his body. Dean was determined to get that feeling back for good. He packed a modest lunch and just started filling up the flask with fresh coffee when he heard Castiel coming downstairs. Dean met him at the bottom and grabbed Castiel before he had a chance to open his mouth. Dean pulled him in, pressing many quick kisses to his face and licking a long wet trail up the curve of his throat. Castiel held a breath when Dean caressed his ass with both hands.

“Morning, beautiful.” He whispered softly. Castiel was frowning, eyes fixed on Dean’s mouth.

“You alright?” He asked slowly. Dean grinned, spinning him around with one hand before he moved in again. Kneading Castiel's butt before daring another quick squeeze.

“Yeah, I think I am.” Dean smiled. “It’s gonna be okay, Cas. I promise.”

When they got to the lake, they sat by the edge of the water and ate the lunch Dean prepared with so much care. Castiel looked happy, and Dean was stoked he could manage to make him smile again. He seemed much better. Both cheeks washed with a soft rosy glow. Dean hoped it was a sign Castiel was recovering and not just a result of so much fresh air. His eyes were sparkling when he watched the little fish dart between the wooden arches holding up the jetty. Dean was the most attentive and loving he had ever been, making a point of packing away the picnic box to carry Castiel down to the other side of the bank in his arms so he wouldn’t graze his feet on the pebbles. They cuddled up on the grass, throwing small stones into the water, and watching the fish scatter when they dropped to the bottom. Afternoon sun was bathing Castiel’s face in golden light. Dean wanted the moment to last forever. He wished he could say it. Those three little words Castiel needed to hear so badly. The voice in his head said it a thousand times over but it just wouldn’t come out. Castiel was leaning heavily against Dean’s chest. He could feel the pulse of his heart. So strong, he couldn’t believe it wouldn’t beat forever. Castiel pushed the thought away and covered Dean’s hands with his own where they were resting against his stomach.

“Dean?” Castiel murmured quietly. “If we could be together forever, would it make you happy?” 

Dean hesitated. 

“You know it would.” He released a shallow breath. Sweeping across Castiel’s cheek and warming his skin. “Why?”

“No particular reason.” Castiel was staring up at the sky, watching clouds drift overhead. “I was just thinking about something.” Dean cuddled Castiel tighter, letting both hands drop a little lower while he brushed a soft kiss against him.

“Let me make love to you.” Dean whispered.

“Dean.” Castiel answered quietly. “You know I can’t right now.” Dean stroked his hands along the inside of Castiel’s thighs, sucking hungrily at his neck. Voice muffled when words vibrated against Castiel’s skin.

“I didn’t say _you_ had to do anything.” Dean laughed. Castiel turned to him with a smile, trying to catch Dean’s gaze.

“That would be rather redundant then, wouldn’t it?” He knew Dean was much happier than he had been for days. More than willing to indulge him for a while. Dean ran a wet mouth along the side of Castiel’s throat.

“Not necessarily.” Castiel's resolve started to give under the seductive touch, letting Dean cover him with spit. Dean gently encouraged him to lay on the grass, placing gentle kisses along trembling skin after hitching up his shirt. Castiel pushed his fingers into Dean’s hair while he moved his mouth lower.

“Dean, not here.” Castiel murmured faintly, never very good at refusing Dean's requests. He could feel the soft press of lips trailing up his abdomen. Jerking his hips up in response. Dean got a pleasant surprise when he felt something hard push against him. He stared down at Castiel with a wicked glint in his eyes.

“So - I found out what turns you on, you kinky son of a bitch.” Dean laughed, playfully tapping him on the butt. Castiel blushed and propped himself up on his elbows.

“Stop it, Dean. I am not.” Castiel's eyes darted around, making sure they were alone. “I just feel a bit better today and your lips are very soft.” Dean took a risk and pushed Castiel down again before yanking his shirt a little higher.

“Tell me if you want me to stop.” Dean murmured against Castiel's stomach, running his mouth along the line of his erection where it was pushing eagerly against his jeans. Castiel nodded, biting his lip and tilting his head back until he could feel damp grass drench his hair. He closed his eyes and let Dean slide the tips of his fingers inside, massaging the area just above his dick. Castiel gave himself over to the warm sensation of pleasure. Dean pulled his cock free after an awkward fumble, slowly starting to draw the tip into his mouth. Castiel dug his fingertips into Dean’s shoulders while he sucked it all in until his mouth was so full he could hardly breathe. Castiel stifled a gasp when Dean reached the base.

“Dean.”

“You want me to stop?” Dean asked quietly. Words indistinct while he shaped them around the hard length. Dean moved his mouth carefully up and down, knowing Castiel was close. He gave it a few more determined plunges until a sudden rush of warm fluid covered the inside of his throat. Castiel shuddered and sank his fingers in even harder.

“You can stop now.” Castiel whispered. Dean sat up with a smile, wiping one hand across his mouth to remove some spunk that spilled from the corners when he pulled away from Castiel’s dick. He laughed.

“Yeah. Thanks, Cas. I got that.” Dean felt a surge of satisfaction wash over him at the flush spreading over pink cheeks. Castiel quickly pushed his dick back into his jeans. Dean pulled his shirt down to stop him getting cold, settling between his legs so he could reach around his waist. Dean was resting his chin in the dip of Castiel's shoulder. He couldn’t stop thinking about what the doctor told him, his own guilt dreadfully suffocating even in the wide open space of the reserve. Dean took a chance on trying to get Cas to come out from under his little cloud of denial so they could really talk about why he started taking Lily’s pills in the first place. Dean was pretty sure he already knew the answer, but he wanted Castiel to say it anyway. “Cas, can I ask you something?” He felt Castiel nod against the side of his face. “What happened at the hospital?” Their complete lack of communication had always been the one thing that let them down, both wanting to protect each other from pain. It only led to lies and secrets, and Dean didn’t want that anymore.

“I don’t want to talk about that today.” Castiel whispered. 

“I know you weren’t the same when you came back. Please tell me what happened.” 

Castiel’s body was shaking in his embrace. Dean just caught a muffled sob against his cheek.

“Remember when you were in hospital and you told me I saved you?” Dean murmured a confirmation, surprised Castiel even remembered. It all seemed so very long ago now. Castiel turned around, eyes glistening. “I didn’t save you though, Dean. I couldn’t save you, not really.”

“Cas, you did.” Castiel had finally admitted the depth of his pain. Wonderful and tragic at the same time. “You've made me happier than I ever thought I could be.”

“Really?” Castiel asked quietly. “Do you _really_ mean that?” Dean nodded. _With everything._ Castiel never imagined he could ever love anyone as much as he loved Dean. “I was thinking the same thing about you.” Castiel smiled. “I know I'm a mess sometimes but you do make me happy, Dean.” Dean was so very sorry he kept the truth from him. He only meant to protect Castiel's heart, not break it. Something in those blue eyes was burning bright just under the surface. Castiel suddenly grabbed Dean's face in his hands. Impetuous and scared, but he had to say it. “Stay with me. Stay with me forever.” Dean stared back, opening his mouth like he was going to answer but nothing came out. Castiel swallowed hard. “Dean, I’m asking you to promise yourself to me. Forever.” He whispered, hands still resting on Dean's face. 

“Cas.” Dean stammered. He couldn’t find anything to say. Castiel wished Dean could understand just how important he was to him. 

“You know you kept asking me about the butterflies?” Dean nodded against his palms. “I'm ready to tell you now.” Dean had never seen him look so determined. “I couldn’t before. It felt like it was just too much and I didn’t wanna scare you.” Castiel looked like he was trying to fight a smile. “Judging by the look on your face, I think it’s a little late for that but anyway - they're a symbol of eternal love, Dean. I really believe you're the man I waited all my life for. The butterfly is about finding the other half of your soul.” Dean was watching Castiel’s mouth, own voice reluctant to come while a thousand thoughts stormed through his mind. He didn’t reply. “You don’t have to say anything right now. I already know what I want. Tell me when you decide if you want that too. I'll still be here. I'll always be here.”

They walked back to the car in silence. Castiel was quiet, but Dean was thinking too hard about everything he said to notice. He wanted to talk to Sam. Dean pulled out his cell to send a quick text arranging to meet back at the house. He had no idea what he was going to say, but Dean knew he needed his brother. Castiel deliberately left Dean alone with his thoughts, terrified he would think his sudden display of devotion was too much. 

_____

Soundtrack Chapter 9: [ **Rescue**  (Seabird)](http://www.loudtronix.co/listenYT.php?name=Rescue+by+SeaBird+\(lyrics\)&show=true&url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XXgjWXfQlFs)


	10. Silent Lucidity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean confides his deepest fears to Sam, and Jess offers Castiel support. Sam finds out the truth about just how complicated Dean's relationship with Cas has become. Something Jess says puts everything in a new perspective. Dean can finally admit how much he loves Castiel, and give him the answer he is waiting for.

Chapter 10      **Silent Lucidity _._**

Sam was already waiting on the path outside when the Impala pulled up. Standing on the bottom step with one hand pushed into his pocket - other wrapped around his cell while he scanned through the messages. Hair falling over his face so his expression was mostly hidden, apart from his mouth which was only just visible under the edge of his fringe. Sam looked up when he heard the car grind to a halt, lifting up a large hand in greeting. Castiel seemed surprised. Dean hadn’t told him Sam was coming, but Castiel imagined that fateful question sent all sorts of possibilities rattling through Dean’s head. He kind of expected the stunned silence that followed, not going to push Dean for an answer just yet. Amazed at the way it just spilled out. Castiel wanted to say it for a while, but now his emotions were completely laid bare. Leaving his heart vulnerable and exposed. Castiel didn't want Sam to know what happened at the lake, but smiled at him anyway.

Dean got out and hurried around the back to open the door for him. Obvious desire to help Castiel get better apparently having a wonderful effect on him. Castiel looked so happy when he gazed up at Dean and took his hand. His legs were still shaky when he straightened up. 

“Dean, I’m not made of glass.” Castiel whispered. “I won’t break.” Dean smiled back, but a cold warning flooded his stomach. The once bright blue eyes were sometimes so full of hopelessness. Dean couldn’t remember the last time he saw them sparkle.

_You’re already broken._

“I know, baby.” Dean forced a laugh, trying to push the thought from his mind. “Just humour me.” Castiel blinked when he slipped his arm through Dean’s and stepped out. He really did love when Dean called him that. Sam's eyes drifted down to where their arms were locked together, pretending he hadn’t noticed.

“Hello, Sam.” Castiel said politely.

“Hey, Cas.” Sam pushed the hair back from his face before glancing at his brother. “Dean.” He added quietly, a secretive look passing between them. Castiel knew there was something else there, not meant for him to understand. It made him nervous, wondering just how much Dean told Sam already or if he knew about the hospital admission. Castiel tugged on Dean's arm. 

“Come on, let’s go inside.” His voice sounded much lighter than he felt. Dean helped Castiel up the steps. “No Jess?” Castiel reached for the door key. There was a slight pause before Sam coughed and looked at Dean again.

“Yeah, she’s still in the car. I think she wanted to talk to you, Cas.” He muttered. Castiel turned his attention back to Sam and pushed the door open.

“Oh? Okay. Go in then, I'll go speak to her.” Dean slipped off his jacket and slung it casually over the bottom of the stairs. Sam was watching him when he headed for the kitchen. Instinctively picking up the coffee pot and reaching into one of the cupboards for the sugar. Dean knew where everything was, effortlessly moving around Castiel’s kitchen. Sam smiled. It was _home_.

Castiel walked over to the car, shielding his eyes from the bright glare of sunlight. He crossed the street, trying hard to subdue the nervous anticipation churning in his stomach when he reached the opposite side. Jess was waving enthusiastically at him from behind the glass, red lips curved into a wide smile. She looked genuinely pleased to see him. They smiled at each other when she got out, already reaching up for a hug. Castiel looked so much different than she remembered. He was definitely leaner across the chest, face drawn and much paler than it was at the end of the summer when she saw him last. He looked very tired.

“Cas.” She breathed, wrapping both arms about his neck. “I’m so glad to see you. You look well.” She added, kissing his cheek. Jess was grateful he couldn't see her face clearly. She always was a terrible liar. Castiel sighed into her hair.

“We both know that’s not true.” He whispered, content to let her embrace him.

Jess pulled away with a sympathetic smile, lifting one hand up to brush against his cheek. His skin felt so cold, she drew back in surprise. A wash of pity sweeping through her when she glanced over his delicate features. She just wanted to hug him again.

“What happened?” Jess asked gently. Castiel tried to hold her gaze, but the piercing intensity of her searching eyes was too much. He stared off into the distance, over her shoulder and down the quiet street. Only sound the rustle of fallen leaves as they fluttered restlessly in the soft breeze of early autumn. There was a chill edge to the air, the beautiful summer they shared fading out of memory for another year. Castiel wondered sadly if it would be Dean’s last, shivering when he pulled his jacket a little tighter. It seemed to hang off him now. 

“Let’s go for a walk.” He said slowly, crooking his elbow and waiting for Jess to slip her arm through it. His eyes flicked back to the house when they set off up the path together. Sam already closed the door. There were no shadows in any of the windows.

“He’ll be alright for a few minutes without you.” Jess laughed, bumping her hip against his side. Castiel turned his face away. Jess watched the way his lips pressed together in an effort to keep many emotions hidden beneath the tight expression. There was a small twitch in one cheek when he swallowed down the words threatening to spill out and betray him. “So?” Jess continued, deliberately changing the tone of conversation. She desperately wanted to ask him about everything that happened, but Castiel looked so breakable she decided to wait a little longer. A shallow stream of breath clouded the air around his mouth. “You alright?” Jess attempted a subtle squeeze of encouragement where her fingers were resting on his arm. 

“A little better, now.” He replied in a low voice.

Jess nodded thoughtfully. They once seemed so happy, so free. The last time they were all together was the day at Hunter’s Point. Dean never shared any details, but Jess knew there was something very special about that afternoon they spent sipping lemonade under an avenue of orange trees. She smiled at the memory.

“Good.” She said quietly. “You gave us a bit of a scare, you know.” 

Castiel flinched. He couldn’t look at her.  


“I did, huh?”

Jess tightened the grip on his arm when they neared the corner of the road.

“Yeah. Dean looked like hell last time I saw him. I thought maybe you split up for good. I’m so glad you let him come back.”

_She doesn’t know about me. _Castiel thought, a particularly sharp blast of crisp air blasting against them and casting their hair in different directions. Castiel couldn’t resist a backwards glance over his shoulder to remind himself Dean was waiting for him. He had been wonderfully attentive of late, and Castiel couldn’t remember the last time they spent more than a few minutes apart. He felt like he was being drawn home to him, slowly turning to head back up the street.__

“Oh, that.“ Castiel murmured. “Well, we didn’t really. It was just a stupid misunderstanding.”

“Why? What did you think I meant?” Jess asked, suspecting Castiel was hiding something. “I thought it must have hit you hard. That’s why you look so - ” She managed to stop herself from finishing the sentence. 

“That’s okay.” Castiel said gently. “I know I look like crap. I… I’ve been ill.” His voice was hushed. “Really quite ill, but I feel much better now. Dean's been playing doctor so I'm making the most of that.” Jess seemed to brighten when he smiled.

“I bet he has.” She grinned. “Has he got the outfit and everything?” Castiel could feel the tips of his ears burning.

“Not like that!” He spluttered, laughing along with her. Jess took in a breath of fresh air, her face suddenly growing serious when her painted mouth dipped down. She patted his arm affectionately. Castiel could see her fondness for him shine through her eyes, warming his heart a little while they walked back up the road.

_____

Dean and Sam were sharing a coffee while they waited for Castiel and Jess to return. Sam had been trying to guess why Dean was so desperate for his advice. His text had been vague at best. Dean rarely asked for help from anyone, especially Sam. When he did it was usually to borrow money or beg a lift somewhere. He looked agitated, tapping the tips of his fingers against the cup. Now he actually had Sam there he didn't know how to start a conversation they both knew was overdue.

“Come on, then.” Sam tried. "What did you wanna talk about?" Dean was planning to work up to it slowly but that was apparently no longer an option. “Dean, you didn’t ask me to come over for nothing.” Sam encouraged. “What is it? Is it Cas?” He was just trying to work through a list of things that might get to Dean so bad it was okay to drag his brother halfway across town on a maybe. Sam was pretty sure Castiel had been top of that list for some considerable time. Dean predictably nodded, not sure what else to say. Still looking at Sam with pleading eyes like he was hoping he would just figure it out himself. “Dean.” Sam added sternly. “Just tell me.” Dean steered Sam through to the living room. They sat opposite each other on the couch for a bit before Sam felt the need to prompt him again. “So - Cas?” Sam reminded him. Dean licked his bottom lip.

“Yeah, sorry. There’s a lot of shit I need to sort through. I don’t know who else to talk to.” Sam saw something in Dean's eyes he never had before, wondering what other emotions Castiel managed to free from a lifetime of hiding. Dean's legs were set apart, hands dropped down between his knees. Gaze fixed on the floor. “Me and Cas.” Dean began quietly, already uncomfortable. Admitting he had fallen in love with another man was one thing, but discussing it with his baby brother was a whole new level of weird. Dean could feel a warm flush spreading up his neck. “He asked me something and it’s really fucked up my head.” 

“Why?”

Dean shook his head.

“'Cause I don't really know what he meant. I kinda think there are two possibilities - and both of 'em scare the shit outta me.”

“Okay.” Sam muttered. Dean needed to keep talking to get it all out. There wasn’t much Sam could say to that, anyway. “What, exactly?”

“That’s the thing. I’m not sure what he was saying.” Dean tried to recall their visit to the lake. “His exact words were something like - " He dug for a clearer memory. “Stay with me forever.” 

“So you two are definitely a thing then, that’s cool.” Sam seemed to be thinking about the complexities of that in his head when his eyes suddenly flicked back up. “Sorry, I don’t understand. Why is that a bad thing?” Dean stumbled over the next sentence. Sam had such a simple view of the world. If he wasn’t feeling so nervous, Dean might even have laughed.

“Dude, I’m serious. It’s not, but there was just something about the way he said it. I dunno.” Dean sighed. “He’s not been feeling so good lately. I was worried he might have been hinting at like _forever_ , forever.” Dean whispered the last word like a fateful echo. “He has been pretty down since we had that fight.” Sam reached for Dean’s arm.

“You don’t think he’d do anything - ” 

Dean stopped him.

“I don’t think so.” Dean answered quickly. “I don’t know what to think. His sister died of an overdose. I know how badly that hurt him. Still does.”

“Huh.” Sam exhaled. “I didn’t know that.” 

Dean shrugged, carefully putting his cup on the floor between his feet.

“No reason why you would.”

“So what do you think he meant, then?

“More like he wanted me to promise myself to him.” Dean could hardly speak through the knot in his throat.

“Oh.” Sam said, after a long pause. “I thought that was still banned here. Surely, he knows that.” 

Dean wound his fingers together. 

“Suppose. I think it was more like something just between us, but it’s still a fucking big deal to me. Don’t think I ever had a relationship that lasted even half this long. I don’t know what to do.” Sam tried to filter through it all. Much more had obviously passed between them during their time together than Sam first imagined. He was very concerned about how badly Castiel was dealing with Dean’s illness, a spike of fear for his brother suddenly shooting down his spine.

“Dean?” Sam asked softly. There were many more words hidden behind his name. “Do you love him?” Dean bowed his head low before he gave Sam a single nod. The room was almost silent while they sat facing each other. “Have you told him that?” 

“I can’t. I think it sometimes, but it doesn’t seem to wanna come out. Some days I feel like I’m playing Russian roulette and I’m on the last chamber. Like not saying it would make it easier somehow when I’m gone. He’s not gonna cope, Sam.” Dean closed his eyes. “I’m worried about him. He was a mess when I was only gone for a few days.” 

Sam smiled. 

“So were you, remember?” Dean gave him a death glare for even taking the time to point that out. “Anyway, don’t talk like that. You could have years left if you take it easy, you know that.” Sam encouraged, but Dean wasn’t really listening anymore. That familiar feeling of hopelessness and guilt resurfaced without warning as soon as he thought about how much damage he had already done to Castiel. Thoughts tumbled out of his mouth before he had the presence of mind to stop them.

“He’s got so weak, Sam. Weak and needy and... fucks sake, I shoulda just walked away.” The last word trailed off into nothing. Dean's eyes suddenly flicked back up when he heard a gasp. Castiel and Jess were standing motionless in the doorway. Jess was biting her lip and Castiel was staring at Dean in horror, both arms wrapped around his waist. He looked impossibly sad. Dean jumped up, heart thumping. “Cas. Hey, I didn’t mean it like that.” Dean stuttered, watching Castiel back out into the hallway. “Cas.” Dean called again, making a grab for his hand. “C’mere, babe. I didn’t mean it like that. Cas - ” Dean kept calling his name while he followed him up the stairs. By the time he reached the landing, the bathroom door slammed shut. Dean leaned against it, scrunching up his nose. An ominous silence followed. Dean thought he could hear small snuffling sounds, but they were muffled and indistinct. He banged on the door, feeling the frustration build every time Castiel ignored a request to come out. Dean decided to try a different strategy, dropping his voice low to try and persuade Castiel to let him in. “Please, Cas.” Dean was about to give up and leave him to sulk, painfully aware Sam and Jess were still downstairs and saw him run after Castiel like a pet dog. He was about to walk away when he heard the lock flick open. Castiel’s face appeared in the gap. Dean could see his eyes were wet. “Hey.” Dean breathed. “I’m sorry. I really didn’t mean it like that.” Castiel stared at him, eyes full of unspoken accusations. He was leaning against the door and Dean knew he wouldn’t be able to get in without forcing it, so he waited. “Let me in.”

Castiel stepped back, letting Dean ease it open. He fumbled for Castiel’s hand, wrapping his fingers around it to pull Castiel towards him. Dean brushed his mouth against Castiel's cheek. He didn’t pull away.

“What did you mean, then?” Castiel pouted, eyeing him suspiciously. Dean tried hard to smile.

“I meant I should have walked away from ever causing you pain. That's all. I didn’t walk away though did I, baby?“ Dean encouraged. Castiel’s expression seemed to soften, trying to understand why Dean would say something so hurtful. “I couldn’t.” Dean continued. “I knew I was the reason you were sad, and I still couldn’t leave. I keep saying you’re too good for me, but I want you to love me, Cas.” Dean's voice was almost a whisper. “It makes me whole, _you_ make me whole.” Castiel could feel the grip around his heart start to fade away. Dean looked so desperate for forgiveness, Castiel couldn’t even find it in him to be mad anymore.

“I do, Dean. You know I do. I wouldn’t have asked you to make this your home if I didn’t still feel the same. I don’t understand why you always doubt me.” Castiel stroked the side of Dean’s finger where it was curved around his hand. Dean dared another smile, pulling Castiel in even more until they were rubbing up against each other. Dean pressed his hips against him, dipping his head low enough to look into Castiel’s eyes. He moved in slowly. Slight hesitation almost making him abandon the kiss, but he couldn’t do that either. Dean dragged his lips lightly over Castiel’s mouth, waiting for him to kiss back. Slipping one arm around Castiel’s back and holding him close to his chest so he couldn’t move away. Dean made deliberate hums of desire while he moved his hand seductively over Castiel's body and up the dip in his spine. He could almost feel the moment when Castiel’s resolve broke. He started to return frantic kisses, whimpering shamelessly against Dean's lips. Dean pushed him roughly against the door, running both hands along his sides and down to his ass. Castiel was losing control again, almost incoherent while he murmured Dean’s name against his tongue. Dean held him possessively, sucking a dark mark into his neck. Castiel let Dean touch every part he could reach until they were both startled by a subtle cough behind them. Dean pulled his mouth away and turned to see Sam standing on the stairs. He was flushed pink all the way up to his cheekbones.

“Shit.” Dean muttered, reluctantly wrenching himself away from Castiel’s body and forcing down the swelling in his jeans before his brother realized exactly what they were doing. It didn't really matter considering Sam just saw them violently groping and kissing each other by the time they realized he was watching them. He turned his face away and pushed one hand through his hair.

“I just wanted to see if you were alright up here, sorry.” Sam stammered, quickly descending the steps two at a time. Castiel and Dean exchanged an awkward glance before they both started to laugh quietly at the expression on Sam’s face when he caught them making out.

“Sorry, Dean.” Castiel smiled.

“Don’t worry about it. I think he kinda guessed we do that, anyway.” Dean replied. “It'll give him something to talk about for a while. Come on, we better go down.” 

Castiel rearranged the shirt where Dean pulled it out his jeans in his eagerness to touch his body. Dean leaned in close. Brushing the back of his hand across a soft cheek, and stealing one last gentle kiss from Castiel's lips before following Sam back downstairs. He found him in the kitchen, washing up the mugs with a little more force than necessary. Dean watched his shoulders twitch from the effort.

“Sorry.” Dean said quietly, wash of embarrassment flooding over him. He hadn't expected to feel quite so awkward about being caught with his tongue down Castiel’s throat.

“Dean, you don’t need to apologize. It’s your house.” Sam replied amiably, swilling the water to rinse out the pots before putting them on the drainer. It made Dean feel warm inside. He never had a home, a real home. Sam put the last cup on the side and looked over his shoulder. “What?” Sam smiled, slowly turning around. Wiping his hands dry on the cloth before depositing it next to the upturned mugs. “Dean, I’m not that stupid I don’t know what you two get up to when the lights go out.” He laughed when Dean felt his face grow even warmer. “Hey.” Sam raised both hands to stop Dean filling in too many details. “Please, don’t elucidate.” Dean suddenly felt like a huge weight had been lifted. Sam indulged him with another playful smile.

“Sure?” Dean teased.

“Sure.” Sam nodded, patting Dean affectionately on the back. “You two alright?” Dean knew that question was meant to run much deeper than the last few minutes.

“Yeah.” Dean answered, lines around his mouth slowly disappearing. “Yeah, I think so.”

They headed back to the living room. Castiel was watching Jess in silence while she leafed through the photo album Dean seemed so fascinated with before. She picked it up from the dresser while they were upstairs and hadn’t even heard Castiel come down. Dean smiled when he saw her stop on the same photograph of Lily. Jess ran one of her fingers lightly across the surface, staring at the little girl’s face. Her resemblance to Castiel was uncanny. She knew it must have been someone very close to him, not sure why he never mentioned her.

“My sister.” Castiel said in a quiet whisper, approaching the back of the couch and leaning forward so his head was almost resting on her shoulder. Jess looked up. “Her name was Lily.” 

“She’s beautiful.” Jess breathed sadly, guessing the girl was now just a memory in a faded photograph and nothing more. “What happened?”

Dean glanced anxiously at Castiel, knowing how much it still hurt to be reminded of her death. Dean suspected it was the crushing guilt that haunted him rather than the fact she wasn’t here anymore. Dean wanted to reach out and touch him. Tell Cas everything would be alright, but he knew one day it wouldn’t. It seemed cruel to perpetuate the lie.

“She died.” Castiel said simply. There was no point in trying to sugar coat it. Jess presumed as much. Castiel reached over her shoulder and ran his thumb across the picture. “She took an overdose. She was only twenty-two.” He sighed. Jess could feel his breath against the side of her face. She took his hand when he sat down next to her. Castiel leaned into her while they gazed at the photograph together. Jess tried to get him to talk about her. Dean was mad with himself for feeling a sting of resentment. Castiel seemed so ready to discuss it with Jess when he refused to do the same when Dean asked him. He hated that bothered him more than it should. If they started talking about death, Castiel might start to panic again and the rest of the evening would be spent trying to placate his dark mood. Dean had already decided on another direction he was hoping to take Castiel in later. He was still really wound up from the passionate kiss they shared before Sam disturbed them. It took a long time for that damn erection to go down. He could still feel the itch of lust scratching at the inside of his skin with the desire to hold Castiel close again. Trying hard to stop himself from thinking about that too much with his brother in the room. “It still makes me sad.” Castiel sighed, studying his sister’s face. The image was so familiar he could remember every small line and contour. Jess caressed the back of his hand with her thumb. Dean forced himself not to be distracted by such an intimate gesture. He didn’t like it at all, and the possessive streak that still needed to dominate Castiel was taking over. Fucking off logic and feeding his jealousy. It threatened to make him say something he might regret. Jess suddenly pulled her hand away and passed the album to Castiel.

“All that lives must die.” She murmured thoughtfully. “Passing through nature to eternity.” Castiel shut the album.

“It’s a little early to be quoting from Hamlet, don’t you think?” Jess nodded, pleased Castiel understood the reference. “I know that.” 

Jess turned to him with an expression he never saw on her before.

“Do you believe you'll see her again?” She asked. It was so unexpected, Castiel paused. He exchanged a hesitant look with Dean.

“I do.” He answered quietly.

“Then, why are you sad?” Jess asked. Castiel struggled to come up with anything that would justify all the years of doubt and pain. 

“I don’t know.” Everything he could never let go of was suddenly set free. That faith invalidating all the reasons he always felt so sad and alone. Those five simple words had suddenly pounded at his defenses and lifted a dark cloud that hid him away from the sun for far too long.

All the fear drained away when he looked at Dean again, budding tears springing to his eyes and making them shine. Jess was so right. He spent so much time mourning Dean before he was dead, Castiel hadn't appreciated the precious minutes and hours he got to spend with him. Castiel pushed himself up from the couch and almost threw himself across the room in his haste to get to Dean. Rigid and unblinking for a second before he draped himself across Dean's body like he never wanted to let him go. Dean noticed the change in his eyes first. There was something deep and serious behind them, but it didn’t make him sad anymore. Castiel was gazing at him like the first time again. There would be no more doubt and shadow. Castiel wanted to remember the things that made him happy. The last gift he could give Dean was to make sure all his memories were good. Castiel leaned into him. Dean understood now. In that one moment, nothing had ever been more important to him.

_Mourning is not for the dead. It's for the living who are left behind._

Jess nodded to Sam it was time for them to leave. She saw the look of absolute devotion Castiel had driven through the dark blue pools of his eyes. They needed some time alone. Sam had to be almost physically dragged out to the car while Jess tried to explain the finer points of make-up sex. He was frowning at her all the way to the front door. She turned to Dean with her hand up, thumb and little finger spread wide to show Dean he should call her later and tell her all the delicious details. Dean gave her a lop-sided smile before he closed his eyes and leaned into Castiel’s embrace. It was going to be alright. He would show Castiel just how much he meant to him by the way he pleasured his body and drew precious sounds from his lips when he made love to him. Keep his heart safe for as long as he had left. Castiel didn’t even hear the door close while he let Dean carry him upstairs to their bedroom.

Dean ran his hands longingly over Castiel’s body as they lay together, more receptive to Dean’s touch than ever before. Dean slowly undressed him, whispering promises of affection into his ear. Castiel imagined this so long ago when he sat by Dean's bedside in hospital. Dean covered Castiel's body with soft and gentle kisses, running his mouth down his stomach. Dean pushed Castiel back on the bed. He moaned loudly when Dean caressed his swollen dick with tender strokes. Castiel writhed beneath him, giving himself over to the rush of pleasure Dean sent spiralling through him with every wet line of his mouth. Dean curled his fingers around Castiel's dick, relentlessly twisting and pulling on it until he knew Castiel was about to come by the fractured whimpers pouring from his mouth. Dean almost brought him to climax in a couple of minutes.

“Dean, fuck me. Please, I want to feel you inside me.” Castiel almost wept, powerful emotions dominating all his senses. He had given himself to Dean so many times before, but it was nothing like this. This was a declaration of their love, and Castiel understood the implications completely. Dean hurriedly reached for his own cock and lined Castiel’s body up so he could slide into him. Dean wanted to claim him like this before. Wanted to take him and make him submit, but this was different. There was an unspoken bond forming between them, fighting all the pain that once brought them together. Castiel couldn't hold back the wash of pleasure, arching up into Dean’s body when he bent over him. Dean was pinning him down, eyes reflecting everything he tried so hard to keep in check since Castiel’s return from the hospital. Dean wasn't holding back anymore and thrust into him. Something so deep and meaningful in the way Dean poured himself into Castiel with everything he had. Tears of happiness flowed freely from Castiel's eyes, while Dean pounded against his ass. Raw emotions flooding out as Dean plunged in and out of his body until he could feel them drench his senses and blur his vision. Castiel was begging Dean to swear a vow to him while he was on the very edge of orgasm, watching the way Castiel’s mouth shaped his name with reverence while he waited for the inevitable surge of gratification. Castiel was taking everything Dean had to give. Reaching down to rub his fingers between the hilt of Dean’s cock where it was thrusting into him and the soft spread of dirty blonde hair at the base.

Dean suddenly felt overwhelming ecstasy when a blinding orgasm rushed out, emptying himself into Castiel’s body. The one question Castiel asked at the lake kept playing on a loop in the back of his mind. Dean wasn't sure if his next thought was a response to the persuasive pull of crashing sensations when he came, or something much deeper inside him that craved for acceptance and love. He wanted to tell Castiel the decision he actually made much earlier. Castiel was everything he always wanted and Dean was finally prepared to admit that to himself. He was ready.

“Yes, Cas.” Dean breathed in a whisper, pumping everything he had into Castiel before collapsing on his chest. “The answer is yes.”

_____

Soundtrack Chapter 10: [ **Safe and Sound**  (Taylor Swift)](http://www.loudtronix.co/listenYT.php?name=Safe+and+Sound+-+Taylor+Swift+\(lyrics\)&show=true&url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vu9_NB2gtIo)


	11. My Sweet Prince

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Castiel arrange to make their promise to each other official and invite Sam and Jess to bear witness to their exchange of vows. Dean shares his thoughts with his brother and tells him he intends to stay with Castiel until the end. Their promises are barely spoken before that fateful intention comes to take Dean away from Castiel forever.

Chapter 11     **My Sweet Prince**

Castiel smiled softly when Dean eventually pulled out, snuggling next to him with a satiated sigh. Castiel rested his head on Dean's shoulder while he waited for him to say something more. Happiness rushing through him when Dean finally gave the answer he wanted so desperately. He suddenly felt very insecure, knowing Dean only agreed to it just before the surge of pleasure took him. Castiel needed him to say it cold before he would truly believe, still not sure Dean really loved him. He never said it. Castiel could hear his own heart beating. Something fluttered in his stomach when he looped one arm around Dean’s waist and stroked his skin with trembling fingertips. 

“Dean?” He asked sleepily, caressing his side.

“Hmm?”

“Do you mean it?”

“What?” Dean murmured, also fading into sleep. Castiel wrapped one leg over his thighs.

“You know what.” Castiel said quietly. Dean hummed a laugh, nudging his hip against him.

“Kidding.” He whispered. “Yes, I mean it. Now shut up and let me go to sleep.” He kissed the top of Castiel’s head.

“It’s only half-past six.”

“Well, that’s your fault for wearing me out.”

“Complaining?”

“Hell, no.” Dean laughed again. “You let me have an hour and I might just be up for round two.” Castiel nuzzled against him.

“Deal.”

_____

Castiel blinked his eyes open. It was dark outside. They were still pressed together, and Castiel could smell the familiar scent of Dean’s body when he shifted and turned onto his back. Breaths still deep and regular. He didn’t even stir when Castiel threw back the sheets and got out of bed. He glanced at the clock, they must have been asleep for almost three hours. Dean was so tired lately.

Castiel pulled on his boxers before stretching out the covers to make sure Dean was comfortable, watching him silently for a few seconds. The gentle rise and fall of his chest, the peaceful expression. It helped to ease some of the fear still clawing at him, invading almost every waking thought. The fleeting happiness he felt when Dean agreed to make their partnership official was quickly dissipating into concern. Castiel couldn’t remember anything else before Dean. Even the watchful vigilance he spent next to him in the hospital was a hazy and distant memory. It felt like a lifetime, and minutes ago all at once. He closed his eyes shut like that would somehow make all the pain go away.

Castiel shivered, despite the warmth of the room. Taking one last glance at Dean’s face before slipping downstairs and opening up his laptop. He scrolled through endless websites to find someone who would be prepared to conduct a civil ceremony for them. He didn't know if Dean wanted them to swear their vows so formally but Castiel was hoping he wouldn’t mind. Dean was the only man he would ever want to be with, and if they were going to do this, then he would make damn sure they were going to do it properly. Castiel became more despondent with every new page of unbroken opposition to same-sex marriage. It made his heart ache. How anyone could say their love was unnatural or wrong was completely lost on him. He suddenly thought of his father.

 _Some things never change._ Castiel thought sadly, reading through the constitutional law for the state.

_The marriage contract is to be considered in law as a civil contract between two parties who are of opposite sex. All other marriages are declared to be contrary to the public policy of this state and are void._

Castiel closed the laptop with a thud. So much for living in a free world.

“Hey, what’s the matter?” Dean asked softly, pushing his fingers through messy hair. He was standing in the doorway, shaking the sleep away. He still looked very tired. “You're upset. What is it, babe?” Castiel hadn’t even heard Dean come down. So distracted and irritated. Not really wanting Dean to know quite how much their vows would mean to him. Intense emotions had caused so many problems before. Castiel was trying very hard to ignore all the terrifying things skittering around in his head and across his heart. He shrugged, but Dean went over to him anyway. He had got pretty good at soothing Castiel’s anxieties. Dean yawned and pulled out a chair, sitting down with his legs spread over the seat and leaning into Castiel’s space. “Didn’t hear you get up.” Dean murmured. “What you doing?”

Castiel pushed the computer away. He didn’t want to look at it anymore. Biting his bottom lip between his teeth and debating whether to tell Dean why he was so upset. Dean reached forward and took hold of his fingers, trying to get his attention by blowing a stream of breath over his face. The air tickled his cheek, and Dean smiled when he managed to draw a small laugh from his lips. Castiel tapped him playfully on the arm.

“Not much. Just trying to find someone to do a service for us.” Dean didn’t say anything. Castiel gave him a sidelong glance like he was silently judging his reaction. He didn’t look too terrified. “You don’t mind, do you?” Castiel didn't see Dean's mouth twitch. Still determined to try and make Cas happy. Dean couldn’t lose him again.

“No, Cas.” Dean replied quietly, struggling to keep his voice level. “I don’t mind.” Castiel seemed to relax, shoulders dropping a little lower. “So? What you find?” Dean leaned in even more until their lips were almost touching.

“I was just looking up some stuff on the internet, but I got annoyed with it so I turned it off.” Castiel said quickly, not wanting to go into too much detail in case Dean thought he was over-reacting again.

“Uh-huh.” Dean replied patiently. Castiel was worrying the inside of his cheek - something he always did when he was upset. Dean pressed gentle kisses up the line of his jaw and back to his mouth. “That still doesn’t explain why you’re upset. Don’t you dare say you’re not, 'cause I won’t believe you.” 

Castiel tried to smile.

“I don’t understand how love can ever be wrong. You can’t help who you fall in love with.” He said quietly, watching a flicker of lamp light skim across Dean’s eyes.

“I know.” Dean sighed. “But it is what it is, Cas. We can’t change it.” Castiel looked close to tears, so Dean kissed him again. “Hey, why don’t we just have it here? I’m sure we could get someone to do it. I said I would do this for you, and I meant it. I promised _you_ , not anyone else.” Castiel smiled again, more genuine this time.

“You’re right, Dean.” Castiel said decisively, staring at the curve of Dean’s lips. “I don't care what anyone else thinks. Do you want to ask Sam and Jess to be our witnesses?” Dean stalled. He couldn’t find a reason why he should have to consider that at all, but something held him back.

“I don’t know. I… er, I’ll have to think about it.”

“Okay.” Castiel replied shakily. Dean could see he was over-thinking stuff again, so he nudged him on the shoulder and stood up to put on some fresh coffee.

“Anyways, why don’t you make us some paper butterflies for the occasion?” Dean suggested, trying to ease the tension he could sense in the air when he left Castiel sitting at the table, pointlessly smoothing down the wood grain with restless fingers. “I can watch you. Reckon I could pick it up pretty quick. Doesn’t look so complicated.” He teased. Castiel gave him an indulgent nod. He really wanted something to distract himself, still finding it difficult to push out the persistent itch of want picking at his weakening resolve. Some days it felt like everything was pressing in on him and he couldn’t breathe. Castiel wandered upstairs to fetch some paper, making the decision to pack up all of Lily’s things in the morning and get rid of them for good. She was never coming back, and the constant shadow of her presence was reduced to the contents of a single cardboard box.

Castiel needed to make sure all traces of temptation were gone forever. Dean made him promise not to take any more pills and he sure as hell didn’t want to go back to hospital again. He didn’t even want to go outside. Entire existence now contained within the four confining walls of his house. There was an overwhelming desire to lock the rest of the world out and keep Dean safe. He felt a tightness in his chest that wouldn’t go away.

_Maybe if we just stay here together, everything will be alright. Nothing can hurt us._

Castiel was so desperate for something, anything to hold on to. He tried to squeeze behind the chair when he got back, but Dean quickly turned and grabbed Castiel by his hips to pull him on to his lap. Dean pushed up in a lustful bid for his attention, before settling Castiel between his thighs. Resting his chin on Castiel's shoulder so he could watch him but still be free to work on the paper. Dean studied the movement of his hands intently while he creased and folded the small coloured squares into the familiar contours of a butterfly. The four corners were almost perfectly formed. Dean nodded in approval at the skill Castiel always showed when he made the paper shapes. He placed his hand over Castiel’s where he was pinching the bottom crease together and gently took it from him. Dean twirled it around in his fingers, suddenly wrapping one arm around Castiel’s waist to pull him back against his chest. Castiel thought his grip was unnaturally tight, holding a breath while Dean’s heart pulsed against his spine.

“So delicate.” Dean murmured quietly. Castiel could feel one hand pressing into his stomach, a warm sigh grazing the back of his neck.

“Fragile.” Castiel whispered softly. “You made me feel like that once. Like a paper butterfly.” 

“What?”

“It doesn’t matter anymore.” Castiel leaned into Dean’s embrace. “None of it matters, not really. You’re here, Dean. You’re here with me.” Dean was still breathing heavily into the dip of his shoulder. The room was quiet while they sat together in the small kitchen, contemplating the complexities of life and how fleeting and inconsequential a single existence could be. Dean finally stirred, carefully putting the butterfly on the table.

“Yeah, well. Maybe that’s harder than it looks, after all.” Dean tried to redirect Castiel’s thoughts from thinking about death again when he sensed his calm fading. Fresh tears were sparkling in those blue eyes. “Cas... don’t.” Dean warned. He didn’t think he was strong enough himself to have that conversation right now and brushed soft lips against him. “Don’t think about it.” Castiel didn’t reply. He was still staring at the perfect lines of many folded edges. Dean ran his tongue over the curve of Castiel's ear to distract him, pushing his fingers down and slipping them inside his shorts. Castiel squirmed between Dean’s thighs when a jolt of pleasure shot through his groin. “Come back to bed.” Dean whispered. Castiel turned, trying to find Dean’s mouth but the angle was too awkward so he had to get up and swing himself around. His legs were wrapped over the top of Dean’s thighs when he leaned forward. They kissed for a long time until Dean couldn't stand it any longer and practically dragged Castiel back upstairs. They made love slowly that night. Dean could hear Castiel crying into his pillow while he drifted into a fitful sleep.

 _No more butterflies._ Dean thought, screwing his eyes shut and pretending he fell asleep straight after emptying himself inside Castiel. They just made Cas think about mortality and how it might feel to lose someone you love so completely. _The other half of my soul_. Castiel told him that day by the lake. Dean didn’t want to think about it anymore. He waited until he heard Castiel’s muffled sobs dissolve into nothing and Dean knew he finally succumbed to weariness. Dean might not be able to give him a lifetime, but he could give him one day. One day he would remember forever. Just one day where he could be happy.

_____

Next morning Dean woke up to find Castiel sitting in the middle of the floor, surrounded by the contents of the box that held all the memories of his sister. Dean sat up in bed, rubbing the drowsy feeling from his eyes in the early morning light.

“What you doing?” He asked through a lazy yawn, discarding the covers and crawling out of bed to join Castiel on the carpet. He seemed surprised Dean was up so early. Castiel was trying to be quiet so he didn't wake him.

“I need to get rid of it all, Dean. She’s been gone a long time. I should move on.” Dean watched Castiel’s blank expression, wondering if he would say the same when all he had left of Dean were memories in a cardboard box.

“You don’t have to get rid of everything, Cas.” Dean said gently, wrapping one arm around Castiel's shoulders. He picked up a piece of folded paper, faded and slightly yellowed by age. It looked like it hadn’t been opened for some time. “What’s this?” He asked, starting to unfold it. Castiel stopped him.

“Please, don’t.” He said quickly. “It’s the last letter she sent me before she died. I can’t look at it right now.” 

Dean put it back on the floor.

“Sorry.” He murmured. Castiel didn’t say anything more, so Dean watched him sort through some of the other items for a few minutes before he stretched and stood up. He kissed the top of Castiel’s head. “I need caffeine. You want one?” It felt wrong somehow to be there while he was doing something so personal, and so sad. Dean needed a distraction and coffee seemed as good a reason as any. Castiel nodded.

“Please.”

“Back in a minute.” Castiel didn’t seem to have even heard him. Dean kept his eyes on him, like he was suddenly afraid to leave him alone. Castiel continued to sift through all the items spread around him. He was almost finished, when his hand rested on a small round container right at the very bottom. Buried under a pile of old photographs and Lily’s diary. His stomach lurched when he realized what it was, swallowing down the desire to open it. It was only half-full, date on the label suggesting it was prescribed the week just before she died. Castiel stared at the bottle in his hand. Only a few seconds passed, but it felt like a lot longer while his thoughts were drawn back to happier memories of their time together as children.

_Life was so much simpler then._

Castiel jumped when he heard Dean coming back up the stairs and hurriedly thrust the bottle back in the box, covering it with all the things he intended to keep. He would just dispose of the rest. Castiel didn't know why he actually bothered to hold on to anything at all. They served no purpose other than to remind him she had left him to face the world without her.

“Cas, grab the door.” Dean shouted from the landing. His voice seemed so far away somehow. Castiel got up to pull it open, taking the cup from Dean when he thrust it towards him. Dean sucked on one finger where some hot coffee surged over the edge. Castiel took his hand without thinking and gently kissed it with a tender press of lips. Dean watched him try to ease the sting, staring at each other for a second until Dean slowly opened his mouth like he wanted to say something serious. “Cas.” He whispered. A light seemed to shine out from behind the green depths of his eyes. Castiel held his breath, hopeful Dean was finally going to tell him how much he loved him, but nothing came out. “Never mind.” Dean sipped deliberately at the edge of his mug, pulling his hand away from Castiel’s mouth and depositing his drink on the bedside table. He walked back over to pick up the cardboard box from the floor. Dean didn’t even look at Castiel while he continued to talk to him over his shoulder. “You done?” He asked, stretching up to the ledge. He didn’t wait for Castiel to answer before he returned the box to its designated space in the top of the wardrobe and shut the door like that would suddenly make Castiel forget it was there.

_____

Castiel spent the entire afternoon searching the internet again. They would only be able to have a commitment ceremony at most. Dean knew it wasn’t really about being legally binding or official. Just something to show how much they cared for each other and nothing more, but it meant a lot to Castiel and that was enough for Dean.

“I think I found something.” Castiel said excitedly, turning the laptop around so Dean could see. He was smiling up at him, blue eyes sparkling in a way Dean hadn’t seen for many days. He returned the smile, which was all Castiel needed. Dean left him to make the phone call and all the arrangements, working on the principle he would just be in the way anyway. Dean mouthed to Castiel he was going outside to ring Sam, and pulled on his jacket. Castiel gave him a small wave, continuing his conversation with someone on the other end of the line. Dean heard a click and a small burst of static when Sam answered.

“Hey, Dean. Everything alright?” Sam asked quickly. Dean thought he sounded tense, not sure if he was more worried about him or Castiel.

“Yeah, we’re good. I’m good, thanks.” Dean answered slowly, chest fluttering a little when he realized what that implied. They were a couple. Sam waited patiently until Dean managed to find the right words.

“Sam, I… I wanted to ask you something. Well - it was Cas, actually.” Dean stammered, trying to find his voice.

“Yeah? What is it?”

“You know I told you what Cas said about staying with him?” Dean reminded him, taking a deep breath and holding the phone away from his mouth like that would somehow soften what he was about to say next. “Well, we kinda decided we wanna do something official, after all.” Dean wasn’t sure what he expected Sam to say but he hadn’t anticipated complete silence. He stared into the phone and willed his brother to say something. After a few seconds he could hear a muffled sigh and a low rumble of noise that sounded like Sam covered the mouthpiece with his hand.

“Sorry, Jess was terrified she was missing something.” Sam replied, allowing himself a small laugh before he got serious. “So, you’re really going to stay with him, then?” Sam asked gently. “That’s good, Dean. I’m happy for you. Really, I am.”

“Yeah. Thanks, man.” 

”Until the end?” Sam whispered. Dean felt his stomach drop.

“Yeah, Sam. Until the end.” There was a brief pause. “So, anyway.” Dean continued. “Cas wanted to know if you would be a witness. Jess too.” He added quickly. “There’s not much we can do other than something small just at the house. You know, laws and stuff.” The whole conversation was awkward as all hell, and Dean could feel himself colour up. Very glad Sam couldn’t see his face.

“Of course. You don’t even have to ask, Dean. I wouldn’t miss it. Hang on a sec.” Sam must have covered the phone again. “Jess wants to speak to you.”

“Dean?” Jess asked. He smiled at the excitement in her voice.

“Hey, Jess. What’s up?” Dean tried to sound like his heart hadn’t just jumped into his mouth. Jess was always so open about the way Dean felt about Castiel. He was anticipating a painful interrogation until she managed to squeeze every last detail from him.

“Is it true?” She said eagerly. “You’re really going to make it official?”

“Looks like.” Dean answered quietly. “It’ll make Cas happy.” He heard her breath catch through the speaker. “Dean, that’s wonderful. I would so love to be a part of that. Tell Cas I'll call him later and help plan it, if he wants.” Dean closed the phone and rested it on his mouth, autumn breeze blustering against his face and vibrating through his hair. He wrapped both arms around his body while he stared across the quiet street to the trees beyond. Golden leaves were falling one by one and drifting silently to the ground. Everything was fading. Dean closed his eyes with a sigh and went back into the house. Castiel was sitting at the kitchen table, scribbling purposefully on a pad of paper. He saw Dean’s shadow pass by the doorway.

“Alright?” He asked, without looking up. Only sound the scratching of his pen. Dean pulled up a chair and sat down next to him, leaning forward to try and see what was written there, but reading upside down was almost impossible. Dean grabbed for the pad and turned it so he could read it properly. “Dean… don’t.” Castiel laughed, tapping Dean on the knuckles and pulling the pad back towards him. Dean let him have the moment.

“What? I’m not allowed to see now?”

“No.” Castiel pushed Dean’s hand away. “Not yet.” Dean swept his knuckles tenderly against Castiel’s cheek before standing up. He stretched lazily, shirt rising up just enough to expose his lower stomach. Castiel’s eyes were fixed on it. The pen dropped from his hand. Dean watched Castiel run his tongue along his bottom lip.

“Sure I can’t drag you away for half an hour?” Dean teased, running his fingers seductively along his skin and resting the tips of them against his zipper. He tugged at it when he met Castiel’s gaze, hoping to tempt him back upstairs. Dean wrapped his hand around the back of Castiel's neck, pulling him in until he could feel the warmth of Dean's breath pass between his lips like a velvet caress. Castiel knew as soon as their mouths met, he would let Dean take him back to bed.

_____

Jess and Castiel spent most of the week planning the modest event. Castiel wrote down what he wanted to say, and Jess listened patiently to him while he went over many drafts and re-writes before he was finally satisfied he hadn’t forgotten anything. Dean had been very secretive, even refusing Sam’s offer of help. Dean said it was just something he needed to think about himself. The service was set for the next day and Castiel was already stressing out. Dean let Jess indulge him for the past few days and Castiel asked them both to stay over the night before. Sam was so happy Dean had found someone who cared about him as much as Castiel did. Willing to stay with him until the end. It made his chest hurt to think about it.

Castiel made them a light supper before bed. He pulled the couch out for Jess. All sprawled out lazily on soft cushions. Sam insisted he would be alright to bed down on the floor, but Castiel felt bad he couldn't offer them something better. He thought about Dean calling him up to share the bed that first night. He smiled at the memory. Dean made his life complete.

_Even if only for a little while._

All four of them were sipping from steaming mugs of cocoa Jess made to help them sleep. Dean insisted he was going to be able to sleep just fine, which he knew was a lie as soon as it left his lips. Consciously ignoring the twist in his stomach every time he thought about the morning. He was only hours away from pledging his lifelong affection to another man. A man he never expected to fall in love with.

_He’ll love you with everything._

_Try not to break his heart._

Dean was going to break his heart anyway and there was nothing he could do about it.

“Hey.” Dean murmured softly, thoughts of past memories drifting away when Castiel rested his head on Dean's shoulder. “Ready for bed?” Dean whispered across the top of his head. Castiel rubbed his cheek against him and yawned, passing his mug to Sam. Dean pulled Castiel up from the sofa and wrapped one arm around his waist to hold him close, bidding goodnight to Sam and Jess with a wave of his hand. Jess watched their shadows dance and merge together on the wall when they climbed the stairs. Her mouth was a perfectly curved smile when she thought about how Dean finally had someone to give his life happiness and meaning. Like he was worth something. Her smile suddenly dissolved into a thin line, treacherous spiral of injustice catching at the edges of her mind. Nothing lasts forever. No matter how beautiful it is, or how badly you want it.

“You alright?” Sam asked sleepily, pulling the blanket across his chest. His eyes were heavy, like he was fighting to stay awake. Jess didn’t reply.

_____

“Dean, get up.” Castiel was shaking him awake, running his hand over Dean’s chest. Castiel was trying to bite down the spark of excitement inside him, unable to control the wide smile etched on his face since the moment he opened his eyes that morning. By the time Dean finally came downstairs, Castiel and Jess had almost finished decorating the living room. Dean was half-dressed, hair sticking up at the front where it rubbed against the pillow in his sleep. One hand was trying to flatten the tousle, the other wedged down the back of his boxers. Jess nudged Castiel in the back with a gently placed elbow. Castiel stumbled forward, climbing the bottom step to kiss Dean's cheek. “Go get ready.” Castiel murmured. “He’ll be here in less than an hour and you’re still in your underwear.”

“Don’t pretend you don’t love it.” Dean whispered back, grabbing Castiel’s ass and tugging him in. Castiel let Dean grind against him. Dean could sense Jess watching them, but he didn’t care anymore. Dean reluctantly pulled away from Castiel, hand slipping up to his waist when he started to move away. Dean couldn’t resist taking one more precious kiss from his lips before he went to get changed. “It looks really nice, Cas.” Dean smiled. “Thanks, Jess.” He added, looking over Castiel’s shoulder to give her a nod of gratitude. She blushed and looked away. Dean knew she saw the tender exchange between them, and he still kissed Castiel anyway. She could feel happy tears coming again.

_____

Dean was pulling up the knot of his tie when he headed back downstairs, just in time to see Castiel opening the front door. Dean smiled at the man standing on the step, surprised by the sudden wash of nausea that made him reach for the wall to steady himself in case he suddenly lost his balance. An unpleasant sensation coated his throat. He tried to swallow it down when disjointed thoughts rushed through his mind. He hadn’t felt particularly nervous when he put on the suit Castiel got for him.

_Maybe it was something else._

Dean recovered enough to join Castiel at the bottom of the stairs. He still felt clammy and cold, beads of perspiration pushing through his pores and settling on his forehead. They stood together under the archway separating the rooms of the lower floor, and waited. Jess had wound a strip of ribbon around the outer edges. It sparkled in the autumn light streaming through the window where the sun rested low in the sky. Castiel decided he would go first. He rehearsed the lines over and over, while Jess indulged him with limitless patience. Now he had to say them to Dean, he couldn’t remember any of it. Jess patted his hand and passed him a piece of paper. Castiel smiled gratefully and unfolded it, preparing to read the vows he wrote just for Dean.

“Dean, I am here today to promise myself to you in body and in heart.

I promise to love and care for you in times of joy and of sorrow.

I will walk by your side every day of your life as your friend, your lover and your partner in life.

I promise to respect and cherish you. I give my life to you.

I promise to love you wholly and completely without sin or shame, as none can exist in the purity of the love I have for you.

I take you, Dean Winchester, to my hand, to my heart and to my spirit. In this life and the life beyond where we will meet, remember and love again.”

Castiel stopped reading and looked up at Dean. He was blinking rapidly, eyes sparkling with unshed tears. They seemed to be watching the movement of Castiel’s lips while he gave voice to all his emotion. The room was completely silent. Castiel turned to Jess when he heard her gasp a soft breath. Her cheeks were wet. Sam’s lips were pressed together when he wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her close. She dabbed at the corner of one eye and leaned into Sam’s embrace. Dean took in a deep breath, reaching down to weave his fingers through Castiel’s. 

“I didn’t write anything down.” Dean was nervously shuffling his feet while he stared at the floor. His grip on Castiel’s hand tightened. “I didn’t write anything down 'cause I wanted everything I have to say to come straight from my heart.” Castiel smiled at him, even though Dean still had his gaze fixed on the ground. “I don’t really know what to say, and there’s no way I can follow that.” He laughed, finally looking up at Castiel. “So I’m just gonna say what I feel, if that’s alright?” Castiel nodded. “I want to start off by saying thank you to my brother, Sam and his wonderful girlfriend Jessica, who has encouraged Castiel shamefully and made me stand here in a suit and spill my heart out, so thanks for that. Anyway, I'm here today to pledge myself to you, Cas.” Dean said quietly, watching the smile on Castiel’s mouth shine out more brightly. “I’m not real good at saying how I feel. Honestly, I never expected to be doing this, so I hope the fact I'm here is enough to make you realize you must be someone very special to me.” Castiel squeezed Dean’s fingers. His eyes were shining like blue stars while he listened intently to every single word Dean expressed with so much genuine sentiment. It made him want to kiss him right there in front of everyone. “You cared for me, and you made my life complete, Cas. Today I'm making good on a promise I made to you. I'll try and make you happy, and look after you best I can for as long as I have left.” Castiel felt his heart beat faster at the choice of words. He didn’t think it was deliberate, but Dean hadn’t mentioned love at all. There must have been something very dark buried deep inside him to make him unable to say those three little words Castiel longed to hear more than anything. He was so open about his feelings. Dean turned to face Castiel, reaching for his hands again and turning him so they could look at each other. “Cas.” Dean said gently, lifting their hands up where they were still joined together. He rested them on Castiel’s shoulders. “I want to be with you. First, last and forever. Remember?”

“Yes, Dean. I remember.” Castiel replied quietly, pushing himself up on his toes to press his soft mouth against Dean’s. The kiss was just a chaste brush of lips, but as they moved closer Dean dipped his head and whispered into Castiel's hair. 

“Tonight, I’m gonna show you just how much you mean to me.” 

Castiel moaned in response before pulling away so Jess could hand him a glass swimming with bubbles.

“Congratulations.” She pushed it into his hand. “That was beautiful, Cas.”

“Thanks, I had help.” He laughed. 

“I know.” Jess grinned, disappearing into the kitchen to fetch another drink. Dean came up behind Castiel and looped both arms around his stomach, leaning forward to rest his chin in the dip of Castiel’s shoulder. The champagne seemed to go straight to his head. He felt really dizzy, acid rising up through his stomach after one little sip.

“You okay?” Castiel whispered against the side of his face. He felt Dean nod into his shoulder. Castiel was about to ask him if he was sure, when the weight of Dean’s body suddenly fell away from him. Castiel turned in dismay to see Dean crash against the side of the table, sending glasses up into the air before collapsing to the floor. His face was deathly white, and Castiel could see him struggling to take a breath when he dropped down onto his back with a thud while glass shattered around him. Castiel almost stumbled to the ground in his haste to get to Dean. Fear gripped mercilessly at his throat when he pushed past Sam to reach him. Everything felt so different. Empty. There was a sinister calm in the air. Castiel all but threw himself down, falling to his knees and grabbing frantically for Dean’s listless hands. He pulled them up to his lips to brush his mouth across cold fingers. “Dean… what happened? Are you alright?” Castiel gasped in alarm, tracing many soft kisses across his hands while he held them close with devotion.

“Cas?” Dean breathed. “I’m so sorry.”

“What?” Castiel felt something tear out of his throat and distort his voice. It sounded like a dry and distant echo, cutting through the terrible silence that seemed to close him in.

“I’m sorry.” Dean murmured again. “I should have said it a long time ago.” Castiel stroked a trembling finger across the skin of one cheek. His handsome face was contorted with pain and a desperate need for air.

“Dean.” Castiel hushed him. His eyes filled with swollen tears, threatening to fall from their corners.

“I love you, Castiel. I love you with everything.” Dean’s eyes fluttered shut for the last time. Castiel dropped his hands to Dean’s shoulders, gently trying to shake him awake. Willing him to open those beautiful green eyes, but there was nothing there. Castiel spilled out his name in a whisper, heart beating so fast he could hardly breathe.

“Dean.” Tears fell effortlessly from soft blue eyes. Castiel rested his head on Dean's chest and squeezed his eyes shut while he listened for a heartbeat. “Shit. Shit, he’s not breathing. Sam?” Castiel cried in desperation, wide eyes flickering with panic.

“Cas - ” Sam tried, pulling gently at one shoulder to try and ease him away from Dean’s body. He wouldn’t move. Castiel was lying across him, arms one on either side of his head. He pushed himself up and cupped Dean’s face with his palms. Crumpling in pain when he stared at the blue lips, parted like he was waiting to take another breath that would never come.

“Dean.” Castiel begged. Still shaking him while he tried to rip himself away from Sam’s hold. Castiel stared down at Dean’s face, watching his expression soften as the pain faded away completely. “I love you. Come back, Dean… please.” Castiel murmured through blinding tears, words soon dissolving into cries of despair when he covered Dean’s body with his own and sobbed uncontrollably. He could hear Jess crying behind him, feeling Sam’s hand tremble when he tried once again to pull him back. All of it just fell away while he held on tighter. Castiel sensed the last light of Dean’s warmth fade away into nothingness. Castiel pressed his cheek against Dean's lifeless chest, desperate to feel the pounding of his heart.

Silence.

_____

 

Soundtrack Chapter 11: [ **A Drop in the Ocean**  (Ron Pope)](http://www.loudtronix.co/listenYT.php?name=Ron+Pope-+A+Drop+In+The+Ocean-+lyrics&show=true&url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7hZpo1ZJDxM)


	12. Anthem Of The Angels

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel prepares to say goodbye to Dean forever at the memorial service Sam arranges in honour of his brother. Castiel's pain is too deep to move on without the love he lost. A haunting echo of something once forgotten pushes him to make a fateful decision.
> 
> Death is not goodbye.

Chapter 12     **Anthem Of The Angels**        

The minutes that followed relentless silence seemed to pass like an eternity. Castiel still refused to let go of Dean’s body, no matter how many times Sam tried to pull him away.

“Cas.” Sam whispered, one last time. Carefully bending down next to him, and hesitantly placing one hand on his shoulder. This time it was meant as some small measure of comfort more than anything else. Sam almost gave up trying to get Castiel to release him. His head was still resting on Dean’s chest, sobs gradually subsiding when he had nothing more to give. His whole world cruelly ripped away from him. Jess was standing behind him, shoulders shaking with the effort of trying not to give herself over to grief. Castiel needed her now more than ever and she was trying so hard to be strong. Her own words soon coming back to haunt her. What she said to Castiel about his beloved sister had a very different meaning when it was someone she loved who was taken before their time.

_Death is not goodbye._

“Call 911, Jess.” Sam said quietly, letting go of Castiel’s shoulder. He knew in his heart Dean was gone, but felt like he had to do something. His body would have to be taken away. Sam didn’t think Castiel would ever be able to let go of it if he stayed there much longer. Still hoping to hear the gentle thrum of a heartbeat while he lay on top of Dean and breathed him in, just one more time. “Jess.” Sam prompted again. His voice was more urgent now, bringing her senses crashing back to reality. Watching helplessly while Castiel begged Dean to come back to him.

Dean wasn't coming back.

_____

Castiel was lost. No longer having any desire to eat or to sleep, or to do anything at all. Ever again. Sam and Jess decided they would stay the night after Dean was taken away, but neither of them slept for more than an hour at a time. They didn’t really want to leave Castiel alone in the house they once shared. So silent and withdrawn, it didn't matter what Jess said to try and lift his dark mood. Nothing would shake the sorrow from him.

Sam hurried upstairs to fetch a blanket when he realized Castiel was shaking. Their bed empty and cold. Sam wrapped it around his shoulders and left him curled up on the couch. Castiel didn’t even look up. Sam gestured for Jess to come into the kitchen, working on the pretense of putting on a fresh pot of coffee. He didn't bother to hide his concern. Castiel wasn’t even really there. His eyes were glazed over, staring without blinking into some unfathomable distance. Both rimmed with a thin red line. Testament to a miserable and lonely sleepless night. Jess propped herself up against the counter. She looked very tired, the pain of losing Dean still heavy on her. Sam knew she wanted to break, but he was more worried about Castiel and what to do about burying Dean. Castiel wouldn’t be able to even think about that yet, and Sam felt a sense of duty as his brother to make sure it was done with the reverence he deserved.

“Jess, we need to make arrangements.” Sam said quietly, fighting to keep his voice steady when all he wanted to do was open up his mouth and scream. To take Dean, just when he found the true happiness he was chasing all his life was so unfair. Fate could be so cruel.

“Sam, I can’t - not yet.” Jess answered, head bowed low. “It’s just too soon. I don’t think Cas could handle anything so final right now. He needs to accept Dean's really gone before we even think about anything else.”

Sam sighed, heart-breakingly torn between believing Dean was truly lost, and wanting to honour him with the dignity he had earned. Dean always watched out for him, took care of him like no one else ever could. For the first time in his life, Sam had no idea what to do and it stung like a bitch. Jess reached up to wrap her arms lovingly around Sam's neck. They held each other for a long time, both finally allowing the tears to come. Jess pulled free when she heard Castiel get up off the couch. She went over to him, quickly wiping the traces of pain from both cheeks.

“Hey, Cas.” Jess said gently, curving her arm around Castiel in a gesture of comfort and understanding. He didn't respond. Still staring blankly at the space over her shoulder with a desperate sadness in his eyes. “Cas?” Jess tried again. Castiel wound his arms around his waist and pulled them into his body like he could fall apart any second. Jess already noticed how fragile he had become since the summer, but now it was more obvious than ever. His face was pale and drawn, dark lines under both eyes. She forced a tender smile but Castiel just turned away and gripped the blanket to his chest. Fingers twisted in it so tightly, his knuckles were white.

“I need to lie down.” Castiel whispered, no expression in his quiet voice. Jess watched him stumble through the hallway, pausing at the bottom of the stairs like he was suddenly afraid to go up alone. The golden ribbon was still wound around the balustrades. A painful reminder of the joy he felt only the day before. He pulled his hand away like it burned him and closed his eyes. He suddenly turned back to Jess.

“Thank you, for everything.” Castiel murmured sadly. “Please stay as long as you want. I’m sorry, I just can’t talk to anyone right now.”

“Cas, it’s fine. You don’t need to apologize for anything. You know we'll both be here if you need someone.” Jess added kindly. Castiel just nodded and headed up to his bedroom with a heart full of hopelessness.

Castiel closed the door behind him and leaned up against it. The bed looked so soft and inviting to his weary body but all he could think about was Dean, and how he would never lie with him again. He imagined his sleepy face scrunched up against the pillow, soft hair in disarray while he watched Castiel open his eyes and pull him in for a morning kiss. A morning that only yesterday seemed so full of happiness and hope for their future together. He was already vulnerable, and the invasion of that bitter emotion cascaded over him and sent him sliding down the door until he was forced to his knees. A cry of pain tearing from his throat like the mournful howl of some distant animal. It didn’t even sound like his voice anymore. Castiel couldn’t remember how long he sat there, desperate and alone on the floor of the room he once shared with Dean. The sacred place where he had given himself completely to the only man he would ever love. It was unbearable.

_____

Sam and Jess planned to leave the following afternoon. They couldn't do much more, and Jess was finding it very difficult to maintain the mask of strength she wore for Castiel. A storm of emotions constantly twisting inside her. She kept quiet, knowing how worried Sam was about Castiel. Determined to take charge of arranging everything to spare him the torment of having to do it himself. Jess wearily packed up a few belongings they brought for the ceremony, encouraging Sam to help her take down the decorations and remove the ribbon before Castiel woke up. They decided to wait for him to come down before saying goodbye. Jess wanted to make sure he would be alright to be left alone for a few days. Sam’s stomach dropped when he realized the next time they would all be together might be at Dean’s funeral. He felt cold.

Morning light filtered in, catching Castiel’s cheekbones when his eyes began to flicker open. He must have fallen asleep after all, grief and weariness finally overwhelming him. He was still propped up against the door. Castiel stretched out stiff arms, a twinge of pain shooting down his back from being in the same position for most of the night. Just for one blissful moment, everything was still buried deep in his subconscious and he looked around for Dean. Despair soon washed over him again, dropping his head into his hands when unhappy memories returned. Castiel rubbed the sensation back into exhausted limbs, desperate to release some of the tension pulling at every muscle. He sighed when his eyes scanned the room in dim light. Dean was everywhere and nowhere at the same time. It all seemed so surreal somehow. His watch on the bedside cabinet, the sheets pushed back where he crawled out of bed. Discarded t-shirt dropped on the floor in his haste to put on the suit Castiel bought specially for him only a few days before. Castiel moved slowly to the bed, dragging trembling fingers along the covers until he reached Dean’s side. He bent down to pick up the shirt, lifting it to his face. He could feel the tears welling up again. It still smelled of Dean, and Castiel breathed in every memory. Every small piece that was left until he was gasping in bursts of air. He pulled it against his chest, gently lowering himself down until he was sitting in the cold empty space where Dean once rested his head. Castiel could hear the muted sounds of Jess and Sam talking downstairs. The chink of pots being washed up, chairs being scraped across the floor of his kitchen and set back in place around the little table. Everything sounded like it was underwater again. His head felt fuzzy, mind distracted by trying to remember every perfect contour of Dean’s face. His smile, the way his mouth twitched up at one corner just before he laughed. Castiel thought back to the first time he ever saw him. How Dean called out to him from the edge of death. He had fallen in love before Dean even opened those beautiful green eyes Castiel had lost himself in so completely.

Hope suddenly surged up through his chest for the first time since Dean’s lifeless body was taken away. Maybe Dean would be able to hear him again. Maybe he would be able to answer him like before. Castiel whispered his name quietly and waited. Praying to hear the soft rumble of his voice again. That hope soon fell away. In the hospital Dean's heart was still beating. Castiel willed Dean to answer from some dark corner of existence, remembering the words Jess said to him. He really believed he might see Dean again one day. Hope was the only thing he had left, but that was fading with every second of silence that followed. The desolate quiet was suddenly shattered by a gentle tapping on the door. He didn’t open it.

“I’m okay.” Castiel called out. He just wanted to be left alone, not sure what else he was supposed to say. Nervously biting his lip while he waited for an answer.

“Cas, I’m sorry. We need to leave soon and Jess just asked me to see if you were alright.” Sam sounded terrible. A faint hint of emotion in his voice betraying how hard he was trying to deal with the tragic events. Castiel knew the pretense was only for him. He felt grateful and pitied at the same time.

“I'll be fine... really.” He lied almost effortlessly. For all their help and care, Castiel just wanted to be alone with his memories and the lingering scent of Dean in his bed. Castiel wanted them to leave, but he didn’t want to hurt them either. They had both been very kind to him and he would never forget it. “I’ll be down in a minute, Sam.” Castiel forced out, through the pain in his throat. Wiping his eyes and running shaky hands through messy hair when he heard Sam head back downstairs. Castiel took one last look around the quiet room that once served as their sanctuary. Slowly opening the door and reluctantly preparing himself for a conversation he would never be ready to have.

“Sam.” Jess muttered in frustration, just as Castiel reached the bottom step and finished tucking in his shirt. His jeans seemed to hang on his hips now. He could feel the tips of his fingers brush against his spine. “You're going to have to. He’s not - " She stopped when she saw Castiel, sharing a meaningful look with Sam before holding out her arms like she wanted to hug him until his heart stopped aching. Castiel let her hold him for a minute.

Sam poured out a cup of coffee and encouraged Castiel to sit with them. Pressing the mug into his hands where they were just resting limply on the table. The steam rose up in thin spirals and blurred his vision, but he didn’t even blink. Sam tried to start a conversation about what they were going to do next. Castiel just sat and listened while words washed over him, completely oblivious to anything else going on around him. He gripped his cup while Sam talked.

“Cas?” Sam tried again. He asked him the same question twice already but Castiel never replied. Dull eyes fixed on the opposite wall.

“Sorry. I’m sorry, Sam. What did you say?” His voice was so quiet, Jess had to lean towards him to make sure she didn’t miss anything. Wondering if something more was going on inside his head than the damage done by Dean’s death. Jess knew he somehow managed to live with the loss of his sister, but it never left him. The void Dean would carve into his life would be impossible to fill. She felt passionately sorry for him.

“I was asking you if that was alright, Castiel.” Sam said softly.

“What?”

“I can make the arrangements for him, okay?” Sam looked into his eyes to make sure he understood. Castiel just stared back. “Dean wasn’t particularly religious, so I’m not really sure he'd want anything too formal. I know he didn't leave a will. Guess he thought he'd live forever, huh?” The room fell silent again. Jess wrapped her fingers around Castiel’s where they were threaded through the handle of his mug.

“Okay.” Castiel said eventually, like it took his disordered mind a few seconds to catch up with everything going on around him. He suddenly looked up. “The lake, Sam.” Castiel whispered. “That’s where we should do it. Dean would like that.” Sam hesitated, looking to Jess for approval. The shine in her eyes was enough. It would be cruel to refuse him.

“Sure, Cas.”

_____

It was a week before they could bury Dean. The coroner’s report was tragically predictable but it didn’t serve to lessen the pain. His heart had failed him. Castiel took the news with the same strange calmness he wore since Sam and Jess left. He didn’t go out the house at all, food and sleep now distant memories of a life he could no longer remember. Sam called every day.

Castiel waited patiently to hear Dean in his head again, calling out to him until his own voice was parched and devoid of emotion. Dean didn't come.

_____

On the day of the funeral, autumn was finally starting to wane. A chill whisper in the air. Many golden leaves already fallen in disordered heaps at the base of every tree. Castiel watched the world pass by his window while he dressed for Dean’s memorial service. He finally pulled himself away, staring at himself in the mirror while he wrapped Dean's favourite tie around his neck with the same sense of detachment. Castiel couldn’t bear to be completely clothed in black. Blue eyes reflected back at him, their light now gone. Castiel sighed, flattening down his collar with trembling hands. He walked slowly downstairs and pulled open the front door. A sharp blast of fresh air assaulted his face, now darkened by a line of rough stubble that edged his jaw. He scanned the hazy skies above with blurry eyes. Clouds seemed to rush across the backdrop of the fall horizon. It made him think of harvest time back home, running with his beautiful Lily through the tall bright corn just before it was cut down. He smiled faintly at the memory and pulled his jacket around his body to fight off the harsh breeze while he walked down the path and got into the black car already waiting.

Sam made good on his promise they would honour Dean’s memory at the lake after the service was finished. He found a small church settled just outside the borders of the reserve near Hunter’s Point. Almost completely obscured by a line of silver-barked trees that bordered the road. When the car pulled up, Castiel could see a square roof reaching up to form a low spire. Wood once painted with a coat of whitewash now faded with time. Castiel imagined it could have looked quite different in the summer sunlight. He didn’t think he was ready to go inside, feet suddenly failing him when he stared blankly at the door. Sam pushed it open when he realized Castiel had arrived, forcing a soft smile.

Castiel gasped in a painful breath as soon as he got inside. There was a black and white portrait of Dean he never saw before, surrounded by a circle of large white lilies. Below the picture was an inscription with his name and the dates signifying the span of his short existence. The image alone would have broken Castiel. Dean looked so young and full of life, but something about it didn’t seem to do him justice somehow.

“But his eyes are green.” Castiel murmured quietly. There was a sparkling drop at each corner of his own like they might fall at any minute. Sam stared at him.

“Sorry?”

“You can’t see it. You can’t see the green.” Castiel whispered, staring at the picture of Dean. Drifting off to his own private place again. The isolated space where his mind retreated when reality became too painful for him. Sam had seen it many times, but never like this.

“Yeah. I know, Cas.” Sam answered. “So, you remember him with green eyes.” They walked to the front of the church together where Jess was waiting. Castiel settled himself by her side. She reached for his hand and wrapped her fingers around it. She squeezed. Just once.

 

 

 

 

Dean Winchester

**24 th January 1979 – 12th September 2013**

 

Castiel already decided he couldn’t speak at the service. The last time he delivered a speech for Dean was the fateful day they exchanged vows. Castiel didn’t think he would be able to put as much passion into something to mark his passing. There was nothing he could say that would ever be enough to describe how much he loved him. Sam spoke for both of them.

Castiel didn't know anyone else at the service, and he didn’t care. He held back the tears as long as he could but they flowed freely down his cheeks when they got up to leave. The only song Sam requested rose mournfully into the air. Clear notes echoing from the walls.

 _Lay down_  
_Your sweet and weary head_  
_Night is falling_  
_You have come to journey's end_

 _Why do you weep?_  
_What are these tears upon your face?_  
_Soon you will see_  
_All of your fears will pass away_

 _Don't say we have come now to the end_

_White shores are calling_  
_You and I will meet again_

 _And you'll be here in my arms_  
_Just sleeping_

Castiel pushed open the doors, fresh air falling on his face. He breathed it in and let it fill his lungs. He never felt so lost. Most of the afternoon was spent watching people pass him by. They all looked at him with sympathy and pity in their eyes. He wondered if anyone even knew who he was, or why he looked so desperately sad. He presumed they must by the way most of them avoided him completely. Sam and Jess were saying goodbye to the last of the guests when long shadows of early evening crept over the surface of the water like silent sentinels coming to take Dean’s spirit home. Castiel watched them approach while he stumbled towards the edge of the lake, pushing his hand into his pocket to pull out the small paper lotus he made with such care the night before. He made it for Dean to help guide him, wherever he may be going.

The water was unnaturally still, mocking the wild storm of pain Castiel felt arc inside him like a dagger. Fighting the instinct to curl into himself with grief. The paper shape rested in his hand while he stared out across the water, face expressionless. Sam could see faint lines of spent tears streaking his cheeks. Castiel bent down to slide the delicate sculpture out of his hand. Releasing it onto the surface of the lake that shone in the dim light like silver glass. Castiel put a candle in the centre just before he reached the edge, watching the little light float away from the shore with lifeless blue eyes.

_I love you. I love you with everything._

An echo of the last words Dean ever said to him. Resonating in his head while thoughts followed his eyes across the water, soon lost to the distant horizon. Castiel sank to his knees on the muddy bank. A place he once loved so much. Pulling at an image of that perfect day when he slipped down after Dean, trying to reach him. Dean had made it to the edge of the water first and held Castiel close when he lifted him high in the air.

“First, last and forever, Dean.” Castiel sighed into the breeze. Sam watched him sadly for a while, with no idea how to help. He was fading away before his eyes. Castiel would never be able to deal with Dean’s death. Sam couldn't imagine the depths of his hopelessness. He eventually followed him down the bank, resting one hand on his shoulder to try and comfort him.

“Dean knew how much you loved him.” Sam offered kindly. The thought of remembering anything so meaningful once passing between them hurt so badly.

“Sam… don’t.” Castiel whispered, a gentle warning behind that one simple word. Sam left him beside the shimmering water until dusk fell.

_____

Castiel made no attempt to even get out of bed the next day. Most of his dark hours spent stretched out between the sheets that now seemed so empty and lonely without his beloved Dean. He couldn't think about having to spend the rest of his life without him. The reality of that loss more terrible than he ever imagined when he read through his file at the hospital. If he knew how much it would hurt, Castiel would never have let himself fall in love with Dean. He always avoided getting close to anyone to save himself the pain of losing them. He thought of Lily again. Her voice haunted him, even in death. He gave up on waiting for Dean’s spirit to return. Castiel knew in his heart he was gone forever. The moon was high in the sky while he lay in the darkness, staring out into the night. His mind kept flitting between Dean and Lily, and he wasn’t sure why. Castiel sighed, lifting his weary body from the bed and rubbing his hand across his eyes. He felt inexplicably drawn to the box Dean deposited in the top of his closet a few days before. He hadn’t intended to open it again quite so soon but he really wanted to read Lily's last letter again. He was ready now.

Castiel reached up as far as he could until only the tips of his toes were pushing into the carpet. He struggled to drag the box over the edge. He was so weak now, so little energy left in him to fight. His arms gave way under the weight and it fell to the floor, watching helplessly as some of the contents spilled out. Castiel picked up the folded piece of paper in his shaking hand, forcing his failing spirit to open it. Pressing his lips together when he noticed the pill bottle land at his feet. Castiel examined the label once more before propping himself up against the bed.

His eyes scanned the words Lily wrote while she lay dying. How had he forgotten how desperate she had become? She begged him to pull her from the depths of her depression, but he couldn’t help her. He couldn’t help her any more than he could lift himself from his own darkness. Devouring his heart the second Dean took his last breath.

_Why do you always love with everything, Castiel?_

Lily asked him that question many times, and he still had no answer. Maybe it was just something inside him. Too much heart. He had loved Lily, and he had loved Dean, and both were taken away from him. Castiel spent years wondering how his sister had been so tired of life, she couldn't wait to leave it. When he reached the end where she signed her name with a single kiss, Castiel folded the paper over and closed his eyes.

“It’s going to be okay now, Lily.” He breathed, sad smile pulling at the corners of his mouth. Just wanting to be free of the pain. Wanting to be free of everything. “I finally understand what you were trying to tell me. You don’t have to be alone anymore.” Castiel flicked open the little white cap and tipped the entire contents into his hand. “I’m coming.”

_____

Sam tried to reach Castiel for two days after their farewells at the lake. They were both so worried about him, and Jess wanted to be sure he knew they were there for him. Sam’s phone calls went unanswered, text messages unread. As soon as Sam pulled up at the house, he knew something was terribly wrong. The whole place was in complete darkness, several letters sticking out the mailbox. He still had the spare key Castiel gave him the week before, so Sam hesitantly crept inside. Calling Castiel’s name while he searched for some sign of life. The house was ominously quiet, early morning shadows drifting through the hallway and making everything look mysterious and dark. He started to climb the stairs, creak of every step as he moved echoing in the quiet space. Making Sam’s heart beat fast when he entered the bedroom. His face crumpled with sadness when he saw Castiel’s lifeless body slumped at the end of the bed. The orange bottle was clutched tightly in one hand, fading letter from his sister resting in his lap. Stiff fingers still wrapped around a pen. Sam quickly checked for a pulse, but he was cold.

“Oh, Cas.” Sam murmured, realization pulling at his heart. He tenderly touched the side of one hollow cheek. The paper was upside down, but Sam could still read his own name written clearly across the top. He turned it so he could read the words properly.

 _Sam and Jess_  
_Thank you for your kindness_  
_I hope one day you will understand_

 _I don’t want to live my life without Dean_  
_Even in death my only wish is to be with him_

 _Please forgive me_  
_Always and forever, your friend_

_Castiel_

_____

Castiel was buried with Dean three days later. Sam insisted they were laid to rest in the same grave. It was Castiel’s last wish, and Sam wanted to honour that as best he could. The sun shone down on him that day, warming his heart with the hope they might be together again. There were many faces Sam recognized from the hospital. Some introduced as distant family members Castiel never mentioned. His brothers didn't come. His mother sent flowers.

The clouds eventually surged overhead, chasing away what little sunlight still filtered through hazy gaps. Jess laid two single red roses on the fresh soil before she couldn't bear it anymore, and begged Sam to take her home. Jess couldn’t even say goodbye through the blur of tears that took her vision and stopped her voice from forming even such a simple word. Rain started to fall.

_____

Distant and muted noises drifted in and out of focus when Castiel felt everything stream back into a single point of consciousness. It was still dark, but he no longer felt afraid. A strange and unexpected calm surrounding him when his memories started to return. Pain and sorrow all washed away. Bright images pulsed at the edge of his thoughts. He remembered the pills. He remembered the feeling of absolute hopelessness, and then he remembered Dean.

A small dot of shimmering light appeared on some imaginary and indistinct horizon that seemed so close, and yet so far away. The light suddenly spread out in every direction. Castiel could see the developing silhouettes of three figures approaching from the centre. As they got a little closer, he recognized the smallest one at once. Black hair still shining with an inner spark that lit up her delicate features and framed her round blue eyes. Lily.

Behind his sister, Castiel saw a woman with golden hair that fell over her shoulders in soft gentle waves. She smiled affectionately at him, standing back so the last one could step past her. Castiel moved forward, mouth curving up into a smile when he reached out and let Dean take his hand.

“Hey, Bluebird. I missed you.”

_____

Soundtrack Chapter 12: [**My Immortal** (Evanescence)](http://www.loudtronix.co/listenYT.php?name=Evanescence-+My+Immortal+Lyrics&show=true&url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JB5PxVUn1-8)


End file.
